Pūtahi Hauora
Defence Health HubDaily Dialogue (Short)
Daily Dialogue (Short)
00:07
okay so the daily dialogue is a
00:12
slightly more complicated dialogue but
00:14
it's really designed to replace that
00:17
that conversation that couples often
00:20
have you know often at the end of the
00:22
day hey han how was your day and i was
00:23
fine how was your day fine which doesn't
00:25
really give a lot of information about
00:27
what's going on and
00:29
and what it means is you end up over
00:31
time just assuming you know
00:33
you know what's going on in your
00:34
partner's world and so if that happens
00:37
the busier you get the more likely you
00:39
are to disconnect and also you stop
00:42
experiencing each other as a
00:44
as a stress
00:46
reducing resource and so all of us have
00:49
a need to feel heard to feel understood
00:51
and the daily dialogue is a really
00:53
effective
00:55
way to
00:56
create your partner as that resource
00:59
and so for this um this dialogue we're
01:01
going to start off and um
01:04
and manu is going to say
01:05
hey look i'd like to have a daily
01:07
dialogue it's now a good time
01:09
hey look i would like to have a daily
01:10
dialogue it's now a good time yes it is
01:13
and um and again it's a fairly simple uh
01:16
dialogue uh from the uh
01:19
listeners point of view because all
01:20
they're going to do is ask a few
01:21
questions and so the first question
01:23
she's going to ask is so what's it like
01:25
being in your world
01:26
so what it's like to be in your world
01:29
and what's what's going to happen is
01:31
luke is going to talk for about two to
01:32
three minutes about what it's like in
01:34
his world he's going to talk about how
01:36
he's feeling what's going on at work how
01:38
he feels in the relationship anything
01:39
relevant that that's really happening in
01:42
in his world now we're not going for
01:43
boring work stories and i woke up in the
01:45
morning at eight o'clock and then i got
01:47
up and then i went to the loo and then i
01:48
had a shower we're not doing that stuff
01:50
we're talking about the emotional world
01:52
now if you're not someone who tends to
01:54
talk a lot talk for the full two to
01:56
three minutes if you are someone who
01:57
tends to talk a lot
01:59
shorten it down and talk for the two to
02:01
three minutes so right now
02:03
thank you for asking first of all it's
02:04
really nice for you to ask that uh it's
02:06
a little overwhelming so just balancing
02:10
school work parenting our move our move
02:13
has been really stressful
02:15
dealing with the laundry machine and
02:16
getting for two weeks now trying to get
02:18
the right one
02:20
waiting on all that stuff that was
02:21
stressful
02:22
um
02:23
but it is nice for us to be sleeping in
02:26
a new place that we both love and we've
02:28
both chosen together so that's really
02:29
exciting
02:31
you know that work has been stressful
02:32
i've told you before but it's also
02:35
exciting because
02:36
everything's getting more creative with
02:38
the new projects and writing more and
02:40
having a little more time and space to
02:41
do that
02:43
our relationship really excited all
02:44
about
02:45
all the activities that we're doing
02:46
together dancing going for walks
02:48
meditating at night yoga you know those
02:51
are all the things that are important to
02:52
me so it's really nice that we're doing
02:54
those together
02:56
i think that's about it thank you for
02:57
listening
03:01
and so um so manu is then going to shift
03:04
on to the next question so how are you
03:05
coping with all of that
03:10
and the thing that luke is not going to
03:12
answer is great bad you know we're not
03:14
looking for a judgment we're really just
03:16
trying to find out so what are you doing
03:17
to cope with this i know that i lean on
03:20
all the things that are important to me
03:21
so
03:22
exercise and all that but it still does
03:24
get challenging so it's not always easy
03:27
and i do get easily triggered sometimes
03:29
when jack is around and i'm a little
03:31
overwhelmed or if you and i are tense
03:33
then i may snap a little bit when i
03:36
don't want to so
03:38
while i'm trying my hardest to go up it
03:39
does get a little overwhelming at times
