Relationship check in

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so the relationship check-in is a very
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quick easy way to to dial in to your
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partner to get a sense of what's going
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on in the relationship and to find out
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really quickly what is working in the
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relationship which is one of the things
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that we're always interested in and it
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basically goes like this so luke's going
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to say to manu i'd like to have a
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relationship check and is now a good
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time i'd like to have a relationship
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check in and is now a good time
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yes
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and uh and so he's going to ask her a
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series of questions and the first one is
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so what's your number so what's your
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number and manu is i'm not going to give
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her a uh give him her phone number she's
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going to give a number from 0 to 10
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where zero was basically a relationship
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score where 10 is like
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totally amazing is the best it could
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ever be and zero was um i wouldn't
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splash you if you're on fire
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we're hoping the number high number is
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higher than zero
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8.8
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and points are totally acceptable
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so now manu can explain that a little
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bit further but she doesn't have to and
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um
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she might if it was a little bit unusual
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but otherwise
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she just says the number and that that's
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just how it is
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and so luke's next question is so what
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are we doing well
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so what are we doing well
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so what we are doing well
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is our way to communicate to each other
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manu's just going to give the number she
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doesn't have to explain why she chose
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that particular number she might if it
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was a little bit unusual
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but otherwise we just basically go with
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the number and then the um the next
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question she's going to ask is
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luke's going to ask you so what are we
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doing well
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so what are we doing well
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so
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what we are doing well is our way to
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communicate like we did this morning
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and about living on time
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okay so um so man is now given a really
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specific example of um of an ex of a
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time um you know preferably recently
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where something's happened that that is
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a good um that is a good example so luke
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is now going to follow up with the next
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question which is um so what are you
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doing well
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so what are you doing well
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so what am i doing well is
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the way that in
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the relaxed way
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that i just leave a house in time
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without rushing myself okay
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and um and so this might be something
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that luke's aware uh aware of or it
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could actually be something that um that
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luke might not be aware of so for
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instance you know manu might have
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something that uh that she did so you
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know she might have decided i decided i
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would just go with the first top that i
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put on rather than choosing between
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three other tops
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and
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and so she might you know signal that to
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luke
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that she's actually done done that to
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him
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you know as kind of as a gift to the
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relationship
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so the next question is going to ask is
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so what am i doing well
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what am i doing well
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so what are you doing well
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is that
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you
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really talk
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in way calmly and ask me to leave on
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time
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and we left the house when we were
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supposed to
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okay so um so we've got a pretty good
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idea of of some things that are working
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well that that money is feeling good
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about and now we get into the last
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question which is so what's our growth
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opportunity so what is our growth
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opportunity and the growth opportunity
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is a specific tangible thing that can be
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done in the next 24 to 48 hours that
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would kind of help boost that number
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from the 8.8 closer to the 10.
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so what we can do
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has a growth opportunity is to
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continue to speak each other in the way
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that we do and communicate
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really
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clearly
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okay so manu has basically given
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something that doesn't qualify as a
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growth opportunity because what she's
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done is she's given kind of like an
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aspirational goal we're going to keep
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trying to talk nice to each nicely to
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each other which is really nice but it's
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not specific enough and it's not
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measurable and so we're not going to
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know in the next day or two if we've
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actually done that so what we're really
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looking for here is um
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the something that it could be more more
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tangible so it might be so a growth
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opportunity might be that we um we go
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out for dinner tonight but that's
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because we've had a long day filming or
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um it might be something like that but
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it's very tangible um
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uh something that can be done so that it
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will be seen if that is actually done
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so our great opportunity could be to
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celebrate
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our way to talk to each other and go out
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for dinner tonight
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okay
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and um soon luke's going to finish but
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thank you for sharing thank you for
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sharing my name thank you for listening
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and then manu is going to turn around
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and say um i'd like uh so what's your
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number
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your number so what's your number
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eight point nine
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then uh man is basically going to say um
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so what are we doing well so what do you
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think we're doing well so what are we
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doing well
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we're
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communicating to each other in a really
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calm gentle polite way
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so what are you doing well what am i
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doing well i am paying attention to
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those little impulses to be impatient or
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get aggravated and i'm not responding to
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them
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so what am i doing well
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you
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are also not reacting to and you
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probably notice that i'm a little
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impatient and you're also calmly
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responding to me
