Staying Connected: Cultivating Emotional Connection During Change (Stress Less Strategise More Series)

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to our last session in the in the five uh session sequence of strategize more
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stress less kind uh lunchtime webinars kind of uh I'm Steve Kernney I'm the
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chief mental health officer and a clinical psychologist by training and background and um and so today we're
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going to talk uh as we have on the previous sessions for about 45 minutes around in this case we're going to focus
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on social connection and the importance of social connection um and so welcome
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Uh can we just do a comms check just to see um how how people are able to engage So
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I'll get you to if you wouldn't mind just hitting the emoji button on your team's on your team's application and
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hitting whichever emoji kind of captures where you're at at the moment just so that um so it might be a good thumbs up
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might be a surprised face whatever works for you It's Friday so maybe it's hand clapping uh in celebration of the Friday
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Um but just going to do a quick comms check there to see Good Sweet ass Okay
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So um I'm going to share my slides and that'll help me remember what I'm
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supposed to be talking about Um so yeah So today we're focusing on
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connection and we'll start off with um explaining why that's important in a minute Um and uh but before we do um
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just some kind of ground rules If you've got any questions you can use the Q&A
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function and Frank Harken uh my beautiful assistant today will kind of go through those and bring anything to
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my attention that um that might need it might need answering I would welcome any questions My experience is that if you
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have a question other people have the same question as well So often it you can be kind of helping other people out
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as as well Um so frankly be keeping an eye on those and and uh and bring them to my attention if they need if if it's
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a good idea uh the I've already the slides from
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today will be in the in the Q&A section a link to those um and so you can have
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access to those I've prepped those already um so if you want any but if you want any more info then um then you can
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I'll I'll tell you where to get that at the end of the session the bottom line up front for today um is best captured by this faki
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fakup E fati which is cluster the branches of the manuka so that they will
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not break and why that's appropriate and uh and for this session will become
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evident as we go through through the through the time So here's what we're going to talk
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about today We're going to talk about why connection is important And um kind
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of spoiler alert uh we often underestimate how important it is for
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our mental health and our physical health to connect with the people around us So um one of the key messages from
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today is is not to underestimate how much value you can get from that We're
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also going to talk about some of the things that get in the way of connection So we'll talk about some of the thoughts
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and some of the situations that can stop us from connecting with the people that we might that it might be useful for us
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to do So with um we're going to talk at some practical things you can do to build connections even when you're
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stressed because often times when we're stressed when we're overwhelmed we
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forget to do all the things that keep us well and hanging out with and connecting with the people around us is often one
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of those things we depprioritize when we're under pressure and stress Much of what I say today or
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talk to today is covered by this kind of model of of of psychology called acceptance and commitment therapy And if
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you and if you Google any of the keywords that I use today you should be able to get more detail But as I said at
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the end I'll point you in the direction of a couple of good books Uh so first kind of point is that the
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people around us really matter Uh there's a whole plethora of
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research linking personal connection and work and at home with a whole bunch of
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positive outcomes So for those of us in uniform uh it's important to realize that cohesive and connected units have
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better combat outcomes on the battlefield There is a very strong link between
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connection and mental health outcomes Whether it's anxiety depression trauma whatever the distress is people do
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better if they are connected to others And often times the place we start when it comes to treating almost any health
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condition mental health condition is talking about who else in your life can help you and be part of your support for
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as you go through recovery We also know that it predicts you know connection predicts willingness to seek
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help and also just general willingness to talk to one's peers So the more connected you feel the more willing you
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are to kind of open up with and connect and lean on others for support And then
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finally there's a really strong connection between just how happy someone is and how connected they are to
