Dr Lucy Hone: Busting Myths on Grief and Loss

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boy are we a grief illiterate grief
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awkward death phobic societies hey we're
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not very good at talking about these
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things which is kind of Madness because
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put your hand up if you've ever lost
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someone you truly
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love that's like over half of the room
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um wouldn't this be a useful thing to
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learn about at school so given that
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you're not taught it at schools I
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thought I would just share some really
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basic insights so we run programs that
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are online live and we've got loads of
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free resources I stuck this up here lots
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of free resources blogs podcasts and
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things on helping people find their way
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through loss so please go and have a
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look at those but I thought let's just
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start with have you ever wondered this
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like probably not because it's not your
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world but I think this is so fascinating
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why do we grieve
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because we are
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hardwired for attachment and we live in
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a world of
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impermanence you know we don't just lose
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people but we lose possessions
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projects um things
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places if you stop for a moment all of
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you will have some form of kind of what
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I would refer to as a loss timeline in
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your life you've all gone through losses
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you might have your parents might have
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separated when you were younger you
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might have lost someone very close to
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you but you might have been forced as a
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school kid to move schools when you
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didn't want to you've lost a pet you
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know we've all lost someone and yet we
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live in these incredibly loss phobic and
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awkward societies and I'm on a mission
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change that so um I also love this
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definition that grief is the difference
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between where you are and where you
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thought you would be so we've just been
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doing quite a lot of work around job
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loss because there have been so many
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redundancies recently here um all over
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New Zealand and I think what really
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struck us is that when people suffer
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experience redundancy they don't think
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of it as grief and yet of course they're
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grieving their purpose their daily
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routine their friends at work you know
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all of these things that's grief your
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feeling and I think once you know it's
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grief that's important because it opens
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you up to some really helpful grief
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advice that isn't widely available and
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I'm just going to skim you quickly
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through that now so if you are someone
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who's helping someone who is coping with
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any form of loss not just talking
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bereavement we're talking non-death
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losses too you know someone who's going
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through a really acrimonious separation
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somebody whose parents have just got to
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be put into a dementia unit or even a
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relative who's had their driving license
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taken away there are so many losses what
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I want you to think about is um first
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and foremost to give them hope and tell
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them that you believe in them and that
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you're going to be there for
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them over the Long
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Haul um and that going to walk alongside
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them with this journey actually in the
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research we do around coping with loss
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we are told time and time again that
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what Grievers want is someone to Bear
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witness to their Journey so you don't
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have to have all the answers but
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actually just walking alongside them
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Going the Distance is one of the most
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valuable things you can do do you guys
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know who Steve Kerney is who's the yeah
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the does mental skills for the Army I
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did um some work with him last year in
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after Cyclone Gabriel and I love his
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phrase that you know how do you have a
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conversation with someone about a mental
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health issue and you don't really know
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how to his phrase is that you feel the
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weird and do it anyway and I love that
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it's like you know coners some
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conversations are going to be awkward
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doesn't mean they're not important
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doesn't mean you shouldn't have
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them okay um and then tell them you know
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remind them remind them that you heard
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this woman come and talk to you who said
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that humans are incredibly adaptable in
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the face of change and I love this
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phrase from one of my favorite
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researchers Tom attig who says that
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coping with loss any form of bereavement
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is about relearning to live in the world
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it takes time it's hard work it's
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horrible but it is possible okay just a
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couple of other things so help them find
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what works for them so grief is as
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individual as your fingerprint is really
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important to know there are no five
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stages of grief there is no right way to
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grief you have got to find your way
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which takes trial and error um at the
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end of my TED Talk I made this comment
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which I didn't really think much of at
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the time but actually this has kind of
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become the philosophy of all of my grief
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work is that it is possible to live and
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grieve at the same time not what you
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wanted not pretty not easy bloody hard
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work but it actually is possible to kind
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of keep functioning and do The Grieving
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at the same time um and that is what we
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do lots of training in now for people um
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and really important for everybody
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please to leave here toight today
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knowing that there are no five stages of
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grief put your hand up if you've heard
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of that model because most people have
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heard of some of the five stages of
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grief um and you know this was a model
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that came from Elizabeth Kubler Ross's
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work years ago so first really important
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to know that it came from her
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observations of people who were
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dying so it was anticipatory grief
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people who were in hospice who were
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dying who apparently went through five
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stages of grief for the bereaved there
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are no five stages of grief that's utter
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rubbish and all so many scientific
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studies now have shown that grief is as
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individual as your fingerprint you've
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got to find your way you're not going
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through those stages I'll let you just
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quickly read this
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too certainly in our work we often have
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clients coming to us saying I need some
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help I need some coaching I need a coun
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because I'm not going I'm not grieving
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properly I'm not going through the five
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stages of grief so they actually
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definitely are causing more harm um
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three more useful insights is one
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continuing Bond Theory which tells you
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that actually the task of mour is to
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work out how to keep this person present
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in your world even though they're not
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physically here anymore so little small
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ways of kind of practices and rituals
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that enable you to keep them close keep
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thinking about them even though you know
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they're not here so you're not in denial
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you know they're not here but You' found
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some way of thinking about their legacy
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to live for them that makes you feel
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like you're never going to forget them
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second is oscillation Theory just very
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quickly this shows has demonstrated that
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when we are going through grief the most
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healthy thing you can do is sometimes
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you do really wallow in your grief you
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can't get on out of you know off the
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couch or get out of bed you're really
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stuck in that kind of grief feelings
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loneliness misery pining Keening and
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then you have to also get on with
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everyday life and we call this the
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restorative Zone and this is the loss
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Zone and what the research shows is you
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don't want to spend too much time in
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either of these you want to EB and flow
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oscillate backwards and forwards make
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sense and I actually think this is a
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really healthy theory for a approaching
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any really challenging life situation
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you know there are times when you want
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to approach it and there are times when
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it's okay to avoid it lick your wounds
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and distract yourself with something
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else ideally something healthy okay and
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the third is that when we lose someone
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we don't just lose someone and this
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applies to job losses too there's beyond
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the primary loss there are all these
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secondary losses you know the person
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that I don't know gave you your movie
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recommendations the person who helped
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you do your taxx Returns the person that
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you know gave you your physical contact
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so it's important for people when they
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are grieving to understand and
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acknowledge their secondary losses
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because doing so enables you to feel
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less overwhelmed like why is this grief
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just hitting me on all sides at all
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times and that's because there are so
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many secondary
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losses okay so finally um I I'm going to
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leave you this slide and I think it's
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really helpful for you guys just to
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think about um this in your own life
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like when have you managed to already
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coope with loss and what has helped you
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do
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so who were the people there for
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you what did you learn