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[Music]
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so the total apology is um
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is an apology that we use where our
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partner is overwhelmed uh with something
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traumatic completely overwhelming where
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we've done something that has been a
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significant uh or serious breach in the
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relationship and they deepen their child
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brain deep in that um in their baby
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brain
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and so the first stage is that we are
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basically apologizing for the fact that
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they are in this painful difficult
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emotional state because of our behavior
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and so the apology goes i'm so sorry
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that you feel like this because of my
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behavior
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i'm so sorry that you feel like this
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because of my behavior
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and the second component of the apology
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is where we acknowledge that it's not
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fair this is this is an asymmetrical
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wound i've done something that's
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significantly more serious than anything
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that they've done and um and it's not
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their fault
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it's not your fault and it's not fair
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and then the third element which you
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only say if it's actually true
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is where you try to reassure them and
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you say and i want you to know that i'm
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doing everything i can to try and make
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this better
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i want you to know that i'll do
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everything i can to make this better
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and so if you can use this when your
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partner is in a state of overwhelm or
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trauma you may need to do it a few times
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what this will do is it means that you
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can be present with them in a way that
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will not further engage or
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overwhelm their system and and until
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they come back into their adult brain
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and they can start to process this more
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in a more connected fashion
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[Music]
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you