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the people around them right so the more isolated someone is just the lower the level of satisfaction is often with
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their lives right so there's a whole bunch of reasons to really deliberately
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and intentionally invest in connecting with the people around
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us So the question then arises why is that you know um there's and and how
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what is the relationship between connection and our physical health our mental health our ability to do our job
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what what is the link between how does that relationship actually happen and um to understand that or
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explain that a little bit we're going to talk to a model by a guy called uh professor Paul Gilbert he's a a UK
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specialist particularly on um when we get stuck in a mood a low mood that is
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hard to change right but um the model we're going to draw on is what he calls the tri brain model and so The idea with
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this model or this kind of way of understanding your brain is that your brain essentially has three emotion
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systems and every mammal has a version of these three systems built into the
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hardware of their brain Um the first system is your threat
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system So that sits right at the bottom of your at the bottom of your brain right at the top of your spine That's
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evolutionarily the oldest part of your brain Uh and that is where uh
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um or that's where your threat detection and protection systems are So the kind
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of core survival systems sit there The emotions that are built into
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that system are anxiety fear anger sits in there all those emotions that are
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kind of fundamentally there to keep us safe and the core uh hormone or
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neurotransmitter that's in part of that system Well there's adrenaline and then there's also cortisol Now cortisol is
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useful to understand because most of us know about the role of adrenaline in our our fight or flight response Most of us
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notice when that is kicked off However cortisol is a more insidious
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neurotransmitter a more more insidious hormone because whilst we burn off
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um um adrenaline pretty quickly um whilst
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we burn off adrenaline pretty quickly uh cortisol stays in our bloodstream So if we're under sustained stress or
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sustained pressure over time then um the level of cortisol in our bloodstream
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goes up and up over time Um so if you and that means that
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often if you notice you're having trouble sleeping old injuries don't clear up all of those kinds of things
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are often a side effect of having elevated levels of cortisol in your bloodstream So that's our threat system
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right it's designed to keep us safe promotes action impairs kind of complex thinking because it relies on our oldest
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part of our brain The drive system is the next kind of layer in our in our
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brain and it it is responsible for all those emotions and behaviors that move
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us towards the things that will help us thrive and survive So so whereas a
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threat detection system often takes us away from stuff the drive system is what pulls us towards stuffs and pushes us
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towards stuff So um emotions like motivation like uh curiosity like awe
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like kind of achievement satisfaction excitement all of those emotions sit within that drive system
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And the core neurotransmitter there is dopamine So you get a every every time you get a release of dopamine in your
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brain it makes you want to do whatever just whatever you just did again So it
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prompts kind of repeated behavior So for instance if you if you cross something off your list who who does lists does
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everyone do lists i do lists Um if you cross something off your list you'll get a little squirt of dopamine in your
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brain and that makes it just a bit easier to cross the next thing off your list Right similarly if
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um uh you're having fun with your friends you get some dopamine If someone
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gives you positive feedback on something you get some dopamine So it makes us
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want to do that stuff again right those are the emotions and that's the kind of pattern and behavior that the drive
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system reinforces And the last system is our recovery system And the other two
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systems are designed to speed our body up are designed to activate energy are
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designed to get us moving and doing things However our body and our brain
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are not built to be running at 100% all the time They need time to slow down to
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pause to reorganize to to um recuperate
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And so the recovery system is designed to balance those other two systems out
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So core kind of emotions that are part of that are like contentment calmness
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uh kind of contemplative reflection that kind of place Yeah all those kind of even um my friend
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who's Norwegian tells me that in Norwegian they have a word hug which is
