Building Blocks for Healthy Relationships

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okay Kyoto warm welcome to everyone to our panelists and to those streaming in
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and maybe those to those also um watching this later on uh this is our
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panel on healthy relationships um building blocks and we have um some
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wonderful health care and well-being providers um in the NF with us this
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morning um so yeah delighted to host this webinar today um I'll start us off
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with a K that we use in defense Health
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Manu Manu
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[Music] so perhaps if um panelists are
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comfortable if you um remain unmuted that's probably easy we can um share the
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talking Rao amongst us um so I'd like to invite you to introduce yourselves and
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give us an introduction to your role um who you are and what your um what your
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role is on your Bas or camp or region thank you so I'll pass over to um
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Elijah thanks Elijah go Coto uh my name is Elijah Peters I'm one of the army
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Chaplin located in Linton um military Camp uh you might be picking up from the
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accent uh I am an amera kiwi I like to say my family my wife and I rather
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immigrated here in 2008 and worked in pastoral Ministry in West Auckland until
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um I joined the Defense Force and um posted down here to Lenton in uh 2021 so
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uh fairly new in the role in many ways um but enjoying it uh quite a lot I I
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learn a lot every single day um there's a lot I know that I can contribute in this space but um it has been a
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beautiful um role to be involved in so far getting to meet so many amazing and
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Fascinating People hearing their stories and as far as my particular role in Camp
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I'm also the coordinating chaplain in the camp so part of my job is just to um
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to empower our chaplain here in uh Linton um to deliver our chapy service
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to our soldiers
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thanks Elijah deia thank you
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[Music] Elijah so my name isia Snell um I am the
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sea for um hakia e Force Space and Wu
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military Camp as well so I cover that that part of the central region
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um and I'll talk a little bit about Sapa soon uh so from the mon or I grew up around this area in various places and
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am currently in Fielding um and I work in sexual
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violence so that brings me to uh the role that I've been doing for coming up
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three years now so uh sapra standing for uh sexual assault prevention and
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response advisor a lot of people um aren't really sure what a sapra does and
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to be fair it took me a little while um of being in the role before I could um
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understand it let alone explain it myself uh so we just break up the acronym and it helps us to go through
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the various aspects of our role so um sexual assault even though uh that
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refers to high-end um crimes we also cover inappropriate behaviors if you've
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seen the Continuum that we use that's at pris use of sexual behavior we have
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green appropriate behavior uh yellow and appropriate behavior uh through to
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Orange which we consider to be uh sexual harassment for the most part and then
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moving into the red which is sexual offenses so despite our name referring to sexual assault we actually uh work
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across the board in and all ranges of um harmful sexual behavior and uh so the
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meaning prevention we do um a lot of Workshops the one that people will know
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us primarily for is the sexual ethics and respectful relationships Workshop
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which all Personnel are required to do and we gather those people uh fairly
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early on in their training um last week I was with um 180 odd recruits and Wu
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trying to complete that workshop for everybody so that's a big part of our role but we do other workshops on
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various uh topics related to sexual violence prevention as well uh the response part of our um of our role is
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uh unfortunately um similar to the statistics that we have out in the community um the Defense Force is not
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immune to sexual violence um although we have great support in place um and so
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respones when we work with people who have been affected by sexual violence and finally the um advisory
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part probably gets our paycheck actually um so we work a lot with command or and
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the response phase primarily um just providing our professional uh opinion on
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how best to manage cases um particularly when we're talking about mitigating any risk related to sexual harm and we also
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provide advice to our wonderful colleagues uh whether that be other saas or the um other providers in our
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respective are areas so um a little longer than um then maybe explaining
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some of the other roles um but I think that's a great part of our role as it is so so diverse and we're dealing with a
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whole range of of different behaviors and uh it starts with healthy relationships so as I said at the
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beginning although in TI or M I'm very happy to be here so uh thank you for having
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me thank you deia Mel can we pass over to you
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I am the social worker alongside my colleague Lisa here at the Naval Base um
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Naval base and um our role here is social recus is to support our Sailors
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our families and our civilians of the ncdf um anyone on our base with anything
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that is on top worrying for them or needing some additional support uh we work here
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now and um we get all sorts of referrals
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um how we can be support and we don't have a minimum or maximum amount of times that we can see someone we really
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just um go for what the needers and and go from there thank you for having me
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today thanks M that's scratch and Gordon uh Gordon Milwood background Army
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infantry I've commanded right through the organization up to including L component Commander until I chose
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voluntarily re reverted and that included um command of New Zealand and Multinational forces offshore last eight
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and a half years I've been full-time with Institute of leader development uh leading and supporting our lead systems
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and Lead cap leader development but also of the last four years of that eight and a half years I was asked to design lead
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then implement the Pacific leader development program and we've managed to successfully establish leadership
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programs and capabilities with four Pacific Partners papini Fiji R R2 and
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Tonga um currently I live on the cap Coast uh with my wonderful partner Mandy and my
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beautiful daughters Laura and Hannah we've got a dog three cats two chickens and a paddock of pukekos some grass and
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the occasional feasant uh my son Greg and his partner J uh in the Apple growing business and live in the Hawks
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Bay with their four children and we it was for another grand child on the way
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which is great my current role uh with the 15 January this year was to take up the lead of op respect and we've managed
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to we're building building the aircraft as we're flying this with the refresh program I've been concurrently uh
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refreshing the strategy which is now out and hopefully you've all seen it or at least had access to it uh let a
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refreshed op respect strategy and have managed to this week in fact this coming week our our last person will have
