Stop Chasing Purpose and Focus on Wellness

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[Music]
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tedx Memphis it is an honor to be here
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and also pretty timely if you ask me see
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I'm fresh on the other side of my
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quarter life crisis now to be clear the
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crisis is still here I just turned 26 so
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your girl aged out I'm on the other side
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of that quarter life side and if you're
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not familiar a quarter life crisis is
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basically like a midlife crisis just 25
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years early so you're still asking the
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same questions of Who am I am I using my
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time well what are the things that I
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really want to do in terms of family
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career health drinking water saying
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hydrated all of those important things
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that we have to pay attention to and for
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Millennials this is actually a pretty
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big phenomenon according to the Center
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for Disease Control
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one in three Millennials have a
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diagnosed anxiety disorder and anxiety
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is one of the key elements of any kind
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of crisis it's proven math I promise and
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for us it's not just about figuring
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those things out but we're doing so in a
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world that really human history has
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never seen before we have things such as
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the internet which is endless
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information we are living in some of the
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most innovative and prosperous times
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according to the United Nations the
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World Bank the IMF and also are still
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seeing persistent inequalities that seem
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like they haven't really moved much in
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centuries according to every credible
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climate scientist if we don't change
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what we're doing by 2050 we will have
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ear ibly damaged our world
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so there's a lot sake in there right and
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when you're looking for purpose which
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usually comes in the question of what do
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you want to do with your life that's a
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big challenge and I have a theory that
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for Millennials and for all people we're
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probably a little scared so in the
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spirit of new friendships it's time to
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overshare we're going to dive into my
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quarter life crisis to work through how
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I believe that following purpose has
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kind of kept us stuck and really we
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should be focusing on wellness and I
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believe that that will give us the
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answers we've been searching for
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so I've had the fortune of basically
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knowing my deepest fear since I was
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really little some people call that
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precocious other people call that an
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undiagnosed anxiety disorder tomato
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tomahto the first time I really
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recognized what was going on cuz I
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always felt like something was there it
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was when I was in Trinidad with my
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family visiting my other family my mom's
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from Trinidad Tobago and I adored my
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grandmother she's incredibly creative so
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when she was gonna have to do art
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projects like I'm there you know so
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we're walking one morning to her kiln to
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get her new ceramics and I'm holding her
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hand and ice notice for the first time
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that her fingers were really wrinkly and
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the verdant green veins in her hand were
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popping out more than I was used to and
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her fingers were also a little thin and
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it hits me that you know she's older and
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she's not gonna be here forever and I'm
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like her so I'll be older and I won't be
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here forever so little eight-year-old me
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is like walking into an existential
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crisis and I have to let that go pretty
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quickly because my hand had been like a
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limp fish and her so she's like Chloe
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you don't love me anymore thinking I
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don't want to hold her hand
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so I squeeze it really tight to prove to
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her that I love her and I get out of my
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extension crisis and I'm like nope I'm
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here
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and that moment really shaped how I went
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through life going forward I told myself
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okay I know I'm scared to not be here so
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I'll love on my loved ones really hard
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I'll figure out how to be a very good
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person in the world and I'll follow my
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purpose and dive deep into it so I'm
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doing this I'm on it I'm deep in school
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and I get to college I'm ready
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so I join all these kinds of clubs I
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don't just join them but I volunteer
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myself to be a leader in them I'm an RA
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so I'm taking care of 30 women every
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year which one of the best things I had
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ever done and I'm in school I'm a
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student I'm doing all these things I'm
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like great but something was feeling off
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like I didn't really feel like myself
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and so I thought oh well maybe I'm just
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busy that's the price of purpose right
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like you're just really basically
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stressed as cool when you go to a
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liberal arts school so I'm like okay
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yeah I'm doing the thing this is great
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and I'm but at the same time I recognize
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you know I probably need a rest or what
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they call a vacation at some point
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and that moment seemed to come for me in
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the summer of 2015 so I had a mentor in
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school who names Julia Hannah brain and
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she was shepherding a grant with the
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National Institutes of Health and so we
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partnered together to bring that to
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Trinidad and Tobago and work with the
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University of West Indies serving a
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project that served people with
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disability so I'm like cool I'm still in
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purpose but I get to go back to Trinidad
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which was the first time I'd been back
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since my grandmother had passed and I
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would get that kind of rest and I was so
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ready to be back on the island to see my
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family there and so I get there and
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going through the work trying to make
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friends with my fellow researchers and
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doing all these things and whatever was
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going on with me was still there and
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like man I thought you know the ocean
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air the island breeze would just like
