Appreciation Dialogues

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okay so we're going to start an
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appreciation dialogue so luke i'm going
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to invite you to start and you're going
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to start with an invitation and the
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invitation is manu i'd like to have an
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appreciation dialogue is now a good time
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manu would like to have an appreciation
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dialogue is now a good time
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so one thing i appreciate about you is
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so one thing i appreciate about you is
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that this morning when i told you that
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it was time to go
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that
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we just left together in that moment
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and and what i liked about this and so
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luke's going to be talking about the
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payoff or the benefit for him he's not
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not going to be talking about manu what
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i liked about this is that it made me
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calm and
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grounded and ready to go at the door
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and and now he's going to talk about
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manu and he's going to be talking about
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the characteristics or the traits that
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that demonstrates amano so what what
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that tells me about you is
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what that tells me about you is that
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you're thoughtful and attentive to my
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needs
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and
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and then he finishes and when i think
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about that and he's just going to use
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feeling feeling our words so when i
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think about that i feel when i think
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about that it makes me feel really happy
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and lucky
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and and then it's going to signal that
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it's finished by saying so thank you so
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thank you for listening
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and manu is going to respond so thank
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you for sharing thank you
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then we're going to switch sides and
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manu i can respond so she's going to say
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i'd like to respond i would like to
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respond and then um manu is going to say
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so one thing i appreciate about you is
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so one thing i appreciate about you is
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that this morning
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you asked me to go in really calm your
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way
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and what i liked about that is
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and what i like about that is that
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i could make on my time and
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relax
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and and so then she's going to talk
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about and what that tells me about you
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is
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what that tells me about you is that you
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really care about my needs
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and so when i think about that i feel
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when i think about that i feel really
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lucky
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and signaling and that she's finished so
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thank you
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thank you for listening
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thank you for sharing
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okay so this exercise is nice simple uh
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it can be done anywhere anytime
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you don't have to do all of those steps
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in order to make it successful
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but each step builds and layers on
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on each other so the first step by doing
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an invitation i'd like to do an
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appreciation dialogue let your partner
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know what's coming so an appreciation
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dialogue should be fairly quick like
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this it should be fairly safe because we
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know we're not going to bring negatives
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into the conversation and so it can be
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something that you can use to interrupt
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a difficult situation or potentially a
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conflict situation um by just signaling
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hang the seat i'm going to do something
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nice here
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taking that moment to breathe and gaze
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at each other helps build the connection
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with each other and create a sense of
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love and safety and it also engages the
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emotional brain and signal to the safety
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system and the baby brain that you're
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with your familiar person nice things
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are going to happen it's a good time to
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calm down
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and
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so then you start off by by painting a
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picture and so luca mano both did a very
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clear uh picture when you when it was
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happening we had the location it was
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happening and so it wasn't like oh i
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appreciate how you always give me lots
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of warning when we're going up because
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that's too many examples and the brain
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can't picture that
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so instead they gave a very specific
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tangible example i appreciate this thing
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you did this morning because it was
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really helpful for me in that moment and
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because it's specific it engages the
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child brain and we can picture it and we
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can see it and it's actually more
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emotionally engaging
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the next stage is where they say
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where they talk about what they like
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about it and in my experience i've found
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that some people often almost like want
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to skip that you know they want to talk
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about oh you know and that just tells me
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that you're like this and this and this
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and this but what happens when we do
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that is sometimes it'll get blocked by
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the other person so what we want to do
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is we want to talk about how this other
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person how our partner made us feel how
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they impacted us how they were winning
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in our world because typically that's
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the thing that engages them
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and so uh and so that's that's the thing
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so what i like about it i like it
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because it helps me feel calm i like it
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because it's really important for me to
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be on time
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you're signaling about your values
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what's important to you and um and over
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time what will happen if you do this
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regularly is you're going to be teaching
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your partner how to be successful with
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you
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and then the third thing is when they go
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to so what that tells me about you and
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so the tendency we have when we're upset
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with our partner is that we will
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basically talk to them and give them a
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whole bunch of uh information in a
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fairly global way so we're upset because
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our partner's late oh you're so
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inconsiderate you're so this year so
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that and so we have these really
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powerful global negative messages in the
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appreciation dialogue we take
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take those same messages and we make
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them globally positive so instead of
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saying oh you happen to be a little bit
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considerate on this one occasion in the
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morning we're saying so what that tells
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me about you is that you're thoughtful
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that you think about my needs that
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you're caring that you're loving um and
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so the appreciation becomes more
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powerful and it makes more sense because
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of the specific picture we already
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painted in the first step
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and so then we can basically say um
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because we're thinking that our partner
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is considerate and loving and thoughtful
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then the feelings we are having at the
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end so um when i think about that i feel
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becomes much more powerful because when
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someone speaks nicely to us you know we
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might feel happy but if we think that
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we're with a partner who loves us who's
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considerate who thinks about our needs
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then we're going to feel lucky we're
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going to feel loved we're going to feel
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secure the feelings become much more
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powerful