Five secrets of relationship champions

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[Music]
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so do you want to be in an amazing
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relationship full of love and laughter
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great
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friendship great sex good connection do
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you want to create a safe place uh for
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your kids to grow up do you want to be
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that that older couple that you know
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their their children want to be like
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them their grandkids want to be
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connected to them is that something that
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you want because i know for me when i
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got married that was that was my dream
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that was my aspiration it was it was
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something that was really important to
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me and yet i remember about three months
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after our marriage having this massive
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fight
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with my wife about something that seemed
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completely
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ridiculous and and thinking what the
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heck happened how did how did i get into
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that space
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and um
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and so what happened is over the next
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few years my wife and i tried really
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hard
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on a variety of different different
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strategies to to try and make things
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better you know we were raising children
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and no matter what we tried nothing
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really seemed to work
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and so what that led to is what is still
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the worst moment in my life of sitting
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down my two daughters at the the kitchen
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table with my wife and explaining to
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them that mummy and daddy couldn't live
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together in the same house anymore and
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watching that shock and sadness and
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confusion in their faces they're trying
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to absorb that
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and waking up uh in in in my house alone
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without my children not being able to
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put them to bed not not
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having them there missing birthday
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parties
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christmases alone and and all of the
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costs that go with that
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and so i spent a couple of years after
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my my first marriage ended really
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struggling and trying to find out you
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know what what was it that that went
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wrong in our relationship what was it
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that was causing the problems that that
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broke our connection and took us apart
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and
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in the process of that study i came
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across a guy by the name of john gottman
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and john gottman is a marriage
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researcher and his claim to fame is that
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he is able to watch a couple talk for 15
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15 minutes about a difficult issue and
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then predict with over 90 accuracy
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whether they will divorce in the next
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five years or not
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now apparently when his research came
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out people stopped inviting him for
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dinner so it was really bad for his
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social life apparently but it was really
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useful for us as therapists because it
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gave us the ability to identify with a
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lot of accuracy what were the particular
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issues that caused problems in the
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relationship
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so gottman has an interesting story
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himself so apparently in the late 70s
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gottman's relationship was in trouble
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and so he was talking with a buddy of
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his at the university of washington
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and who worked in the psychology
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department and gottman i believe was
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attached to the department but his
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background is actually math mathematics
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so he's a yale educated mathematician
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and so what they they were discussing
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about the problems they were having in
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relationship and they decided well let's
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set up some experiments to find out what
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is it that that people have great
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relationship do that's different from
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people who have terrible relationships
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and so what they did was they set up an
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apartment at the university of
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washington washington
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and
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they wired it for sound and video and
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all of that that kind of stuff and it
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was like the original big brother and
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they invited couples to come and stay at
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the apartment they called it the love
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lab for for the weekend and they didn't
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do any intervention they just filmed
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them and uh and just said look to do
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what you would normally do on a weekend
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uh forget that the cameras are there and
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uh and then they basically sent them on
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their way and then they followed up five
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or six years later to find out what had
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actually happened with these couples
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which couples were still together which
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couples uh had separated and then they
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went back with that the benefit of
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knowing which couples were successful
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and ran a whole series of computer
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analysis uh in order to determine what
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were the things that if you had seen
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this couple five years before what were
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the indicators that would let you know
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um whether this was going to be a couple
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uh who would be successful or whether
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there would be a couple who would
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separate
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and so this was really interesting
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because it was a completely different
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approach from what most therapists did
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at the time because what most therapists
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would tend to do is to develop a theory
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or an idea
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in most cases based off their own
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experience and then kind of test that
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out on their clients and so if you're a
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person who really kind of hates yelling
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then you might develop a theory that
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says well you know we should get couples
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to stop yelling because that always
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feels terrible when we're in a uh a
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conflict situation and so then you
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become the therapist that trains clients
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to do things other than yelling when
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they're having a fight
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but what gottman did was he he basically
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went and he said i don't have a theory i
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have no idea how to make this this work
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but what he found out in the process is
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that there were four specific behaviors
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that couples who uh would do um and both
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of them would do it the masters and the
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disasters but if they counted these four
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negative behaviors which i call the four
