Five easy strategies to build your love

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imagine if i told you that you could
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have an amazing relationship
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you know long lasting passionate playful
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connected and all you need to do is
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spend for the next three years spend 20
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minutes a day in some specific
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activities is that something that would
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interest you
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now i don't know if you've had this
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experience before but you know you're
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you're in bed it's the end of the day
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you're tired you're just about to drift
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off to sleep and your partner goes oh
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honey um
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can i talk to you about something you're
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like uh
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yeah
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and they they start raising an issue or
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a concern
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and um if you're anything like me you're
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kind of going uh-huh maybe if i just you
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just go how periodically i can get
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through that conversation which never
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works and then um and so then you you um
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after a while of doing that you know
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your your partner goes ah you're not
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listening to me so you roll over try and
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have this conversation it goes badly
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wife rolls over not talking to you and
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you're lying awake in bed adrenaline
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pumping through your system not able to
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sleep
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so what is actually happening happening
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there in that interaction is between the
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two of you you have failed to create a
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system that feels safe and secure it's
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not functioning well
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and as we've talked about before as
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relationship champions we tend not to
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have had the best model in terms of how
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to do that
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and so a few years ago i was fortunate
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to be doing some training with stan tech
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and instead tekken specializes in
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working with with couples who who come
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from insecure
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attachment backgrounds so a couple to
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have trauma and difficulty in their
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background and he he's working to try
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and help them build what he calls a
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secure functioning relationship
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now the simplest way to understand that
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is to think about a boat so your
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relationship's like a boat you have the
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two of you in it and your primary job in
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the boat is to make sure that you take
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care of the other person in the boat
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like your life depends on it which we
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actually know that it does
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so being in a bad relationship to you is
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more dangerous than smoking drinking
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eating junk food and not exercising all
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four of those are less dangerous to you
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than being in a bad relationship
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on average being in a bad relationship
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will kill you or kill you about 10 years
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earlier
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and so um what stan was basically
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looking at is is by making the
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relationship the priority the number one
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then basically everything else that
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we're dealing with in life becomes a
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third so the two of us are number one
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there's a gap
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and then we have thirds so the kids are
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a third your job is a third alcohol's a
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third sport is a third your
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mother-in-law is a third and so the way
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that you deal with those needs to be
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resolved in a way that works for the
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boat and i'm going to give you a um
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an example of what this might look like
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that might be a little bit controversial
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but just imagine that you've had a
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really kind of tough day
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and um
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the uh you know
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say the husband comes home and he's like
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babe i stopped by uh my local dealer
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picked up a nice fat joint and when the
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kids are in bed we can sit out on the
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deck have a glass of wine and smoke a
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joint together
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now
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what happens at that point in time
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depends on the particular particular
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couple
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now in a secure functioning relationship
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the the guy who's done that knows that
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his wife is going to respond something
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like oh my god that would be totally
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amazing i'm really excited about
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this they get the kids out there they
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smoke the joint together have some wine
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make love you know they feel really
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connected and and they both feel really
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good so cannabis as the third
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he's functioning well in terms of the
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relationship no one's getting arrested
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the fact that other people would say
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that that was illegal or not something
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they would do who cares because those
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other people are not in the boat
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if however the partner responds my god
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what are you doing that's illegal you
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can't do that you know it's a terrible
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example for the kids they have a big
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fight about it then that third is not
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working well in the boat
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so what happens is this principle of
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putting the relationship first making
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the relationship primary then becomes a
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really simple way to resolve arguments
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because you don't have to back your own
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fight your own corner anymore you need
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to fight the relationships corner okay
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and so you suddenly avoid a whole series
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of different arguments because if you're
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saying um
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if you're saying it's our anniversary
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weekend my boss wants me to work late
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well maybe you know i could try and get
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my wife to you know to agree with me so
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that i can i can do this thing because i
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really want to get a promotion we're not
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going to do that thing we're not going
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to create that scenario um unless we're
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really confident that my partner would
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be completely happy for us to be working
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rather than having our anniversary
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dinner
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so what in that situation we're going to
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make the assumption that the
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relationship come first and that boss
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can wait and we're going to go out for
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dinner and we're going to have a have a
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really good time and we'll talk with our
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partner about it of course but it
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becomes an easy decision to make
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so the really great thing about this is
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that this actually works for both both
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parties because you can't um it's not
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like just one person is giving them for
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the other person you the decisions you
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make need to work for for both of you so
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for instance if you know you wake up in
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the morning and the one person says oh
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don't go to work just stay at home with
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me cuddle me in bed because you know
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that's what i really want it you could
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say well you know that's a possibility