03:44
okay so luke's moved a little a little
03:45
bit into the judgment of what he's doing
03:47
and not so much talking about so he said
03:49
that he's doing exercise but he hasn't
03:51
really told her like what he does when
03:53
you know jack's um his son starts
03:55
annoying him so you know we want to know
03:57
like is he drinking half a bottle of
03:58
whiskey or you know kicking the dog what
04:01
what's the strategy that he's using to
04:03
um to cope in that and so
04:05
when i'm coping and i'm not coping the
04:07
way i want to it's angry i get angry i
04:10
get quick tempered i use i just
04:13
say quick
04:14
mean things rather than actually
04:16
listening and being sort of figuring out
04:18
the situation calmly and attentively the
04:20
way i try to most times
04:26
and so
04:27
and so manus uh is going to listen and
04:29
and the goal here is to create a space
04:31
that luke can just talk about the things
04:33
that he's doing that are working as well
04:35
as the things that he's doing that are
04:36
not working and that manu is going to
04:38
listen without judgment or saying oh you
04:39
know you should be doing this or you
04:41
know maybe you should meditate more or
04:43
or whatever um and then the the last
04:46
question she's going to ask in this case
04:48
will be um so what could i i
04:51
do that might help
04:52
that will help you
04:54
it'd be really nice if we went for a
04:56
walk on the beach tonight
05:00
and so that was a really a good example
05:03
of um that luke gave a very tangible
05:06
specific example so
05:08
what we wouldn't want to see is
05:09
something like uh i'd you know be great
05:11
if you could be more patient or it would
05:13
be great if you could be more supportive
05:14
because that you know you can't do
05:16
anything with that you don't know what
05:17
that looks like but a walk on the beach
05:19
you know manu now has an opportunity and
05:21
a way to be successful
05:23
with luke again and so that's the bit
05:24
that we're aiming for
05:26
and so uh
05:28
manu is going to say thank you for
05:29
sharing thank you for sharing thank you
05:31
for listening
05:39
[Music]
05:48
you
okay so the daily dialogue is a
00:12
slightly more complicated dialogue but
00:14
it's really designed to replace that
00:17
that conversation that couples often
00:20
have you know often at the end of the
00:22
day hey han how was your day and i was
00:23
fine how was your day fine which doesn't
00:25
really give a lot of information about
00:27
what's going on and
00:29
and what it means is you end up over
00:31
time just assuming you know
00:33
you know what's going on in your
00:34
partner's world and so if that happens
00:37
the busier you get the more likely you
00:39
are to disconnect and also you stop
00:42
experiencing each other as a
00:44
as a stress
00:46
reducing resource and so all of us have
00:49
a need to feel heard to feel understood
00:51
and the daily dialogue is a really
00:53
effective
00:55
way to
00:56
create your partner as that resource
00:59
and so for this um this dialogue we're
01:01
going to start off and um
01:04
and manu is going to say
01:05
hey look i'd like to have a daily
01:07
dialogue it's now a good time
01:09
hey look i would like to have a daily
01:10
dialogue it's now a good time yes it is
01:13
and um and again it's a fairly simple uh
01:16
dialogue uh from the uh
01:19
listeners point of view because all
01:20
they're going to do is ask a few
01:21
questions and so the first question
01:23
she's going to ask is so what's it like
01:25
being in your world
01:26
so what it's like to be in your world
01:29
and what's what's going to happen is
01:31
luke is going to talk for about two to
01:32
three minutes about what it's like in
01:34
his world he's going to talk about how
01:36
he's feeling what's going on at work how
01:38
he feels in the relationship anything
01:39
relevant that that's really happening in
01:42
in his world now we're not going for
01:43
boring work stories and i woke up in the
01:45
morning at eight o'clock and then i got
01:47
up and then i went to the loo and then i
01:48
had a shower we're not doing that stuff
01:50
we're talking about the emotional world
01:52
now if you're not someone who tends to
01:54