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like that sense of coziness that you get when you're on the couch and on a in
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front of the fire on a cold winter's night with your family and your maybe your dog or
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whatever Now the core neurotransmitter here is oxytocin So um just uh with the emojis
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who's heard of oxytocin before just give us an emoji if you've heard of oxytocin
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Yeah Yeah Sweet So many of us have heard of oxytocin often in the context of
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having children So oxytocin is the hormone that is released when moms are
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breastfeeding their babies Oxytocin's other names are the love drug or the hug
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hormone It's the hormone that is released when we have a moment of
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connection with another human being Uh and so every time we feel that
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sense of uh being close to and belonging
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with someone else we get a little squirt of oxytocin Actually also whenever we have fun and have a laugh with someone
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else we get a we get a squirt of oxytocin And oxytocin when that gets released one
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of the things it does it relaxes all our muscles It relaxes our body It turns off that that energizing response that comes
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with the drive and the threat system And the reason the kind of this social
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hormone is helps us calm down is that human beings we don't have teeth we
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don't have fur we don't have armor What we have is the ability to work with
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other people to have other people cover our back and to cooperate with others So
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we evolve that was the secret to our success as we evolved That that's that ability to work with others and to
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collaborate with others is the reason that we have survived and thrived in the way that we have as a species So our
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brain is built to relax as soon as we feel connected to other people That as
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soon as that moment of sense of belonging kicks in our body starts to starts to chill out Um and
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uh does that make sense to people is that kind of Yeah sweet as So so that's
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the kind of the role of this recovery system and it's most commonly triggered by a sense of connection to other
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people Now traps that I've seen people fall into is that uh they're so busy
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living in the drive and threat system that they forget to engage their
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recovery system regularly And all three of these systems are like muscles Your
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brain in fact most of your brain is like a muscle The more you use it the stronger that part of your brain gets
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the easier it is to activate that part of your brain and the more influence it
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has over your thinking and perceptions So if you spend all your
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time in the drive system then it gets harder and harder to activate your
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recovery system And it can start you've sometimes I've seen people who have spent who have un undercooked their
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recovery system so much that it's they've almost got to kind of rebuild it from scratch to figure out to kind of
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bootstrap their ability to recover and that and connect with others The other
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trap that I've seen people fall into is that they start off in their drive system They commit to a bunch of things
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in their drive system because they're genuinely motivated and passionate and enthusiastic about those
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things but over time that transitions to more a fear of
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failure And so whilst drive is about positive emotions threat system and fear
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of or fear of failure triggers the threat system So they start to operate
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more in their threat system than their drive system So and when we're in that
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threat system it gets harder to think clearly It gets harder to solve complex problems Gets harder to engage socially
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skillfully with the people around us All of that kind of stuff because your threat system is not the most advanced
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part of your brain So key messages from this are one regular kind of connect
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regular engaging with connection um regular kind of snacking and doing
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little exercises in your recovery system is really important to keep that system live and activated uh and then noticing
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which system you're spending a lot of time in So here's what I'd like you to do I'd like you to on a bit of paper in
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front of you just draw three circles one for each of these systems And what I
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want you to do is think about draw each circle for how much of kind of proportion of your life you've spent in
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that system over the last two weeks So if you've spent a bunch of time on holiday with your kids over the last two
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weeks chilling out with your friends relaxing by the pool you might have a really big recovery circle to be honest
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with me with my kids a lot of time probably it would be a bit threat a bit recovery if I'm honest um depending on
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what kind of mood they're in uh how much time have you spending your drive circle you know chasing after stuff that's
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important to you and then how much time have you spent in your threat circle you