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but is that good for the relationship
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and if i'm going to get fired if i don't
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go to work then um that's probably in
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the in the um in the grand scheme of
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things is not a good choice for the
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relationship and so then you would say
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babe i'd love to do that that sounds
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really exciting there's nothing i'd like
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more
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but i don't think it's a smart idea to
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get fired and so then um you know you
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can use that strategy so you might still
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disagree but the the goal is always that
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you're putting the relationship first
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stan also came up with a very practical
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set of strategies that can be used uh in
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to improve the relationship and
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basically he identified these particular
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periods of time uh during the day that
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uh
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where what you do has
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significantly more uh relational
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significance
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and so
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the um so i basically call them an
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attack attachment windows and so what he
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basically said was when you go to sleep
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at night
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what basically happens is the baby part
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of the brain
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gets activated and when babies go to
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sleep they don't actually know that
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they're gonna wake up
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okay and so it is a time of anxiety and
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uncertainty for for babies now as adults
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we know that we are going to wake up but
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what happens for us physiologically is
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over time as we get towards the end of
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the evening our brain of our prefrontal
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cortex starts shutting down and we start
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preparing ourselves to enter the zone of
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the night which means that we start
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moving more into the child brain and the
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baby brain
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and so uh the the what you do when you
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go to bed is a kind of like a triple
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bonus point opportunity if you do really
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good in that opportunity in that
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opportunity you're gonna make a whole
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whole bunch more uh points in the bank
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account if you do bad you lose a whole
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lot more
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and so in simple terms one of the the
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key tips that we want to talk about here
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is when you go to bed
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put your phone away ideally don't bring
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it into the bedroom and for those of you
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who think that that's kind of an
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appalling suggestion i need to ask you
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would you bring your friend
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into bed with you but we with your
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partner while you're in your pajamas
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would you bring your boss into bed with
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you would you bring random strangers in
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the bed to you and if the answer and
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hopefully it is is no
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then don't bring the phone because what
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you're actually doing is you're
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introducing those elements into um
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into a space that is sacred and that is
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for the two of you in your bubble
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have some time for the physical touch
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and cuddles because that's basically how
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we engage with the child brain and the
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baby brain but the last thing you want
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to be doing at night is telling your
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partner something that you appreciate
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about them and so you're creating a
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space that feels safe that feels
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connected and so
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there's a sense that going to bed is the
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safe time that the baby part of the
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brain can says you know i'm secure i'm
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loved and
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and the child brain is feeling happy and
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unwanted and and so that's going to help
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you sleep better it's going to help
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reset your nervous system and it's going
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to prepare you for the next day to be a
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good day
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so that's the first attachment window
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the second attachment window is we is
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the one that occurs when you wake up and
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so again if we go back to the baby when
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babies wake up
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again no prefrontal cortex so they don't
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have that long-term memory so they wake
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up and they're like where the hell am i
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which is why often our babies will wake
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up and cry and what we do is we want to
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provide reassurance touch
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comfort and contact
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and so this can obviously be quite
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challenging if people wake up at
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different times it's normal in a
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relationship that you have one person
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will wake up and they're you know
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bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready
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to go and someone who's more of a you
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know hibernation type and so they're
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just like you know don't wake me do i
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have to get up
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and so one of the things that often
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works quite well for people is to set an
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alarm clock
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for the person who wakes up early and
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when that alarm clock goes off that they
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hit the snooze button roll over cuddle
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their panda who doesn't have to wake up
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okay
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and um so create that contact first
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thing in the morning even though the
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other person's still sleeping or see me
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sleeping their body registered that
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sense of that early contact with that
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familiar person and then once the second
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alarm goes off the person who wants to
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get up and go can go and they don't have
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to sit there and be stressed about oh
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how long do we have to cuddle or what
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what's happening there they make that
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contact for a period of time and then
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they go and
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we've even done this with with couples
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where there's been shift working or or
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something like this and they've reported
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that i don't know why but it's it's kind
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of like it just i feel more connected it
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feels easier it feels safer
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and um
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so anecdotally what we were kind of
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seeing is that couples connect better
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when they have that sense of safety
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together
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so that's the second attachment window
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the third attachment window is the one
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that occurs when you leave
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and this can be leaving the house but
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even sometimes if
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when people are working at home and then
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you're being together and then someone's
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going off to the office just taking an
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opportunity to leave
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well is really important because leaving
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triggers a really primal fear more in
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the child brain
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about abandonment you're leaving are you
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going to come back
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and so one of the things that we like to
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do with that is
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when you say goodbye to your partner
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don't just kiss them or say goodbye pick