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relationship killers
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and and compared them with the positive
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behaviors you ended up with a
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mathematical ratio
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that would help you determine whether
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the couple was going to divorce uh or
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not
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so
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couples in happy relationship during a
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difficult conversation have five times
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as many positive behaviors as negative
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behaviors so they have a five to one
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ratio
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couples in uh who are gonna divorce who
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are a negative relationship have a 0.8
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ratio which means that um there are only
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four positives for every five negatives
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and so basically what happens is so
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gottman basically developed this idea of
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like a relationship bank account to
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explain this which basically says if you
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are earning five times as much as you
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spend you're in a really good position
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whereas if you're spending more than you
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were then obviously you're going to be
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in trouble and the same thing happens in
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relationships
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so the other thing that he also found
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out is that what he calls the masters of
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relationship
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in general in normal life when they
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weren't having difficult conversations
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their normal ratio is about 20 to one so
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they're 20 positives for every negative
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and this ratio incidentally is the same
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that we would see for most people in a
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new relationship in the honeymoon stage
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of relationship
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and so this is a really key point that
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you want to take away that if you want
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to be in a good relationship and what we
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need to be doing is we need to
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consciously be trying to increase the
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number of positive interactions uh in a
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relationship and we need to be actively
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trying to reduce the negative number uh
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of interactions and so what we're going
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to do as we go through this course is
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we're going to give you some really
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practical tools and exercises that are
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going to help you increase the positive
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behaviors in the relationship and also
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teach you how to reduce some of the the
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negative uh behaviors
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and um
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the what government calls the masters of
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relationship are a very interesting
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group because they they basically fell
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into two categories
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so what he found out was that out of
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every hundred couples
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about eighteen percent of couples so
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that's one eight
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uh went into a relationship they fell in
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love they stayed in love they you know
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they had a good relationship they would
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never go to couple therapy they'd be
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like why would we need to do this you
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know you just be nice to your partner
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and and relationships just work for them
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and those people are really great
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kind of super annoying because probably
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if you're watching this you're not one
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of those people
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and so those people are gay but they
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don't really need a lot of attention and
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what they basically found out was that
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the masses of relationship for the most
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part
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tended to come from households where mum
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and dad stayed together where there was
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a fairly stable upbringing not
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necessarily a lot of trauma there was
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good kind of emotional expression
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physical needs were taken care of so
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they had
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what they were
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what is known as securely attached so
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that they were well taken care of their
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parents functioned as a really safe base
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for them so unconsciously they have a
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really good internal model about how to
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be successful in relationship
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now
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that's great but what about if you
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didn't grow up with that if your parents
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divorce or if they weren't really a good
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model about how to be loving and
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affectionate and connected in
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relationship well what then
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and so
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the uh what he basically found was that
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there was this other group that's about
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16 of couples and and this is a group
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that i'm particularly interested in
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this group basically somehow figured it
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out so what happened is they'd get into
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relationships they'd go onto the
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honeymoon stage so they fall in love
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that's all great and then at some point
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in time they start having problems
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but what they do is they figure out how
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to make it better okay so they go go to
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therapy they read some books they get
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some help and they improve the
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relationship
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until it it becomes a safer connected
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space and so they end up looking like
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the masters of relationship so they get
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it but they work for it and i call these
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people the relationship champions
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because they don't they don't get it on
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a plat uh on a platter they had to learn
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how to do it they're very real they're
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making mistake and they're really a
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group that i can identify with
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there are two other groups the next
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group is the couple that fall in love
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have the honeymoon stage start to
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struggle
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and they stay together and everyone
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wishes they didn't
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so they have a terrible relationship
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they fight they bicker they die about 10
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years younger because of the stress and
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stuff that happens in their relationship
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but they're basically a terrible example
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of for people about you know getting
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married because it's just awful kind of
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being and you know close to them being
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raised by them and um if that was your
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experience growing up then you're going
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to come into relationships and you're
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really going to have a some challenges
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because your model is not going to be
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really great and unfortunately there's
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quite a few of us
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and then we have 50 of the population
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who separate
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and