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know some dealing with things that are are make you anxious or concerned and
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then maybe in each of those three circles put some headlines like one or two kind of notes around What what are
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the headlines from that from that have kept you or that that account for what
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you've been doing in that circle does that make sense i'll just give you a few moments just to kind of
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reflect on that a little
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bit My experience when I do this exercise with people is that often their recovery circle is a lot smaller than
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their other two circles But it might be different for you It's all
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good Cool All right So if that's true for you
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if you feel like your recovery circle is smaller uh that is very common And later
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on or shortly we'll talk about some things you might do to
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uh reinvigorate that or to expand that recovery system and to activate that recovery system just a little bit more
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just you know if your recovery circle is really small and you and you and you are
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experiencing some of that kind of loneliness which you can feel even when you're in a team environment even when
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you're in a strong family we can still feel lonely if we kind of close ourselves off But there are some very
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real physiological kind of consequences that I've already alluded to But just to kind of link loneliness in particular to
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health outcomes physical health outcomes um and indeed kind of early early demise
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So loneliness is a is a problem is actually uh is a problem in our community in the western world there's
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uh numbers of people reporting a sense of loneliness is going up and um at the
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moment and has been going up for about the last 30 years and it appears also it's going up particularly quickly in
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young people at the moment and that's important because
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loneliness is to keep connection as hunger is to nourishment as I alluded to
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before our brains and bodies are built to connect and belong if we don't feel
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like we connect and belong with other people That is super stressful We will find it harder to
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sleep We will find uh our mood will go down We will find uh it puts a higher
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level of chronic stress into our body and our system So so if you feel lonely
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um uh a whole bunch you know that's because you your body and your brain is
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built to to find connection And so the question then
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arises what stops us from connecting with other people so what I'd like to do now those of you that can access the Q&A
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I'd like you to maybe put in some ideas about what stops stops us from connecting with others either external
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barriers so things about our life and our situation that might stop us So it
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might be I'm just too busy with the kids and work I I literally don't have time in my life It might be that you're kind
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of physically removed from the people So on operations for instance often we're in uniform We're physically removed from
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the people we might connect with Um and then I want you to also maybe put in the chat in the Q&A some of
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the internal barriers So what are the things that we tell ourself that stop us
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from um from connecting with the people around us right what are some of the the
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reasons our mind gives us for for not
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connecting with the people or opening up to the people around us who might provide us with a sense of
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support Let's see Just give you guys some time to put some stuff in the chat
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What are some of the things that get in the way yeah Self self-esteem fear of
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rejection fear of being uh of of not being of our reaching out not being
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received well Very common particularly to be honest uh in men in the western
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world men in the western world often really struggle to reach out and will typically um almost outsource sort of
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social connection to their partners but by no means only men However there are
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some rules in some in our head sometimes that stop us from from reaching out
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because we we don't want to feel like we're weak You don't want to feel a sense of shame or embarrassment about
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having to lean on others or wanting to lean on others Um we have some unhelpful
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messages in our society and community about uh what it
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means to be to to kind of be vulnerable with others to be open about all of our
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uh all of who we are to share all of who we are with other people sometimes opens up we worry it'll open us up for for
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judgment or um or rejection Yeah So all good examples
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right and there's some more there in the in the chat Great examples Yeah So
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um that makes sense right that's very human and normal Um so what we're going to do now though is talk about some
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things that you can do some practical tools you can use to sort of reach out a
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little bit and to uh help understand and deepen your connections with the people around you So the first thing you can
