Pūtahi Hauora
Defence Health HubRelationship check in
Relationship Check In
00:07
so the relationship check-in is a very
00:09
quick easy way to to dial in to your
00:14
partner to get a sense of what's going
00:15
on in the relationship and to find out
00:17
really quickly what is working in the
00:19
relationship which is one of the things
00:20
that we're always interested in and it
00:22
basically goes like this so luke's going
00:24
to say to manu i'd like to have a
00:27
relationship check and is now a good
00:28
time i'd like to have a relationship
00:30
check in and is now a good time
00:32
yes
00:34
and uh and so he's going to ask her a
00:36
series of questions and the first one is
00:37
so what's your number so what's your
00:39
number and manu is i'm not going to give
00:42
her a uh give him her phone number she's
00:44
going to give a number from 0 to 10
00:46
where zero was basically a relationship
00:49
score where 10 is like
00:50
totally amazing is the best it could
00:52
ever be and zero was um i wouldn't
00:55
splash you if you're on fire
00:58
we're hoping the number high number is
01:00
higher than zero
01:02
8.8
01:05
and points are totally acceptable
01:07
so now manu can explain that a little
01:09
bit further but she doesn't have to and
01:11
um
01:13
she might if it was a little bit unusual
01:15
but otherwise
01:17
she just says the number and that that's
01:18
just how it is
01:20
and so luke's next question is so what
01:22
are we doing well
01:24
so what are we doing well
01:27
so what we are doing well
01:29
is our way to communicate to each other
01:37
manu's just going to give the number she
01:38
doesn't have to explain why she chose
01:40
that particular number she might if it
01:42
was a little bit unusual
01:44
but otherwise we just basically go with
01:46
the number and then the um the next
01:49
question she's going to ask is
01:52
luke's going to ask you so what are we
01:54
doing well
01:55
so what are we doing well
01:57
so
01:58
what we are doing well is our way to
02:01
communicate like we did this morning
02:04
and about living on time
02:08
okay so um so man is now given a really
02:11
specific example of um of an ex of a
02:14
time um you know preferably recently
02:17
where something's happened that that is
02:19
a good um that is a good example so luke
02:22
is now going to follow up with the next
02:23
question which is um so what are you
02:26
doing well
02:31
so what are you doing well
02:33
so what am i doing well is
02:36
the way that in
02:39
the relaxed way
02:41
that i just leave a house in time
02:44
without rushing myself okay
02:49
and um and so this might be something
02:50
that luke's aware uh aware of or it
02:52
could actually be something that um that
02:55
luke might not be aware of so for
02:56
instance you know manu might have
02:58
something that uh that she did so you
03:01
know she might have decided i decided i
03:03
would just go with the first top that i
03:05
put on rather than choosing between
03:06
three other tops
03:08
and
03:09
and so she might you know signal that to
03:11
luke
03:12
that she's actually done done that to
03:14
him
03:15
you know as kind of as a gift to the
03:17
relationship
03:18
so the next question is going to ask is
03:21
so what am i doing well
03:22
what am i doing well
03:24
so what are you doing well
03:26
is that
03:28
you
03:30
really talk
03:31
in way calmly and ask me to leave on
03:34
time
03:35
and we left the house when we were
03:38
supposed to
03:40
okay so um so we've got a pretty good
03:42
idea of of some things that are working
03:44
well that that money is feeling good
03:46
about and now we get into the last
03:48
question which is so what's our growth
03:50
opportunity so what is our growth
03:52
opportunity and the growth opportunity
03:54
is a specific tangible thing that can be
03:57
done in the next 24 to 48 hours that
04:00
would kind of help boost that number
04:02
from the 8.8 closer to the 10.
