Being Men is a New Zealand Rugby (NZR) video series that explores wellbeing, healthy relationships and masculinity from the perspective of New Zealand men.
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[Music]
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one of the things I learned about love
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as a young boy was that love could
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physically hurt you love could be when
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you're getting the Bosch you're getting
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us a sir and I guess I I don't want
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other men to think that that is love I I
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think that's a type of love that the
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whole world should be rid of it's not
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love
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[Music]
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yeah kind of a thing we just in the
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rugby suit because we probably just I
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don't assume maybe a little bit that
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that everything's all good and we all
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you know all kind of strong in the field
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within off the field around is supposed
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to be you know gentle and kind of real
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caring but I don't know I guess some
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people you know might have a little
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demons that they carry with them and
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it's kind of probably you just never
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really know like weapons behind closed
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doors and you see a few incidents in the
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public and the media sometimes of rugby
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boys who doing things to their partners
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or they're getting caught in doing
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things that are like a salt and stuff
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there aren't they aren't right and yeah
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it's quite a hard one like it's really
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because you just don't know like Oh
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everyone in my teens all good fellows
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and you know I get on every single one
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of them but yeah you just not sure what
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people can do under the influence or or
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whatever they do go ahead to close doors
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you um yeah I guess family violence in
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domestic violence is incredibly bad in
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New Zealand and it is something I think
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is mean like we need to speak up about
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in I definitely like I'm a big believer
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that we need to be be open as men and
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like personally like when I've been open
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with with guys that frees up a lot of I
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guess worries or issues of him or anger
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or whatever I've had in my life and it
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gives me a sense of comfort and freedom
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and I guess what I'm trying to allude to
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is that maybe like in communities that
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if guys are being vulnerable with each
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other and they are talking to each other
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there might help someone that might be
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involved in domestic violence
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to be better I think a lot of these
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things are hidden and that they're not
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talked about and it's the worst possible
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thing that could happen because it's
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happening in silence or this man is
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angry but he hasn't had a chance to
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express his anger so he's using it
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towards his family and I definitely
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think as men if we the more we can talk
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the more vulnerable we we can be the
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less frustrations or anger we'll have
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inside because I'm a big believer that a
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lot of it is because we don't talk about
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it we just let it boil up to the point
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it's sadly it's our family families will
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WAIS or whoever it is affected by it
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yeah I feel like you have to work on
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yourself to be able to handle your
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like when it comes thoughts and feelings
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and emotions like not saying you know
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how to feel that way you know how to
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think that but it's the actions and what
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you do that come from it so your mind
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can be angry anyone can be stressed out
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but there's a difference between you
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know lashing out at your partner and
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saying to you I'll look I'm stressed out
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I'm angry
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you know just a huggie pissed off okay
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it's just I'm no different than anyone
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else but it's what I do about it I don't
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mind going beat people up will I always
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thought swearing I was trying to find
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out ways to like you process those
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emotions and channel it like you in a
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healthy way just like handling handling
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your really and with its yeah
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if you can't realize that and go get
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help but you can't do it all on your own
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if you know that you can't handle it
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mean I wake up and realize that okay the
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things that I've been doing up until now
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I ain't working find something else go
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you talk about it go get help
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yeah
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[Music]
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anger and frustration I think you know I
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still feel that a lot has probably a lot
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of things that you know I'm still
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figuring out as a person although I'm
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like you know I'd like to be happy and
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bubbly there's things that bubble the
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blood so to say and you know whether
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that's balancing my family and my work
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life getting those things right you know
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someone that's getting on my nerves and
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probably not dealing with that and
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letting it sort of bubble over
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you know I deal with that often but you
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know I try not to let the anger
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frustration get the better of me I try
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and you know break it down in my head
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and not let it get to the point where
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just like an outburst or or you know
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like a bit of Rage shown you can defuse
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it straight away just so yeah and while
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I'm seeing is just a live of being a man
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and maturing with yourself to be in
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control of yourself you know always