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actually do to build connections with the people around you is to catch them getting stuff right So just um let me
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see what's the best way to do this Uh how many positive interactions does it
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take to offset one negative interaction if you think it's uh between one and
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three maybe put the thumbs up emoji If you think it's between three and five
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put the clapping emoji If you think it's more than five maybe the surprised emoji
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Let's have a go at that All right cool
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Okay So we've got some people there with some some high expectations sweet ass So
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so human beings because connection is so important to us at a kind of
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physiological level we are built to feel negative emotions more than positive
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ones We're more sensitive to them We feel them more And so to be happy in my
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relationships with teammates at work the evidence suggests I need a ratio of 3:1
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So three positive interactions to every negative interaction However if I'm
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dependent on someone else so that is they are my boss my partner or my parent
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that re that ratio goes to a 5:1 right goes to a 5:1 which is um u I'm just
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trying to figure out why my thing is done Um there's a 5 to one So the
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um uh yeah so if you are if you're someone's peer partner or boss you need
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to be even more assiduous and even more diligent about making sure that your
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interactions are positive with with those people and you're doing it small and often because often when we're busy
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when we're stressed when we're overwhelmed as a boss a parent or a partner we forget to say thanks We
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forget to connect with people we forget to do all those little things that we wouldn't normally do if we weren't so
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stressed So uh you can build some credit by acknowledging in little ways when you
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notice stuff that you're grateful for saying that out loud If you want to amplify here's a little here's a tip for
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getting kind of maximizing the the positive uh elements of your interactions with other people If
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someone if you notice someone doing something that you appreciate or that you're thankful for it's really helpful
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to say that out loud and that's good You can amplify that by connecting it to an
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attribute of theirs or a characteristic of theirs that their personality or who they are that you really appreciate So
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for instance I might say to my wife "Thanks so much for uh cooking uh pizza
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for dinner last That's my favorite I know you know how much I love that So thank you for doing that." And that's great You know that's a cool way to get
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some credit in the bank If I want to really amplify the effect of that I I
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connect that to an attribute of hers that I appreciate So my Hey thanks so much Ry for cooking pizza last night
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That was awesome I know you know how much I love that just reminds me how thoughtful you are Just reminds me how
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you're always doing little things for everyone in the family Just reminds me uh how you always put in just a little
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bit more effort than than you need to Whenever we do that whenever we connect a behavior to the attribute of someone
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that we appreciate it amplifies that that positive feeling for that person And it
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also helps me because I remember that I quite I like that person in my life and
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there I I get a squirt of oxytocin because I feel more connected and more
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appreciative of that of that person So try it tonight when you go home See how it lands See see how it goes See if
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there's like a little awkward kind of uh bashfulness that pops up That's my experience when when I do that with
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people Cool So tip number one is be positive Reinforce acknowledging and
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thanks and gratitude for others Do it out loud Say it out loud Cost you nothing And then it uh it it eases it
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makes all interactions just a bit easier with other people The next thing we'll talk about
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is active and constructive responding So uh all interactions with
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other people can be sorted on these two dimensions The first dimension is
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whether it is constructive or destructive So constructive
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interactions are positive and and uh and and uh have a good kind of a positive
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emotional tone They're enjoyable interactions Destructive interactions
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are ones where there's a negative tone So you you're diminishing or
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invalidating or whatever Then on the on the other dimension all of our
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interactions with other people can either be active or passive So an active
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interaction is when you build on what someone said to you or you build on an interaction to keep it going to get them
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to elaborate on the on the topic You know you sort of deepen and expand the
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conversation Passive interactions tend to close conversations off So they tend