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them up and give them the hug you could
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practice the hero hug or just something
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but full body contact and look at them
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in the eye and tell them when you are
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coming back
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and incidentally this is really
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important because often where
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it's actually a safety factor where uh
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people people
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are having affairs one of the things
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that they do is they start time bending
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and so that the getting into that habit
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of just telling your partner i'm coming
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back you know i'll be home at six
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o'clock um actually creates an
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additional safety factor and then
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obviously if during the day something
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happens and you're going to be a little
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bit later you call your partner up and
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you do another another goodbye and a
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reassurance about when you're going to
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be getting back home
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so that's the third attachment window
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the fourth attachment window is one of
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the most challenging one and this is the
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one where you're coming home and what
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happens then is this is the most
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frequent time where couples have
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conflict and there's a couple of reasons
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for it so typically at the end of the
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day men in particular tend to be quite
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low in testosterone because i've
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expended a lot of it at work and so what
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happens is men in toss who are low in
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testosterone have low energy low
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motivation and they're grumpy and
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irritable
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and so you have the guys you know
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they're coming home it's been a hard day
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and internally the child part of their
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brain is like oh school was tough and i
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want to go home and watch cartoons and
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mum's going to bring me milk and coffee
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you know milk and milk and cookies
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and
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so and so they come in
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inside ready to flop
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and so their partner you know may have
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been working or maybe he's been at home
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with the kids
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and so they come in and um now for women
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their motivational hormone that's more
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powerful for them tends to be oxytocin
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now obviously there are exceptions to
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this in both cases and both men and
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women have both testosterone and
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oxytocin running
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but oxytocin when it is low is
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is boosted by touch and talking so
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social contact and so a woman who's low
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in oxytocin is going to be wanting uh to
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talk to her partner to boost um boost
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the the level of oxytocin um that she's
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experiencing and so then she's going to
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be meeting a partner who's potentially
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tired grumpy and basically not wanting
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to talk
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also a woman has had a really great day
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so her oxytocin's really high is going
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to want to share the oxytocin because
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it's a social bonding hormone and again
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she's more likely to be touching but
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she's also probably going to want to
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talk and so that setup creates a really
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common clash point
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where there's a mismatch of expectation
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and so the strategy that we're going to
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teach you later is about when you're
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coming home what you want to be doing is
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if you're the guy particularly if you
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know you've had a difficult day and
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particularly if you have young children
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when you come home the first thing
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you're going to do is you're going to
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find your partner first because she's
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the priority
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if it's you're the woman just reverse
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the scenario when you see them arms open
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wide big smile hug them squeeze them
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take a moment to be with them and
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connect now one of the cool things
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you'll see is if you have young children
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what they're going to do is they're
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going to run and they're going to try
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and get in between you because
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they
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they are quite sensitive to the
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emotional feel between the two of you
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and when you guys are being delicious
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and yummy together that feels really
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good for them at a physical level
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and so that's an indicator when when
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you're doing it really well
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one of the other cool things you'll see
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sometimes is animals will do it as well
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when you're really connected
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particularly herd animals like dogs and
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horses will tend to follow you and want
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to be close to you
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so um and so just doing that is really
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important because what it will do is it
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will set the tone um for the year for
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the evening gottman's research basically
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found that how a husband responded to a
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wife when she when he came home at the
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end of the day was um the best
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predictive of a
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about whether there would be a fight
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later in the evening so if you want to
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avoid those fights make sure you do the
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greeting well when you come home so the
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fifth attachment window uh is a is one
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that i added in and this is about
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sharing food
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so for the baby brain and the child
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brain food is life food is love food is
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contact the baby at the breast is not
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just receiving nutrients they're
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receiving emotional connection
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their bodies getting physically stronger
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it's a super important
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opportunity so when you are eating
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together put the phones away
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look each other in the eye touch laugh
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don't resolve family disputes and
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difficulties over food to keep it
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separate from that create your food and
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your meal times even if there's just one
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a day that you guys spend together make
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it a special time an opportunity of
15:53
connection that you guys look forward to
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it's good for you guys it's good for
15:57
your children and it will make you live
15:59
a lot longer
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so our exercise for today you're going
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to have a great deal of fun with and
16:04
what we're going to do is we're going to
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take your normal hug and we are going to
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teach you some a couple of really cool
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variants that use a variety of kind of
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brain brain hacking
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strategies to make them a lot more
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powerful a lot more juicy
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a couple of them may feel a little bit
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strange at the start but once you've
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done it a few times um my bet is that
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you're really going to love them and
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they're going to be a very powerful way
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for you to help
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build and create that reassurance and
16:32
connection with your partner and and to
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create that safety that sits underneath
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and creates the the basis for a secure
16:41
connection in your relationship
16:53
you