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remembering you is if it's if it's if I
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did wrong I'm quick to say yes I am
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sorry you know really really sorry and
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asked for forgiveness as well and
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there's quick closes the door and I said
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so that's where this weird mana comes
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back into try not hold your mana a long
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time even if you rather than soaked or
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white or wrong you should still have
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that that respect that who of you who
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were there person or persons oh it's
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just that the so-called love element
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that comes into it does wick the biggest
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thing that helped us was communication
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like being able to talk about how we
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feel and why we mad and mum mom's a big
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advocate for for conversation even
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though sometimes she's just like you
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talk too much in that's like she's she'd
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she'd rather meets how her how I feel
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then me not tell her at all and she's
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is very well-versed at letting me know
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how she feels and and I know exactly
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what to do when that happens so and she
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knows exactly what to do and I gave it
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but it's like you know that line of
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communication is valuable but I
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sometimes and I do understand that it
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doesn't work for families because
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sometimes these people don't want to
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communicate they just act out in
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violence and that's just the way it's
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been wired and then so I don't have a
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surefire answer way like surefire answer
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but I do know that if people were
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willing to just communicate with what
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others especially amongst the
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generations like our older generation
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and our younger generation which seems
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to be one of the main concerns in our
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Pacific community is that sort of kept
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their bridging that connection between
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the two if they could just speak on a
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more open forum and understand sort of
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their ways and what they've learned and
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what they believe in I think I think the
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it's a stepping stone so that sort of
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more prosperous future where we can read
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that role of violence but it's it's such
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a big journey
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[Music]
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hearing that from dead you know that I
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just need to be more accountable for my
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actions
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this is what I need is what I needed to
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hear and I think there is something only
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a man can say to another man you know
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they were all like kick in the guts
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check you know like it's what you're
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doing is not good enough pull it
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together in terms of be bitter if that's
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coming from a male that you really
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admire and it's probably gonna do
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something good for you yeah I would like
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to think that I'm growing my confidence
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to pull people up when I don't think
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something's right like definitely couple
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years ago I wouldn't have that courage
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to do it but I guess it depends what in
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what context someone has put someone
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down or a man has put his woman down or
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something like that all depend on if I
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stiffen or not or if I say something to
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him but like I can remember differently
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a lot of times like and it's not in a
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relationship
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point of view as such but it might be
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there you know sometimes like guys in a
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group might try to get a laugh at
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putting someone else down and then in
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the way that I don't I guess in the way
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I show courage to say that's not okay is
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like not laugh or give him a look if
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there makes sense yeah definitely if I
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don't think something's right I won't
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laugh or or I won't be like given that
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appreciation he wants if it makes sense
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hmm well I just I just keep this rising
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feeling that no one said something about
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I
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and I will mmm that's how I know you
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know when I'm in a space and I see a
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woman or a trans person being treated
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yeah in a way that I wouldn't want to be
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and because of because of gender that I
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have to say something yeah I still
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struggle for now but I know it's the
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wrong thing not to say something and
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it's just having that courage to and
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yeah like if someone like that it I'll
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jump on board like you know because I'm
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not the one that's like water out first
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but it's having this strength in the
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courage to like be their person if it's
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not right then and try and say it
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just lead by example they don't grow
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empower your wife to love your children
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and just be a good strong person for our
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community
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that's all we want and that's all I
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believe our young people need just a
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good strong kind man they're not just in
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New Zealand all around the world it's a
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fair time we rise up in and lead well my
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Mahara Tony
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mama Hiroki remember always my
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keto Marco I always return to your heart
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of love Chiara
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[Music]
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[Music]
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you
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[Music]
9:44
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Keeping our whānau safe
Families are supposed to be a safe place and be a group of people who you can rely on in good times and in hard. Sadly, this isn’t always the reality for some people. A person may not be safe at home with their whānau for a number of reasons. Read through this information to see some of the factors that may lead to safety concerns.