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to be brief They tend they might be Yeah They tend to be brief or they tend to be
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uh closed Yeah And so if you put these two kind of
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um dimensions into a quadrant like we've got in front of us then we can start to
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sort our interactions into these kind of four groups So active constructive interactions tend to be engaging
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positive curious they tend to open up and kind of seek to the person someone
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you know both parties feel better understood Active destructive conversations tend to be critical or
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diminishing or um discouraging but there's they tend to be longer right
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they tend to be more more depth to them more engagement in them Active sorry
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passive constructive interactions tend to be brief So they might be positive but they might be brief So you know yes
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or no or that's nice kind of response And then passive destructured
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destructive conversations tend to be kind of eye rolls and um or whatevers or
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or not even responding to to someone's kind of attempt to engage with you Is that all making
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sense see how we go Let's do a let's do a pop quiz So if we go um you imagine
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you're talking to a colleague and they tell you they got chosen to go to Australia next week and you go okay that
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oh yeah that's good Um well I've got to go The shops are about to close I'll see you later
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What are we thinking there active Any ideas which one of our four kind of classes that sits
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in cool Okay So active uh active pass sorry passive uh dra destructive I'd
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call that one Yep Uh we've got Okay let's look at our next
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one I go into Australia How did you find out what my boss just told me what are you most excited about okay so that's a
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good example of an active constructive response right you're interested and
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you're getting them to expand on it right i got to really what i've been
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working harder than you I should have got one of those months ago What's up with that so that would be an active
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destructive an active destructive response And then finally uh I got
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chosen to go to Oz next week Excuse me Can you please help me give me the thing on the printer so that would be a
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passive destructive right you're not picking up what they're putting down So here's the thing about each of these
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response styles Uh the thing the the pattern that
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is actually most corrosive over time is the passive constructive style So if
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we're in a relationship with our kids or our teammates or at home with our partner and we fall into a typical our
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typical way of interacting is when it is passive constructive right so it's just
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all our interactions are little one-word responses That's nice Oh I'm I'm glad
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But we don't we don't pick up or show interest or carry on In fact the evidence is that if our patterns are if
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our communication patterns are like that then that is more corrosive over time
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than active destructive So it's almost better to be engaged but a bit
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unpleasant than it is to be disengaged over time Now that's important because
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when we're tired when we're stressed when we're overwhelmed it gets really
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easy to fall into an act sorry a passive constructive style Now no one can say
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stay constructive and active all the time I'm a therapist It's my job to do
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that And even I struggle to do that in the work and at home with my faro So my
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advice or recommendation is to pick who and when you want to be deliberately
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active and constructive So this is it might be like for the first 15 minutes
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after you get home from work you're going to make sure you are that active and constructive when you engage with
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your family at home Might be in the first 15 minutes at work when you show
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up at the office with your team It might be you make a deliberate effort to be active and constructive and engaging Uh
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so and or and picking other times might be at lunch might be in one-on- ones at work at home it might be at the dinner
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table you know being deliberately present and engaging and and curious at the dinner table But no one can be this
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all the time but being intentional and planning for when you when you are active and constructive um can then pay
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off in terms of deepening your relationships with the people around you Now sometimes it can be hard when you're
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in the rut of life to have interesting things to talk about I know when my wife
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and I first had our kids and then we went on our first couple of date nights after like year two or three I think it
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was Um and all we really did was spent the whole time doing kind of admin and
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logistics for the family So when we noticed that we we decided that we would ban kind of conversation of admin and
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logistics and focus more on other on more on connecting with one another and where we were at in our lives So if you