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melt us away it was like maybe I
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shouldn't be here longer so about
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halfway through we get invited to a
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harvest festival at a friend's Catholic
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Church and I'm not Catholic but my
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grandmother was I'm thinking about her a
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lot on the drive over and you know I'm
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thinking about her and then all of a
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sudden accursed me
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oh I don't know how to do the thing
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right and so I'm just like okay and so I
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like I did line and I'm like watching
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everybody else do the thing and when I
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get up to the priest I just freaked out
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so whatever I did was not it and I was
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like okay so he's just gonna throw more
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holy water on me to cleanse this and
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like we'll just move on but it really
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had me thinking through all of the
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rituals my grandmother did to be such a
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devout Catholic and to be so wonderfully
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steeped in her purpose and give good to
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the world so to be honest with you I
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have no idea what that sermon was about
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I was just sitting there thinking of my
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grandmother and thinking about purpose
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and I kind of feeling I was feeling was
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bubbling up right and I'm just unusually
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distracted looking at any and everything
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except the message so when everybody
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breaks for lunch to celebrate with the
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feast I kind of sneak away a bit because
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I needed just some space to figure out
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what was going on and get my head right
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so that could be all smiley with people
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right like that's the thing so I go out
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and I look over at the edge of the
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mountain and I'm looking down to the
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south of the island trying to see if
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maybe I could see princess town I had no
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idea I was actually gonna know if I'd
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seen it or not it's just way down there
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but looking at that large expanse and
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also being the mind state I was in
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something felt different and all of a
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sudden I felt like a freight train hit
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me in the chest carrying emotions that I
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didn't know before I felt like the whole
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world was trembling like I was being
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pulled apart I'm having a panic attack
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I never had one before so this was crazy
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it felt like an earthquake in my body so
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I'm looking around to see if everything
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else is also shaking and it's not so I'm
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just like freaking out I hate how I'm
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feeling and I can't stop it so I go back
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into the church right cuz I also don't
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want people to see me like and I just
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get on my knees and I start praying and
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I'm crying and I don't know really what
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I'm saying I'm just like this feels
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really intense and to be honest I just
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want some help please make it stop that
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moment was very serious for me to slow
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it down so when I got back to the states
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I decide okay I'm gonna check out
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therapy and I was an RA so I always told
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my residents you know if you're feeling
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off you should go see a counselor right
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cause it's so easy to tell somebody else
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to go see a counselor so I get there but
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or I'm like prepping for it you know and
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I'm someone who needs time to process so
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I was like okay well this therapist is
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really not gonna tell me anything I
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don't know about myself and so I'm gonna
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write down and I brought it for you
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because this is me being wild I wrote
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down everything I had gone through in my
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life and thought to myself okay i'ma
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read her my checklist and she's just
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gonna tell me the things that I already
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know which is I need to sleep more drink
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water take care of myself
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rest and I thought okay cool I'll get
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the therapist to tell me this so my
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friends say hey let's go out I could be
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like oh sorry meri I gotta sleep you
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know therapy is crazy so that's what I
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that's that's what I'm on okay so I walk
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in there got my little list and she's
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you know smiles at me that kind of
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building trust smile like I've peaked
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game you know and she's like so how are
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you and I'm like I'm great she's like
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okay so what brings you in today I pull
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out my little list I'm like sitting
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there I'm like yeah Susan hear all the
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things I go down the list and then I
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look at her and her trusting inviting
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smile had turned into like
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so how are you and I don't know what
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voodoo magic she pulled on me but I
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start ball I mean it is like Niagara
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Falls is falling from my face I am just
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like torn apart and the truth is that
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was the first time I had been honest out
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loud about what was going on so what I
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didn't share with you and it's because I
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had also not been sharing with myself
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was that I was heartbroken the person my
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high school sweetheart I had been with
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for five years who I thought I was gonna
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marry I broke up with him not too long
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before because we didn't really know it
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out ourselves outside of our
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relationship and he hadn't been there
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for me when I had a tumor in my breast
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for nine months not knowing if I had
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cancer or not after the stock market had
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crashed in 2008 there was financial
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strain on my family and dealing with
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that as a younger kid that's a lot of
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the world to try to figure out I was
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also feeling anxious I had depression
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and I didn't know it there are also tons
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of things on this list but we're not
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that close yet so you don't get to know
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them but the gist of it is is that I was
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really not being honest with myself and
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pursuing all of these things outside of
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myself thinking that if I pursued them
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hard enough I could push my anxiety down
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and all of this fear I had all the
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challenges I had and they just take
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their bags and go packing right like get
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out the pain you know that's not how