04:05
so what we can do
04:08
has a growth opportunity is to
04:11
continue to speak each other in the way
04:13
that we do and communicate
04:15
really
04:16
clearly
04:18
okay so manu has basically given
04:20
something that doesn't qualify as a
04:22
growth opportunity because what she's
04:24
done is she's given kind of like an
04:25
aspirational goal we're going to keep
04:27
trying to talk nice to each nicely to
04:28
each other which is really nice but it's
04:30
not specific enough and it's not
04:32
measurable and so we're not going to
04:33
know in the next day or two if we've
04:35
actually done that so what we're really
04:37
looking for here is um
04:40
the something that it could be more more
04:42
tangible so it might be so a growth
04:43
opportunity might be that we um we go
04:46
out for dinner tonight but that's
04:47
because we've had a long day filming or
04:49
um it might be something like that but
04:51
it's very tangible um
04:53
uh something that can be done so that it
04:55
will be seen if that is actually done
04:59
so our great opportunity could be to
05:02
celebrate
05:04
our way to talk to each other and go out
05:06
for dinner tonight
05:08
okay
05:10
and um soon luke's going to finish but
05:12
thank you for sharing thank you for
05:14
sharing my name thank you for listening
05:17
and then manu is going to turn around
05:19
and say um i'd like uh so what's your
05:22
number
05:26
your number so what's your number
05:28
eight point nine
05:30
then uh man is basically going to say um
05:33
so what are we doing well so what do you
05:35
think we're doing well so what are we
05:37
doing well
05:38
we're
05:39
communicating to each other in a really
05:41
calm gentle polite way
05:44
so what are you doing well what am i
05:46
doing well i am paying attention to
05:49
those little impulses to be impatient or
05:53
get aggravated and i'm not responding to
05:55
them
05:57
so what am i doing well
05:59
you
06:00
are also not reacting to and you
06:03
probably notice that i'm a little
06:05
impatient and you're also calmly
06:06
responding to me
06:08
and so in that one i'd probably want
06:10
luke to be a bit more specific so and so
06:12
maybe you know uh pick a time that he's
06:15
noticed manu respond more
06:18
more gently or more patiently with them
06:21
you responded more gently with me when
06:23
we were leaving the party last night and
06:25
jack was running out the door and i was
06:28
chasing after him but you calmed me down
06:30
and you got the situation
06:32
straightened without any anger
06:39
what is our growth opportunity
06:42
our growth opportunity is to celebrate
06:45
by going out dancing let's go tomorrow
06:47
night
06:49
okay and so that's within the 24 to 48
06:52
hours and so as a result of this
06:54
conversation we now have a seri uh two
06:56
practical things that we could do
06:58
sometimes what might happen is one
07:00
person might put a growth opportunity up
07:02
and then the next person is like yeah
07:03
that's an amazing idea and back it up
07:06
now sometimes when you do a growth
07:08
opportunity those are normally the most
07:10
challenging things for people to do and
07:12
the normal challenges that people have
07:14
is that they're not specific enough so
07:15
they don't actually uh clearly um for
07:18
what it is that they want um the second
07:21
thing that people can do sometimes is
07:23
they ask for something that that's kind
07:25
of huge so you have the couple that
07:27
hasn't had sex for five years and the
07:29
growth opportunity is wow let's have sex
07:31
tonight that that's probably a bit too
07:33
much of a hurdle to jump into so it
07:35
might be you know let's go for a walk
07:37
and hold hands would be a more
07:39
appropriate progression for that
07:41
the um the other thing that it can also
07:44
happen is uh that the couple sometimes
07:46
might derail in terms of trying to fix
07:48
it so um you know someone says hey we go
07:51
out for dinner tonight and then the
07:53
other person jumps and hangs it we've
07:54
got the pta meeting or or whatever don't
07:56
worry about it just take the growth
07:58
opportunity and you can negotiate later
08:00
if it needs to happen
08:01
and the most important thing is that
08:04
growth opportunities are growth
08:05
opportunities they're not demands and
08:08
they're not contracts so if you put
08:10
something out as a growth opportunity
08:12
it's something that you can do together
08:14
not something that you have to do
08:16
together
08:17
you're basically just telling your
08:18
partner an opportunity that you have to
08:20
win and i just forgot there's one more
08:22
thing when you do a growth opportunity a
08:24
growth opportunity is either for both of
08:26
you
08:27
or the person speaking it's not an
08:29
opportunity to give your partner a job
08:31
so i can't have a growth opportunity for
08:33
my partner that said well the growth
08:35
opportunity is you know you could clean
08:37
the kitchen up tonight that's not to
08:39
qualify growth opportunity might be for
08:41
me to clean the kitchen or that you know
08:44
that we clean the kitchen together
08:46
that that would be an example that would
