Being Men is a New Zealand Rugby (NZR) video series that explores wellbeing, healthy relationships and masculinity from the perspective of New Zealand men.
one of the things I learned about love
as a young boy was that love could
physically hurt you love could be when
you're getting the Bosch you're getting
us a sir and I guess I I don't want
other men to think that that is love I I
think that's a type of love that the
whole world should be rid of it's not
yeah kind of a thing we just in the
rugby suit because we probably just I
don't assume maybe a little bit that
that everything's all good and we all
you know all kind of strong in the field
within off the field around is supposed
to be you know gentle and kind of real
caring but I don't know I guess some
people you know might have a little
demons that they carry with them and
it's kind of probably you just never
really know like weapons behind closed
doors and you see a few incidents in the
public and the media sometimes of rugby
boys who doing things to their partners
or they're getting caught in doing
things that are like a salt and stuff
there aren't they aren't right and yeah
it's quite a hard one like it's really
because you just don't know like Oh
everyone in my teens all good fellows
and you know I get on every single one
of them but yeah you just not sure what
people can do under the influence or or
whatever they do go ahead to close doors
you um yeah I guess family violence in
domestic violence is incredibly bad in
New Zealand and it is something I think
is mean like we need to speak up about
in I definitely like I'm a big believer
that we need to be be open as men and
like personally like when I've been open
with with guys that frees up a lot of I
guess worries or issues of him or anger
or whatever I've had in my life and it
gives me a sense of comfort and freedom
and I guess what I'm trying to allude to
is that maybe like in communities that
if guys are being vulnerable with each
other and they are talking to each other
there might help someone that might be
involved in domestic violence
to be better I think a lot of these
things are hidden and that they're not
talked about and it's the worst possible
thing that could happen because it's
happening in silence or this man is
angry but he hasn't had a chance to
express his anger so he's using it
towards his family and I definitely
think as men if we the more we can talk
the more vulnerable we we can be the
less frustrations or anger we'll have
inside because I'm a big believer that a
lot of it is because we don't talk about
it we just let it boil up to the point
it's sadly it's our family families will
WAIS or whoever it is affected by it
yeah I feel like you have to work on
yourself to be able to handle your
like when it comes thoughts and feelings
and emotions like not saying you know
how to feel that way you know how to
think that but it's the actions and what
you do that come from it so your mind
can be angry anyone can be stressed out
but there's a difference between you
know lashing out at your partner and
saying to you I'll look I'm stressed out
you know just a huggie pissed off okay
it's just I'm no different than anyone
else but it's what I do about it I don't
mind going beat people up will I always
thought swearing I was trying to find
out ways to like you process those
emotions and channel it like you in a
healthy way just like handling handling
your really and with its yeah
if you can't realize that and go get
help but you can't do it all on your own
if you know that you can't handle it
mean I wake up and realize that okay the
things that I've been doing up until now
I ain't working find something else go
you talk about it go get help
anger and frustration I think you know I
still feel that a lot has probably a lot
of things that you know I'm still
figuring out as a person although I'm
like you know I'd like to be happy and
bubbly there's things that bubble the
blood so to say and you know whether
that's balancing my family and my work
life getting those things right you know
someone that's getting on my nerves and
probably not dealing with that and
letting it sort of bubble over
you know I deal with that often but you
know I try not to let the anger
frustration get the better of me I try
and you know break it down in my head
and not let it get to the point where
just like an outburst or or you know
like a bit of Rage shown you can defuse
it straight away just so yeah and while
I'm seeing is just a live of being a man
and maturing with yourself to be in
control of yourself you know always
remembering you is if it's if it's if I
did wrong I'm quick to say yes I am
sorry you know really really sorry and
asked for forgiveness as well and
there's quick closes the door and I said
so that's where this weird mana comes
back into try not hold your mana a long
time even if you rather than soaked or
white or wrong you should still have
that that respect that who of you who
were there person or persons oh it's
just that the so-called love element
that comes into it does wick the biggest
thing that helped us was communication
like being able to talk about how we
feel and why we mad and mum mom's a big
advocate for for conversation even
though sometimes she's just like you
talk too much in that's like she's she'd
she'd rather meets how her how I feel
then me not tell her at all and she's
is very well-versed at letting me know
how she feels and and I know exactly
what to do when that happens so and she
knows exactly what to do and I gave it
but it's like you know that line of
communication is valuable but I
sometimes and I do understand that it
doesn't work for families because
sometimes these people don't want to
communicate they just act out in
violence and that's just the way it's
been wired and then so I don't have a
surefire answer way like surefire answer
but I do know that if people were
willing to just communicate with what
others especially amongst the
generations like our older generation
and our younger generation which seems
to be one of the main concerns in our
Pacific community is that sort of kept
their bridging that connection between
the two if they could just speak on a
more open forum and understand sort of
their ways and what they've learned and
what they believe in I think I think the
it's a stepping stone so that sort of
more prosperous future where we can read
that role of violence but it's it's such
a big journey
hearing that from dead you know that I
just need to be more accountable for my
this is what I need is what I needed to
hear and I think there is something only
a man can say to another man you know
they were all like kick in the guts
check you know like it's what you're
doing is not good enough pull it
together in terms of be bitter if that's
coming from a male that you really
admire and it's probably gonna do
something good for you yeah I would like
to think that I'm growing my confidence
to pull people up when I don't think
something's right like definitely couple
years ago I wouldn't have that courage
to do it but I guess it depends what in
what context someone has put someone
down or a man has put his woman down or