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anxiety works that's not how life works
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and that's certainly not how death works
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which is what I was scared of so the
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next five years what I really had to do
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was get back to the very basics I had to
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learn how to be healthy and what that
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looks like for me is I had to figure out
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what does health look like for me
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physically mentally emotionally
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spiritually and socially and make those
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things my number one priority which is
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code for I had to make me my priority
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that's a wild thing to do when you were
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so used to dreaming everything external
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to serving to loving to try to push
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everything around the world to be
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peaceful but when you're avoiding
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yourself that's not possible so I
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developed a wellness routine and for me
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that looked like all those things I
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thought my therapist was going to
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just sleep drink water exercise take
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time for yourself go to therapy it's
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important it will save your life
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and honestly it that was the basics for
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me and then on top of that I had to
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figure out okay what are the things that
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I need to nourish myself and one of
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those things is flowers my parents
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probably knew this when I was little
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they named me Chloe
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which means blossoming which i think is
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kind of cool but those are the kinds of
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things that you really get to know about
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yourself when you take a pause and look
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inward so on top of getting to the
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basics getting to know myself I started
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having moments where I felt peaceful
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inside no matter what was going on and
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this brings us to 2019 the best
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and honestly hardest year of my life
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thus far so it's the best in the sense
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that the program I've been working on
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for the past three years got funded
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which was great and I now run that
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program I got named to a few
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professional lists including the Forbes
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30 under 30 Wow didn't see that coming I
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also fell in love even Wilder excitedly
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didn't see that coming with an amazing
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partner and we got to travel all over
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the US and Europe and honestly it's the
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healthiest relationship I've ever been
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in on the other hand it's also been the
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hardest of my life I had debilitating
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anxiety that really I would be in the
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bed for so long and felt like I couldn't
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move I'd lost loved ones and to gun
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violence I did not expect I had all of
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these still questions around how do we
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make change in the world how do we go
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through and make meaning out of our
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lives when there's so much pulling at us
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how do you rest and what I would say
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that I'm most proud of through all of it
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is that through every moment I was
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present I was healthy I was myself and I
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can confidently say that I thrived
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throughout all of what was challenging
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and wonderful at the same time that is
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called wellness it's being able to
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manage the internal in the external in a
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way that creates a harmony for yourself
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to where you know you are still grounded
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in who you are you're at peace with all
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of what is in you and around
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you and figuring out okay what are my
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next best steps so let's go back out and
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look at the world for just another
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second aside from all the apocalyptic
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facts I've told you about in the
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beginning there are also a lot of great
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things going on we have people who are
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promoting causes who are protesting in
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the streets saying we know we deserve
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more look at Hong Kong look at what's
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happening in India look at honestly
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what's happening in the US every day
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we're trying to figure it out and really
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the reason I think we haven't figured
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out just how to do this together is
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because we've all been so wrapped up and
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what is our purpose purpose has two
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options you can set a goal you can meet
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that goal but then you're a board and
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you have to figure out new goals it's
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like this endless cycle right of chasing
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external things or you could set a goal
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for yourself that is so far out that
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it's actually unattainable and peace and
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fulfillments always just beyond your
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reach
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so you consume and you grasp and you
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take in so much all the time looking for
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how do I make this better and the truth
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is I don't think it's through purpose I
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think really what we're looking for when
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you see protests me see people fighting
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causes are going to work you're looking
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for fulfilment we're looking for peace
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inside and we're looking for how do we
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act well and be well with one another
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and you cannot give or make what you
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don't have so how do we make world peace
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when we don't know how to have peace for
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ourselves so if you want to save the
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world if you want to live in an
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environment that is thriving and where
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prosperity looks the same for all of us
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not just the few who have the most
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privilege you start with you you start
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with figuring out what does health look
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like for me physically mentally socially
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emotionally spiritually and work really
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hard on being good at you because just
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like hurt people hurt people not
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peaceful people wreak havoc right so my
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challenge to you today is to really take
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serious as commitment to cultivating
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wellness for yourself because once you
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are filled yourself with that kind of
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piece it has no choice but to flow out
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into all the spaces around you and I can
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guarantee you
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you will enjoy your life so much more
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which is truly the reason we're here so
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thank you so much for coming to my
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[Applause]