08:48
work
08:53
so the great thing about doing the
08:55
relationship check in on a regular basis
08:58
is that very few relationships go from
09:00
really good to really bad overnight
09:03
um and so if you're doing this on a sim
09:07
semi-regular basis you know once or
09:08
twice a week
09:10
once you've got the dialogue down it
09:12
provides a very accessible way to to be
09:15
able to dial into what's happening in
09:16
your partner's world
09:18
and
09:19
and to track how it's going in the
09:21
relationship so things are starting to
09:23
trim down hill when you're doing that
09:25
it's a signal that you're going to need
09:26
to start doing something that your
09:28
relationship bank account is getting a
09:29
little bit low
09:30
and
09:32
this dialogue was also specifically
09:34
designed
09:35
for couples where the relationship is
09:37
not going very well
09:39
because the first question of uh you
09:41
know so what's the number if the number
09:43
is two that's not going to feel really
09:45
fantastic but on the other hand it's a
09:48
lot better than your partner telling you
09:49
all the reasons why it is a two
09:51
so it's just a signal to you that said
09:53
things are not really great
09:55
the um the next question of so what are
09:58
we doing well if your score is a two
10:01
it's going to be a little bit hard to
10:03
answer
10:04
and but it's an opportunity
10:07
for the person who's speaking to take
10:08
responsibility for the fact that both of
10:10
you are still doing something because
10:13
the numbers are two not a zero so maybe
10:15
you're just feeding the dog maybe you're
10:17
just paying the mortgage maybe you're
10:19
still feeding the kids those are not
10:21
particularly great as relationship
10:22
skills but again they're better than a
10:24
zero no one's stabbing the other person
10:27
so that's a good place to be better than
10:29
the zero
10:31
the next question of what are you doing
10:33
well is really good because if the
10:35
scores are two most of the time we're
10:37
not doing anything we're just
10:39
complaining in our head about our
10:40
partner and so there's an opportunity
10:42
for us to take a note of the fact that
10:45
uh of what we're doing and to take
10:47
responsibility for that
10:49
and then um
10:50
generally by the time you've done done
10:52
that you've had to acknowledge a few
10:54
positives along the way and it's
10:56
normally easier for us to see at least
10:58
some things that our partners are doing
11:00
that are that are helping in some way
11:02
and and then the growth opportunity is
11:04
super important here because it gives
11:07
you a way to signal uh a way to be
11:10
successful in the relationship because
11:12
often when couples are sitting at
11:14
roughly a two it just becomes really
11:16
hard to to do when you think because you
11:19
never know if you're going to be shot
11:20
down where at least with the growth
11:22
growth opportunity there's
11:24
a way that you can say okay well you
11:26
know growth option here well let's try
11:28
taking the dog for a walk at least you
11:30
know that if you engage in that activity
11:32
your partner is quite likely to be open
11:34
for it
11:47
[Music]
11:51
you
so the relationship check-in is a very
00:09
quick easy way to to dial in to your
00:14
partner to get a sense of what's going
00:15
on in the relationship and to find out
00:17
really quickly what is working in the
00:19
relationship which is one of the things
00:20
that we're always interested in and it
00:22
basically goes like this so luke's going
00:24
to say to manu i'd like to have a
00:27
relationship check and is now a good
00:28
time i'd like to have a relationship
00:30
check in and is now a good time
00:32
yes
00:34
and uh and so he's going to ask her a
00:36
series of questions and the first one is
00:37
so what's your number so what's your
00:39
number and manu is i'm not going to give
00:42
her a uh give him her phone number she's
00:44
going to give a number from 0 to 10
00:46
where zero was basically a relationship
00:49
score where 10 is like
00:50
totally amazing is the best it could
00:52
ever be and zero was um i wouldn't
00:55
splash you if you're on fire
00:58
we're hoping the number high number is
01:00
higher than zero
01:02
8.8
01:05
and points are totally acceptable
01:07
so now manu can explain that a little
01:09
bit further but she doesn't have to and
01:11
um
01:13
she might if it was a little bit unusual
01:15
but otherwise
01:17
she just says the number and that that's
01:18
just how it is
01:20
and so luke's next question is so what
01:22
are we doing well
01:24
so what are we doing well
01:27
so what we are doing well
01:29
is our way to communicate to each other
01:37
manu's just going to give the number she
01:38
doesn't have to explain why she chose
01:40
that particular number she might if it
01:42
was a little bit unusual
01:44
but otherwise we just basically go with
01:46
the number and then the um the next
01:49
question she's going to ask is
01:52
luke's going to ask you so what are we
01:54
doing well
01:55
so what are we doing well
01:57
so
01:58
what we are doing well is our way to
02:01