talk a lot talk for the full two to
01:56
three minutes if you are someone who
01:57
tends to talk a lot
01:59
shorten it down and talk for the two to
02:01
three minutes so right now
02:03
thank you for asking first of all it's
02:04
really nice for you to ask that uh it's
02:06
a little overwhelming so just balancing
02:10
school work parenting our move our move
02:13
has been really stressful
02:15
dealing with the laundry machine and
02:16
getting for two weeks now trying to get
02:18
the right one
02:20
waiting on all that stuff that was
02:21
stressful
02:22
um
02:23
but it is nice for us to be sleeping in
02:26
a new place that we both love and we've
02:28
both chosen together so that's really
02:29
exciting
02:31
you know that work has been stressful
02:32
i've told you before but it's also
02:35
exciting because
02:36
everything's getting more creative with
02:38
the new projects and writing more and
02:40
having a little more time and space to
02:41
do that
02:43
our relationship really excited all
02:44
about
02:45
all the activities that we're doing
02:46
together dancing going for walks
02:48
meditating at night yoga you know those
02:51
are all the things that are important to
02:52
me so it's really nice that we're doing
02:54
those together
02:56
i think that's about it thank you for
02:57
listening
03:01
and so um so manu is then going to shift
03:04
on to the next question so how are you
03:05
coping with all of that
03:10
and the thing that luke is not going to
03:12
answer is great bad you know we're not
03:14
looking for a judgment we're really just
03:16
trying to find out so what are you doing
03:17
to cope with this i know that i lean on
03:20
all the things that are important to me
03:21
so
03:22
exercise and all that but it still does
03:24
get challenging so it's not always easy
03:27
and i do get easily triggered sometimes
03:29
when jack is around and i'm a little
03:31
overwhelmed or if you and i are tense
03:33
then i may snap a little bit when i
03:36
don't want to so
03:38
while i'm trying my hardest to go up it
03:39
does get a little overwhelming at times
03:44
okay so luke's moved a little a little
03:45
bit into the judgment of what he's doing
03:47
and not so much talking about so he said
03:49
that he's doing exercise but he hasn't
03:51
really told her like what he does when
03:53
you know jack's um his son starts
03:55
annoying him so you know we want to know
03:57
like is he drinking half a bottle of
03:58
whiskey or you know kicking the dog what
04:01
what's the strategy that he's using to
04:03
um to cope in that and so
04:05
when i'm coping and i'm not coping the
04:07
way i want to it's angry i get angry i
04:10
get quick tempered i use i just
04:13
say quick
04:14
mean things rather than actually
04:16
listening and being sort of figuring out
04:18
the situation calmly and attentively the
04:20
way i try to most times
04:26
and so
04:27
and so manus uh is going to listen and
04:29
and the goal here is to create a space
04:31
that luke can just talk about the things
04:33
that he's doing that are working as well
04:35
as the things that he's doing that are
04:36
not working and that manu is going to
04:38
listen without judgment or saying oh you
04:39
know you should be doing this or you
04:41
know maybe you should meditate more or
04:43
or whatever um and then the the last
04:46
question she's going to ask in this case
04:48
will be um so what could i i
04:51
do that might help
04:52
that will help you
04:54
it'd be really nice if we went for a
04:56
walk on the beach tonight
05:00
and so that was a really a good example
05:03
of um that luke gave a very tangible
05:06
specific example so
05:08
what we wouldn't want to see is
05:09
something like uh i'd you know be great
05:11
if you could be more patient or it would
05:13
be great if you could be more supportive
05:14
because that you know you can't do
05:16
anything with that you don't know what
05:17
that looks like but a walk on the beach
05:19
you know manu now has an opportunity and
05:21
a way to be successful
05:23
with luke again and so that's the bit
05:24
that we're aiming for
05:26
and so uh
05:28
manu is going to say thank you for
05:29
sharing thank you for sharing thank you
05:31
for listening
05:39
[Music]
05:48
you