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are looking for if you notice that pattern in yourself then and in your in your
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relationships when you've got a busy life it's easy to get very admin and logistics oriented there are some things
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you can do just to build up kind of slightly deeper connections So um um the
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questions here are from uh a researcher a guy called John Gottman So John
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Gottman is a relationship expert He can watch a couple talk about you know every couple has that like little niggle that
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kind of conversation that never goes away It's a bit awkward Might just be me but but my experience is most do Um and
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John Gottman uh he can he can watch a couple talk about that for 15 minutes
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and then predict with 90% accuracy whether they will still be married in
34:52
six years time Right so that that's godlike skills for a psychologist And
34:57
one of the things that John Gottman notes is that often couples and teams and people just talk about the same
35:04
stuff every day And over time their connections become less rich because
35:11
they're just covering the same ground So one of the things he recommends is
35:16
expanding your understanding just a little bit with of the people around you on a dayto-day basis And so these
35:23
questions here are what he calls you know his the some some questions he calls his Gotman questions And they um
35:30
and they are ways you I do this in the car with my kids Um I do it on date We
35:36
sometimes we use them on the date on date night with my wife If you want more of these there's a there's an app on
35:43
both iPhone and uh Android called the Gotman Cards app And there's a bunch of
35:49
these kind of questions in that app So you can just kind of pick one at random and use it to start a conversation with
35:55
the people around you If you're in uniform it can actually be fun to do this when you're on operations or on
36:01
exercise Often times when you're on operations or on exercise sort of after you've run home for a couple of weeks
36:08
sort of start to talk run out of things to talk about So using one of these questions as a way to prompt a
36:13
conversation that's kind of a bit more interesting can be useful Similarly if you're at home uh over the dinner table
36:21
you can use these questions to kind of prompt a more you know a slightly different and more interesting question
36:26
at the dinner table right um so so that's one option is just just you asking some slightly different questions
36:34
getting to know each other in a slightly different way Um so for example for
36:39
those of you who can't read this or on your phone or something you know it might be what in your life you're most grateful for um if you could choose a
36:47
different career or vocation what would that be if you could have lived in another time in history when was that
36:53
and why was that um what's the most exciting thing that's happening in your
36:59
life right now all this all these kind of questions just to expand and kind of introduce slightly different and deeper
37:06
understanding of the people around us Does that make sense i'm curious like
37:12
um uh give me a thumbs up and our emojis if you might be interested in giving
37:17
these one of these questions a go with your family or or your teammates or your home people at home Yeah
37:25
Cool Awesome Yeah Ideally my experience if you've got teenagers is do it when
37:30
you're all trapped in the car on a long car journey Great place to Great place when you've got a captive audience
37:36
Um then the next one I'll get you to do uh or the next thing I'll get you to think about uh to set that up I'd like
37:44
you to just draw a little stick figure of yourself on the bit of paper in front of you right so you might give yourself
37:50
some uh some glasses or gray hair like myself but whatever works for you right
37:56
or just draw a little picture of yourself on the paper in front of you
38:02
And then once you've got that picture there what I'd ask you to do is just draw a few arrows going out and pointing
38:11
out to the the people in your life that draw energy from you right so you've got
38:17
kids you might draw an arrow out and call and draw draw and write kids cuz that's normal and appropriate right as a
38:24
parent your job is to kind of give energy to your kids So that's that's okay and normal You might put if you're
38:31
a boss you know team members energy going out Once again that's appropriate Your part of your job as a boss is to is
38:37
to put energy into the people around you into your team members Um if you've got people in your
38:43
life that arrow goes both ways So for me I might put my wife you know sometimes she I give her energy and give her
38:50
support and sometimes it goes the other way and she does that for me That's cool So just start kind of listing the people
38:56
in your life and and the direction of the energy
39:03
flow and just thinking about that I'll just give you a minute or two
39:10
just to just to kind of start going through the people in your life at work at home other commitments If you're on
39:18
other in community groups you know put those people there Many of us have parents now that are also we're also
39:26
providing support or they might be providing support to us and that's common as
39:32
well And now what I'd like once you've done that I'd encourage you just to draw just to think for a moment and look at
39:40
are there any arrows going in so are there any arrows where there is just energy going in so for
39:48
me I might um
39:53
um put my dog you know my dog is all about unconditional love So Ziggy Ziggy
39:59
will she's always happy to see me no matter uh what's gone on in her day She's always happy to see me when I come
40:05
home So I'd kind of put my dog as as an unconditional error going in
40:10
Likewise as a psychologist I have to have a supervisor like a profession another psychologist that I go and see
40:16
every couple of weeks and their job is just to support me in doing my work Right so that would be an arrow just
40:23
going in Right now if as you look at your stick figure all the arrows are
40:29
going out I would encourage you to think about
40:34
who and how might I get some arrows going in Because no matter who we are
40:41
eventually we need someone investing in us you know and it might be arrows both
40:47
ways But think about if there's someone in your life that you might call on and
40:52
ask to just be support for you or to be predominantly support for you right they
40:58
might be a mentor They might be a coach They might be about who in your life is
41:04
there that can just that you can just without expectation lean on them Yeah
41:10
And think about how you might build that into your life Um and give yourself permission to do that Might be a
41:17
therapist psychologist as well Those options are available
41:23
Yeah Sweet So then the last thing I'm going to talk about today is avoiding
41:29
one of the traps that many of us fall into in our relationships And this is