communicate like we did this morning
02:04
and about living on time
02:08
okay so um so man is now given a really
02:11
specific example of um of an ex of a
02:14
time um you know preferably recently
02:17
where something's happened that that is
02:19
a good um that is a good example so luke
02:22
is now going to follow up with the next
02:23
question which is um so what are you
02:26
doing well
02:31
so what are you doing well
02:33
so what am i doing well is
02:36
the way that in
02:39
the relaxed way
02:41
that i just leave a house in time
02:44
without rushing myself okay
02:49
and um and so this might be something
02:50
that luke's aware uh aware of or it
02:52
could actually be something that um that
02:55
luke might not be aware of so for
02:56
instance you know manu might have
02:58
something that uh that she did so you
03:01
know she might have decided i decided i
03:03
would just go with the first top that i
03:05
put on rather than choosing between
03:06
three other tops
03:08
and
03:09
and so she might you know signal that to
03:11
luke
03:12
that she's actually done done that to
03:14
him
03:15
you know as kind of as a gift to the
03:17
relationship
03:18
so the next question is going to ask is
03:21
so what am i doing well
03:22
what am i doing well
03:24
so what are you doing well
03:26
is that
03:28
you
03:30
really talk
03:31
in way calmly and ask me to leave on
03:34
time
03:35
and we left the house when we were
03:38
supposed to
03:40
okay so um so we've got a pretty good
03:42
idea of of some things that are working
03:44
well that that money is feeling good
03:46
about and now we get into the last
03:48
question which is so what's our growth
03:50
opportunity so what is our growth
03:52
opportunity and the growth opportunity
03:54
is a specific tangible thing that can be
03:57
done in the next 24 to 48 hours that
04:00
would kind of help boost that number
04:02
from the 8.8 closer to the 10.
04:05
so what we can do
04:08
has a growth opportunity is to
04:11
continue to speak each other in the way
04:13
that we do and communicate
04:15
really
04:16
clearly
04:18
okay so manu has basically given
04:20
something that doesn't qualify as a
04:22
growth opportunity because what she's
04:24
done is she's given kind of like an
04:25
aspirational goal we're going to keep
04:27
trying to talk nice to each nicely to
04:28
each other which is really nice but it's
04:30
not specific enough and it's not
04:32
measurable and so we're not going to
04:33
know in the next day or two if we've
04:35
actually done that so what we're really
04:37
looking for here is um
04:40
the something that it could be more more
04:42
tangible so it might be so a growth
04:43
opportunity might be that we um we go
04:46
out for dinner tonight but that's
04:47
because we've had a long day filming or
04:49
um it might be something like that but
04:51
it's very tangible um
04:53
uh something that can be done so that it
04:55
will be seen if that is actually done
04:59
so our great opportunity could be to
05:02
celebrate
05:04
our way to talk to each other and go out
05:06
for dinner tonight
05:08
okay
05:10
and um soon luke's going to finish but
05:12
thank you for sharing thank you for
05:14
sharing my name thank you for listening
05:17
and then manu is going to turn around
05:19
and say um i'd like uh so what's your
05:22
number
05:26
your number so what's your number
05:28
eight point nine
05:30
then uh man is basically going to say um
05:33
so what are we doing well so what do you
05:35
think we're doing well so what are we
05:37
doing well
05:38
we're
05:39
communicating to each other in a really
05:41
calm gentle polite way
05:44
so what are you doing well what am i
05:46
doing well i am paying attention to
05:49
those little impulses to be impatient or
05:53
get aggravated and i'm not responding to
05:55
them
05:57
so what am i doing well
05:59
you
06:00
are also not reacting to and you
06:03
probably notice that i'm a little
06:05
impatient and you're also calmly
06:06
responding to me
06:08
and so in that one i'd probably want
06:10
luke to be a bit more specific so and so
06:12
maybe you know uh pick a time that he's
06:15
noticed manu respond more
06:18
more gently or more patiently with them
06:21
you responded more gently with me when
06:23
we were leaving the party last night and
06:25
jack was running out the door and i was
06:28
chasing after him but you calmed me down
06:30
and you got the situation
06:32
straightened without any anger
06:39
what is our growth opportunity
06:42
our growth opportunity is to celebrate
06:45
by going out dancing let's go tomorrow
06:47
night
06:49
okay and so that's within the 24 to 48
06:52
hours and so as a result of this
06:54
conversation we now have a seri uh two
06:56
practical things that we could do
06:58
sometimes what might happen is one
07:00
person might put a growth opportunity up
07:02
and then the next person is like yeah
07:03
that's an amazing idea and back it up
07:06
now sometimes when you do a growth
07:08
opportunity those are normally the most
07:10
challenging things for people to do and
07:12
the normal challenges that people have
07:14
is that they're not specific enough so
07:15