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so what that says to me apart from the
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fact that i'm going to have a job for a
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long time
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what that says to me is that in order to
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be in a good relationship
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we need to understand that in most cases
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we're going to need to work for it
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so the other piece of good news is that
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if you want it and you're prepared to do
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the work for it having a good
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relationship is possible for you
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and so what we're going to be doing in
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this course is we're going to be talking
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about what it takes to be a relationship
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champion and the five characteristics of
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relationship champions and we're going
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to work through them progressively over
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this course
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so the first characteristic of a
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relationship champion is that they know
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where to focus their efforts so i
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remember when i got um into my marriage
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um i don't really like conflict i don't
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really like fighting and so a lot of my
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focus was really on trying to avoid kind
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of difficult emotional discussions
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because they didn't really know what to
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do in terms of that and that focus was
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entirely wrong
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so what we're going to do in the first
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course is we're going to talk about so
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what is it that you need to focus on
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where do you need to focus your efforts
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in order to make things better
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so the second thing that relationship
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champions do really well is they read
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their partners accurately so for
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instance if i walk home and i walk into
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the house and i see my partner i can
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tell you in an instant basically what
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her mood is and i have learned how to do
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that it's kind of like the difference
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between yeah that's fine honey and yeah
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that's fine those are two completely
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different messages and if you confuse
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the two of them your life is not going
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to go well
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so that's the second skill learning how
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to read your partner and becoming a
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master at reading their their verbal and
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non-verbal cues and signatures
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so the third thing that relationship
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champions do really well
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is that they know how to understand and
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resolve conflict they know what's
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basically driving conflict and they are
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able to move through conflict in order
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to get to a better state of connection
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now this is a really exciting thing
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because you know there's nothing that
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makes a relationship feel harder or
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worse than perpetual conflict and so
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learning how to get into that space and
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and to learn some skills to unpack that
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and actually to to start a difficult
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conversation knowing at the end of it
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that you're going to be more connected
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to your partner is a really useful thing
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because it makes you feel a whole lot
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more relaxed and stressed stress-free
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in your relationship
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the next thing that they do the fifth
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thing that they do is that they are able
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to create safety and trust in the
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relationship now this is incredibly
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important because this is how we learn
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to maintain the relationship for the
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long term and to create a sense of
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safety and security and this one uh
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essentially is kind of like a core a
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core pillar and so we're going to talk
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about um how we maintain that but also
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how we repair if there has been a trust
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breach at some point in time
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so those are the the five things that
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we're going to be doing over the course
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of this course but what we want to do is
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we want to start off with this really
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simple uh exercise we're going to get
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you to do that you'll probably do
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unconsciously a bunch of bunch of the
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time and
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but we're going to teach you how to do
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it in a way that that kind of hacks the
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brain a bit and makes it more effective
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and more powerful and this is a behavior
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that people in the honeymoon stage do
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all the time unconsciously mostly
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because they're high on honeymoon drugs
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and we're going to talk about some of
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the honeymoon drugs a little bit later
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and so what this behavior is is
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appreciation
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so people in the honeymoon stage will be
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saying like oh god you know i love it
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that you did that you know you look so
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great or that was so thoughtful that
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dinner you cook tastes so amazing you're
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so incredible you're such an amazing
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cook and so like there's multiple
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appreciations being laid out and um and
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so what happens is it creates a space of
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um of safety of connection
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in the relationship it makes us feel
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good in our body it makes us feel good
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emotionally and it creates an
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environment of safety and trust
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and so um often when people come into
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relationship counseling they come in
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with this you know they want to tell me
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all about the problems and the
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relationship but and and i'm basically
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stopping them because i'm saying hang on
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a sec no one gets into a relationship to
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fix problem people get into a
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relationship because they feel good
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being with their partner
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and so one of the things you know if
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you're in a space now where your
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relationship is not going really great
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this exercise is really going to help
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you start to turn the tide and it may
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feel a little bit difficult or awkward
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if you're not in the honeymoon stage
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anymore to do some of these appreciation
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but what will happen is when you start
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to appreciate your partner not only will
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they feel better but appreciations are
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actually more powerful for the person
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who's doing it and so this is something
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active and proactive you can do
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that will
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start filling your relationship bank
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account and
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and start protecting and strengthening
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your relationship.com
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[Music]
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you