NZDF supports a safe whānau approach that means that all members in the whānau can thrive or flourish. We want to support whānau to join fully in the community. We want whānau to be able to contribute to the wellbeing of the wider community (as much as they would like to) through taking part in community groups and clubs, volunteering to help those who are less able or fortunate and helping to create a sense of belonging and identity.
In NZDF we know the importance of the support our whānau provide for our members and the difference they make for us to do our work. In turn there are several ways we support our families, by:
Providing family support to personnel on all camps and bases.
Supporting flexible work practices where able.
Providing opportunities for NZDF families/whānau to connect with each other.
Holding regular family events and providing specific activities.
By providing specific support to families/whānau during deployments.
What happens at work when safety concerns arise?
If there are safety issues happening at home, or within the whānau it may involve a NZDF member not living the values of our organisation. Equally, it could arise from their family/whānau member with unsafe behaviours or your civilian partner or family member. These unsafe behaviours are heavily influenced by upbringing and experience of healthy relationships. If there are safety concerns happening, then this will require time and focus within the home from the NZDF member and all in the home will need a helping hand from support services.
If the whānau are not safe or thriving it is likely that this will have an impact at work too. The unit may be impacted by a member needing time off work to manage these issues, being absent or on sick leave. Sometimes the person may also be showing risky behaviours or attitudes, conflict in the team, safety issues during operations or exercises, or the potential for harm to the team.
What can contribute to family safety or harm issues?
Family safety issues are complex and there are often multiple factors or systems contributing to these issues. Here are some examples that lead to family safety concerns in a New Zealand environment:
Family violence or family harm.
Child abuse or neglect.
Sexual violence or harm.
Health or mental health issues.
Addictions of any kind (alcohol, gambling, gaming, porn).
Financial instability.
Barriers to clean dry and warm housing or mobility/ transience issues.
Barriers to transport or access to community resources.
Access to health services or the impact of health conditions (chronic, acute, mental health, genetic, injury or accident, terminal illness).
Education or work participation.
Justice or other disciplinary process.
Lack of meaningful work.
Mainstream society attitudes or customs.
Lack of cultural support or cultural safety or access to religious practices.
Barriers to access early childhood services.
Lack of Parenting support.
Lack of support when things aren’t going okay.
Unable to access the basic necessities to live.
What can you do if your whānau are unsafe?
Tell someone you trust and ask for their support to help your whānau be safe.
Create a safety plan with someone you trust.
Put child safety first and talk to your child educator or health provider or other professional about getting help.
The person that is making the environment unsafe needs to be accountable for their behaviours. Try to get them support to change (if it won’t heighten risk for other whānau members). Ensure the safety of any children or vulnerable family/whānau members has been secured first.
Learn more about our internal support services here
If you believe another whānau you know are not safe you can ask questions like:
Are you ok?
Is someone hurting you?
Is there anything I can do?
Providing support if someone tells you they are unsafe at home
Listen, listen, listen – you don’t need to give advice.
Provide practical support – make a meal, take them to support services, be a point of contact on their safety plan, offer to take care of children.
Take their story seriously—don’t brush it off.
Support them to find their own way through the issue but by just being alongside them you will be helping.
Be prepared to take action if you know children are at risk and no one will do anything—phone NZ Police (111) or Oranga Tamariki 0508 326 459. Children don’t have choices about where they live or what they see hear or experience. The adults need to put them first in these situations.
Keep connected with them even if they have agencies involved.
Community projects to create positive change
Creating networks within existing community settings (church, marae, school) to respond to family safety issues.
Find out what some of the gaps are in community resources and get formal partners to advocate for solutions.
Create a local community campaign for a national family harm prevention strategy—for example, White Ribbon.
Apply for funding to improve community facilities which in turn will support healthy whānau.
Invite guest speakers from other communities in the country who have had success with community projects on this topic.