they don't actually uh clearly um for
07:18
what it is that they want um the second
07:21
thing that people can do sometimes is
07:23
they ask for something that that's kind
07:25
of huge so you have the couple that
07:27
hasn't had sex for five years and the
07:29
growth opportunity is wow let's have sex
07:31
tonight that that's probably a bit too
07:33
much of a hurdle to jump into so it
07:35
might be you know let's go for a walk
07:37
and hold hands would be a more
07:39
appropriate progression for that
07:41
the um the other thing that it can also
07:44
happen is uh that the couple sometimes
07:46
might derail in terms of trying to fix
07:48
it so um you know someone says hey we go
07:51
out for dinner tonight and then the
07:53
other person jumps and hangs it we've
07:54
got the pta meeting or or whatever don't
07:56
worry about it just take the growth
07:58
opportunity and you can negotiate later
08:00
if it needs to happen
08:01
and the most important thing is that
08:04
growth opportunities are growth
08:05
opportunities they're not demands and
08:08
they're not contracts so if you put
08:10
something out as a growth opportunity
08:12
it's something that you can do together
08:14
not something that you have to do
08:16
together
08:17
you're basically just telling your
08:18
partner an opportunity that you have to
08:20
win and i just forgot there's one more
08:22
thing when you do a growth opportunity a
08:24
growth opportunity is either for both of
08:26
you
08:27
or the person speaking it's not an
08:29
opportunity to give your partner a job
08:31
so i can't have a growth opportunity for
08:33
my partner that said well the growth
08:35
opportunity is you know you could clean
08:37
the kitchen up tonight that's not to
08:39
qualify growth opportunity might be for
08:41
me to clean the kitchen or that you know
08:44
that we clean the kitchen together
08:46
that that would be an example that would
08:48
work
08:53
so the great thing about doing the
08:55
relationship check in on a regular basis
08:58
is that very few relationships go from
09:00
really good to really bad overnight
09:03
um and so if you're doing this on a sim
09:07
semi-regular basis you know once or
09:08
twice a week
09:10
once you've got the dialogue down it
09:12
provides a very accessible way to to be
09:15
able to dial into what's happening in
09:16
your partner's world
09:18
and
09:19
and to track how it's going in the
09:21
relationship so things are starting to
09:23
trim down hill when you're doing that
09:25
it's a signal that you're going to need
09:26
to start doing something that your
09:28
relationship bank account is getting a
09:29
little bit low
09:30
and
09:32
this dialogue was also specifically
09:34
designed
09:35
for couples where the relationship is
09:37
not going very well
09:39
because the first question of uh you
09:41
know so what's the number if the number
09:43
is two that's not going to feel really
09:45
fantastic but on the other hand it's a
09:48
lot better than your partner telling you
09:49
all the reasons why it is a two
09:51
so it's just a signal to you that said
09:53
things are not really great
09:55
the um the next question of so what are
09:58
we doing well if your score is a two
10:01
it's going to be a little bit hard to
10:03
answer
10:04
and but it's an opportunity
10:07
for the person who's speaking to take
10:08
responsibility for the fact that both of
10:10
you are still doing something because
10:13
the numbers are two not a zero so maybe
10:15
you're just feeding the dog maybe you're
10:17
just paying the mortgage maybe you're
10:19
still feeding the kids those are not
10:21
particularly great as relationship
10:22
skills but again they're better than a
10:24
zero no one's stabbing the other person
10:27
so that's a good place to be better than
10:29
the zero
10:31
the next question of what are you doing
10:33
well is really good because if the
10:35
scores are two most of the time we're
10:37
not doing anything we're just
10:39
complaining in our head about our
10:40
partner and so there's an opportunity
10:42
for us to take a note of the fact that
10:45
uh of what we're doing and to take
10:47
responsibility for that
10:49
and then um
10:50
generally by the time you've done done
10:52
that you've had to acknowledge a few
10:54
positives along the way and it's
10:56
normally easier for us to see at least
10:58
some things that our partners are doing
11:00
that are that are helping in some way
11:02
and and then the growth opportunity is
11:04
super important here because it gives
11:07
you a way to signal uh a way to be
11:10
successful in the relationship because
11:12
often when couples are sitting at
11:14
roughly a two it just becomes really
11:16
hard to to do when you think because you
11:19
never know if you're going to be shot
11:20
down where at least with the growth
11:22
growth opportunity there's
11:24
a way that you can say okay well you
11:26
know growth option here well let's try
11:28
taking the dog for a walk at least you
11:30
know that if you engage in that activity
11:32
your partner is quite likely to be open
11:34
for it
11:47
[Music]
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you