41:34
one of the um the principles that John Gottman that relationship guy that I spoke about earlier this is like one of
41:40
his first recommendations to people when they're trying to build stronger relationships And that is to connect and
41:48
then problem solve Um now
41:53
uh the way that sort of he explains this is that all emotions are designed to be
41:59
felt expressed and heard right so uh we have emotions for a reason I spoke about
42:06
that last week And we are at our best uh if we allow ourselves to have them to say them
42:14
out loud or express them out loud and then if they're heard by someone else that's what allows them to kind of peak
42:20
and pass often So when we talk with our friends about what's going on and they
42:25
hear us and they and they make that and they help us feel heard then that often
42:32
allows these those emotions to peak and pass One of the best things you can do as a parent with your kids is to help
42:39
them give them a space where they can talk about what they're feeling feel like that's okay and then and have you
42:45
acknowledge it and then that'll often help kind of peak and pass
42:50
Now often times what we do instead of that in an
42:56
effort to be helpful in an effort to be useful in an effort to relieve someone's
43:01
suffering we go to problem solving too soon So if someone comes to me let's say a mate comes to me and says you know
43:09
they're broken up with their girlfriend Um I might say a bunch of things that
43:15
are designed or intend or I hope are going to be helpful but aren't So things
43:21
like um ah you're better off without her Plenty of other fish in the sea It'll
43:28
pass You'll feel better soon Um now you have more time to play golf Whatever it
43:34
is right we say all these things out of an effort to be helpful But often what
43:39
happens for people is that when we say those things what they hear is "You
43:45
shouldn't feel that way." So my mate comes to me he's broken up with his partner and I say what he hears is "You
43:52
shouldn't feel that way There are plenty of other fish in the sea You shouldn't feel that way Uh you're better off You
43:59
shouldn't feel that way These feelings will pass in time." And the problem is that we do feel that way right we do
44:06
feel loss We do feel the pain We do feel the grief So it can be useful if you
44:13
notice that someone shuts down when you try to problem solve to ask yourself the
44:18
question what would the next words be out of my mouth if they began with the
44:24
sentiment who wouldn't feel that way who wouldn't feel that way i know how much
44:29
you like that girl Who wouldn't feel that way i know how hard you worked Who
44:35
wouldn't feel that way rel breakups suck man They really They really suck When we
44:40
do that when we tell people that it's okay to feel the way they feel they
44:45
don't have to pretend not to feel that way when they're with you then they know they're not alone with these big scary
44:54
feelings And immediately they feel they start to feel
44:59
they start to calm down their threat system starts to starts to to settle
45:05
because they know they're not alone Right so if all you do when someone
45:12
comes to you in distress is connects with them is reinforces that it's okay
45:18
to feel the way they feel and they don't need to stop feeling that way around you then that will make a difference
45:26
And uh and as John Gman says so that connection comes first and then you can
45:32
problem solve Now I will say that there is one gender in particular that is
45:39
predisposed to going to problem solving too fast
45:45
Um perhaps on our emojis if you think that is the masculine gender maybe let's
45:52
see a thumbs up If you think that's females maybe put a
45:57
heart Let's just kind of see what the gut instinct is All right I saw a few hearts Sweet So people who are from um a
46:08
masculine have a masculine gender identity and adopt very masculine norms
46:14
and those can be both wah and tarn tend to go to problem solving too soon And I
46:20
notice this in myself because I make a chopping hand gesture right and I this is when I know I'm going problem solving
46:27
mode So if if you are prone to that trap
46:32
as well my advice to you is just to slow down and to attempt to connect a little
46:37
more with what the person's feeling and let them sit with that just a little bit longer and see what difference that
46:44
makes Cool So uh that's kind of what we uh that's
46:50
all our time for today That takes that's our time to finish So just to reiterate connection is really important
46:57
and at a at a physiological level it'll help us be healthier right um we are
47:03
built to feel better when we belong and are connected So in times of stress in times of trouble investing in that
47:10
connection is really important and we need to be more intentional and deliberate about it
47:16
Uh if you want to know more about connection John Gottman guy I've cited throughout he's got a couple of really
47:22
good books um with some really practical exercises some fun things you can do and
47:27
some really useful insights So so um I think his most recent book is called
47:33
Fight Right which is how to have how to have arguments in a way that kind of is helpful So um so that'll be the kind of
47:40
summary for today Yeah Any questions problems or concerns i'll stick around I'll stick around for a bit longer just
47:46
to see if there's any questions in the uh in the Q&A But otherwise that's everything for today team Hope you got
47:53
something out of it and enjoy your Friday afternoon Connect with people you love
47:58
this afternoon Do something fun with someone you care about Cool Thanks very much Steve and thank
48:04
you for the uh putting together all of this quality material for us It's been really helpful uh in supporting us
48:11
through the the this the time frame we're going through right at the moment So really appreciate that Thank you very much Steve No worries team All the best
48:18
Um and uh yeah we'll just stay online if there's any questions in the Q&A for a couple minutes
48:45
So someone's put the um I think if you So someone's put uh that they've struggled to find the link for the
48:51
sessions Um I think if you come back to this meeting and teams then you can find
48:57
or come back to this like the calendar invite in teams you can find the recordings there and I think also the
49:04
PDFs are there as well Frank do you know where the um where is there anywhere else they can find the recordings yes
49:11
they they're on the health hub Um we it just takes a little bit of time to get them loaded up So um if you can't find
49:19
them yet it may well be that it hasn't been loaded up but you can search for them um against the against the name of
49:27
the webinar Cool Yeah Thanks So they they should be there
49:42
Cool All righty So there's Oh wait Got new posts Let's have a
49:48
look No all
49:54
good Right team I'll let everyone go get on with their day It's a lovely day outside here in Palmy today where I am
50:00
So I hope everyone's um make going to make the most of getting out and enjoying uh their Friday evening with
50:07
the people they care about And uh all the best for um uh yeah whatever's
50:13
whatever is coming up for you Thanks very much team I'll see you later Thanks Dave