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and so in that one i'd probably want
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luke to be a bit more specific so and so
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maybe you know uh pick a time that he's
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noticed manu respond more
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more gently or more patiently with them
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you responded more gently with me when
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we were leaving the party last night and
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jack was running out the door and i was
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chasing after him but you calmed me down
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and you got the situation
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straightened without any anger
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what is our growth opportunity
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our growth opportunity is to celebrate
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by going out dancing let's go tomorrow
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night
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okay and so that's within the 24 to 48
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hours and so as a result of this
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conversation we now have a seri uh two
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practical things that we could do
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sometimes what might happen is one
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person might put a growth opportunity up
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and then the next person is like yeah
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that's an amazing idea and back it up
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now sometimes when you do a growth
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opportunity those are normally the most
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challenging things for people to do and
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the normal challenges that people have
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is that they're not specific enough so
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they don't actually uh clearly um for
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what it is that they want um the second
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thing that people can do sometimes is
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they ask for something that that's kind
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of huge so you have the couple that
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hasn't had sex for five years and the
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growth opportunity is wow let's have sex
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tonight that that's probably a bit too
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much of a hurdle to jump into so it
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might be you know let's go for a walk
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and hold hands would be a more
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appropriate progression for that
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the um the other thing that it can also
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happen is uh that the couple sometimes
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might derail in terms of trying to fix
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it so um you know someone says hey we go
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out for dinner tonight and then the
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other person jumps and hangs it we've
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got the pta meeting or or whatever don't
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worry about it just take the growth
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opportunity and you can negotiate later
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if it needs to happen
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and the most important thing is that
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growth opportunities are growth
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opportunities they're not demands and
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they're not contracts so if you put
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something out as a growth opportunity
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it's something that you can do together
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not something that you have to do
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together
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you're basically just telling your
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partner an opportunity that you have to
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win and i just forgot there's one more
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thing when you do a growth opportunity a
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growth opportunity is either for both of
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you
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or the person speaking it's not an
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opportunity to give your partner a job
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so i can't have a growth opportunity for
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my partner that said well the growth
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opportunity is you know you could clean
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the kitchen up tonight that's not to
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qualify growth opportunity might be for
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me to clean the kitchen or that you know
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that we clean the kitchen together
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that that would be an example that would
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work
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so the great thing about doing the
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relationship check in on a regular basis
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is that very few relationships go from
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really good to really bad overnight
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um and so if you're doing this on a sim
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semi-regular basis you know once or
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twice a week
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once you've got the dialogue down it
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provides a very accessible way to to be
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able to dial into what's happening in
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your partner's world
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and
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and to track how it's going in the
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relationship so things are starting to
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trim down hill when you're doing that
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it's a signal that you're going to need
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to start doing something that your
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relationship bank account is getting a
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little bit low
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and
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this dialogue was also specifically
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designed
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for couples where the relationship is
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not going very well
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because the first question of uh you
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know so what's the number if the number
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is two that's not going to feel really
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fantastic but on the other hand it's a
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lot better than your partner telling you
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all the reasons why it is a two
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so it's just a signal to you that said
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things are not really great
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the um the next question of so what are
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we doing well if your score is a two
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it's going to be a little bit hard to
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answer
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and but it's an opportunity
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for the person who's speaking to take
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responsibility for the fact that both of
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you are still doing something because
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the numbers are two not a zero so maybe
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you're just feeding the dog maybe you're
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just paying the mortgage maybe you're
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still feeding the kids those are not
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particularly great as relationship
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skills but again they're better than a
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zero no one's stabbing the other person
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so that's a good place to be better than
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the zero
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the next question of what are you doing
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well is really good because if the
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scores are two most of the time we're
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not doing anything we're just
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complaining in our head about our
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partner and so there's an opportunity
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for us to take a note of the fact that
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uh of what we're doing and to take
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responsibility for that
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and then um
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generally by the time you've done done
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that you've had to acknowledge a few
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positives along the way and it's
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normally easier for us to see at least
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some things that our partners are doing
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that are that are helping in some way
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and and then the growth opportunity is
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super important here because it gives
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you a way to signal uh a way to be
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successful in the relationship because
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often when couples are sitting at
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roughly a two it just becomes really
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hard to to do when you think because you
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never know if you're going to be shot
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down where at least with the growth
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growth opportunity there's
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a way that you can say okay well you
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know growth option here well let's try
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taking the dog for a walk at least you
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know that if you engage in that activity
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your partner is quite likely to be open
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for it
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[Music]
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