something like that all depend on if I
stiffen or not or if I say something to
him but like I can remember differently
a lot of times like and it's not in a
point of view as such but it might be
there you know sometimes like guys in a
group might try to get a laugh at
putting someone else down and then in
the way that I don't I guess in the way
I show courage to say that's not okay is
like not laugh or give him a look if
there makes sense yeah definitely if I
don't think something's right I won't
laugh or or I won't be like given that
appreciation he wants if it makes sense
hmm well I just I just keep this rising
feeling that no one said something about
and I will mmm that's how I know you
know when I'm in a space and I see a
woman or a trans person being treated
yeah in a way that I wouldn't want to be
and because of because of gender that I
have to say something yeah I still
struggle for now but I know it's the
wrong thing not to say something and
it's just having that courage to and
yeah like if someone like that it I'll
jump on board like you know because I'm
not the one that's like water out first
but it's having this strength in the
courage to like be their person if it's
not right then and try and say it
just lead by example they don't grow
empower your wife to love your children
and just be a good strong person for our
that's all we want and that's all I
believe our young people need just a
good strong kind man they're not just in
New Zealand all around the world it's a
fair time we rise up in and lead well my
mama Hiroki remember always my
keto Marco I always return to your heart
of love Chiara
Tucker: This is the most deranged story in history
20 hours ago
Keeping our whānau safe
Families are supposed to be a safe place and be a group of people who you can rely on in good times and in hard. Sadly, this isn’t always the reality for some people. A person may not be safe at home with their whānau for a number of reasons. Read through this information to see some of the factors that may lead to safety concerns.
NZDF supports a safe whānau approach that means that all members in the whānau can thrive or flourish. We want to support whānau to join fully in the community. We want whānau to be able to contribute to the wellbeing of the wider community (as much as they would like to) through taking part in community groups and clubs, volunteering to help those who are less able or fortunate and helping to create a sense of belonging and identity.
In NZDF we know the importance of the support our whānau provide for our members and the difference they make for us to do our work. In turn there are several ways we support our families, by:
Providing family support to personnel on all camps and bases.
Supporting flexible work practices where able.
Providing opportunities for NZDF families/whānau to connect with each other.
Holding regular family events and providing specific activities.
By providing specific support to families/whānau during deployments.
What happens at work when safety concerns arise?
If there are safety issues happening at home, or within the whānau it may involve a NZDF member not living the values of our organisation. Equally, it could arise from their family/whānau member with unsafe behaviours or your civilian partner or family member. These unsafe behaviours are heavily influenced by upbringing and experience of healthy relationships. If there are safety concerns happening, then this will require time and focus within the home from the NZDF member and all in the home will need a helping hand from support services.
If the whānau are not safe or thriving it is likely that this will have an impact at work too. The unit may be impacted by a member needing time off work to manage these issues, being absent or on sick leave. Sometimes the person may also be showing risky behaviours or attitudes, conflict in the team, safety issues during operations or exercises, or the potential for harm to the team.
What can contribute to family safety or harm issues?
Family safety issues are complex and there are often multiple factors or systems contributing to these issues. Here are some examples that lead to family safety concerns in a New Zealand environment:
Family violence or family harm.
Child abuse or neglect.
Sexual violence or harm.
Health or mental health issues.
Addictions of any kind (alcohol, gambling, gaming, porn).
Barriers to clean dry and warm housing or mobility/ transience issues.
Barriers to transport or access to community resources.
Access to health services or the impact of health conditions (chronic, acute, mental health, genetic, injury or accident, terminal illness).
Education or work participation.
Justice or other disciplinary process.
Lack of meaningful work.
Mainstream society attitudes or customs.
Lack of cultural support or cultural safety or access to religious practices.
Barriers to access early childhood services.
Lack of Parenting support.
Lack of support when things aren’t going okay.
Unable to access the basic necessities to live.
What can you do if your whānau are unsafe?
Tell someone you trust and ask for their support to help your whānau be safe.
Create a safety plan with someone you trust.
Put child safety first and talk to your child educator or health provider or other professional about getting help.
The person that is making the environment unsafe needs to be accountable for their behaviours. Try to get them support to change (if it won’t heighten risk for other whānau members). Ensure the safety of any children or vulnerable family/whānau members has been secured first.
Learn more about our internal support services here
If you believe another whānau you know are not safe you can ask questions like:
Are you ok?
Is someone hurting you?
Is there anything I can do?
Providing support if someone tells you they are unsafe at home
Listen, listen, listen – you don’t need to give advice.
Provide practical support – make a meal, take them to support services, be a point of contact on their safety plan, offer to take care of children.
Take their story seriously—don’t brush it off.
Support them to find their own way through the issue but by just being alongside them you will be helping.
Be prepared to take action if you know children are at risk and no one will do anything—phone NZ Police (111) or Oranga Tamariki 0508 326 459. Children don’t have choices about where they live or what they see hear or experience. The adults need to put them first in these situations.
Keep connected with them even if they have agencies involved.
Community projects to create positive change
Creating networks within existing community settings (church, marae, school) to respond to family safety issues.
Find out what some of the gaps are in community resources and get formal partners to advocate for solutions.
Create a local community campaign for a national family harm prevention strategy—for example, White Ribbon.
Apply for funding to improve community facilities which in turn will support healthy whānau.
Invite guest speakers from other communities in the country who have had success with community projects on this topic.