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joined the our team of around seven uh I'll talk more about op respect
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uh during the answers to some of my other questions but thank you for inviting me to be here and it's uh I'm looking forward to listening to everyone
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thank you wonderful thanks Gordon uh so just to introduce myself briefly as well
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I'm Sarah Ting working in integrated Wellness as an advisor um and it's been
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great to be part of wellbeing organizing well-being month 2024 um I'll also say that we did hope
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to have another panelist who was unable to make it um one of our defense community facilitators so they're also
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on all temps and bases and helping to um support our personnel and also family
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and Faro um so there might be some mention of them as we go as
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well cool so let's jump into um the question oh excuse me um deia would you
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like to kick off uh for us um thank you so the question um that I have is what
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do you think are the key ingredients for a healthy relationship yeah sure thank you Sarah
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um a very um relevant question to the work that saas do and I mentioned
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earlier that we we cover the sir or the sexual ethics and respectful relationships course that um all people
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are required to um participate in and one of within the first 20 minutes we
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begin speaking about healthy relationships and um while we can
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acknowledge and all people who work in sexual violence will um be able to sit
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in a room for hours and talk about all of the various qualities that make up a healthy
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relationship um we we don't have that long uh not just today but in our
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workshops so we boil it down to four key qualities and uh the first one probably
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to no s no surprise to many people is consent and while we as saas do talk
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about sex a lot we're not just talking about consent in that context we're talking about consent across the board
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of varying relationships friendships work colleagues family relationships and
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that's it's that General um understanding of what it is that we um
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putting in and getting out of a relationship and then we move to uh probably a key feature in the work of
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saas which is safety another very important quality that um makes up
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healthy relationships and uh something that we talk about a lot in defense um not just
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within our relationships with each other but um with the um outside of the the
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people Safety Systems but further than that as well um and thirdly respect
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boundaries is a big thing that we talk about in our workshops and something that I um as deia think is is very
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important in relationships as well and and being able to be open and accepting
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of diversity encouraging diversity we know that that um amounts to strength um
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it was great to see the results of the poll survey of what um the organization thinks about diversity which is
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fantastic and then finally um probably a quality that is not
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necessarily um one that people would think saas would talk about because um there's a view that saas only deal with
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really awful things um but in order to prevent awful things we really want to focus on the positives so um one of the
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fourth quality that um we will talk about as um important to a healthy
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relationship is pleasure and again I'm not just talking about sexual relationships we enter relationships for
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for positive reasons whether that be positive experience through experiences throughout the relationship or an
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outcome or end point where uh people have been affected in some way and if we
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can employ and um value the other aspects that I talked about as well um
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we we do so in a positive way so uh consent safety respect and um pleasure
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are four of the key qualities that I as a SAA and and personally I think are
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very very important um ingredients for healthy relationships so I hope that
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that answers that question okay and um I will hand that over to
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Melia um thinking about um what makes a healthy quality relationship um bouncing
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off your your note about pleasure um one of the things that I really feel passionate about is that you want your
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partner to be your biggest fan you want them to be there um through all the challenges that life throws at you the
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good bad and everything in between um one of the things that comes to mind
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thinking about that is the work of some of the work of bro Brown who is a social
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worker theorist in the US um and one of the things that Bren Brown talks about is that um Coming being in a
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relationship it's not that every day you're going to bring 50 and your partner's going to bring 50 make up the
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100 there's going to be days where you have 30 in your tank you had a really
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hard day at work great stress the children are doing your thing um you've got 30 in your tank and you need your
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partner to bring that 70% to make up that hole and vice versa um so that's
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something that really comes to my mind um the other thing that um I think about is about connection and bond and finding
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little moments in your day um to have little rituals to um make sure that you
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are connecting with your person and um it's easy to become passengers or or kind of passes by in the night um but
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like rituals and uh for example it might be um when one is already home from work
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and one is arriving home from work or they have been um to meet at the doorway or the leader box and just have a moment
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together um before you go inside to take on the children take on the dinner take on the work that needs to be done inside
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the home but just finding some way it may not be that way it might be any way that you pick but just finding some way
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to create RS in your routine to connect um I will hand over to Chapan
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Elijah please thank you yeah I'll uh maybe add a couple um
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from from the chaplain and and from my own personal perspective I think it's really important for healthy
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relationships to have checkpoints and I guess whenever I'm referring to relationships here I'm also thinking
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about about any kind of uh relationship from Friendship parenting uh spouse
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partner um work colleague there are keys I think in healthy relationships in each
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of these spaces so the checkpoint in my mind is something that kind of serves the purpose of combining the ideas of
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setting boundaries uh establishing good rhythms of communication and routine um
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combining them all a checkpoint is just a a point in time that you set aside to
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to check in to see how things are where there can be things that are improved it
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is communication but it's also being willing to listen um it's it is making
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sure that you have boundaries but it's being open to the fact that sometimes boundaries need to evolve and change it
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is about setting routine um but it's also about being open to change and
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growth in that space and so um periodic checkpoints I think about it from a parenting perspective how important it
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is to check in with your kids in regular intervals maybe not becoming overbearing
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but um they're changing so much they're growing so much and so it's so important
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that we um make and carve out time to to check in to see where they're at for
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them to hear where we're at so that communication um and so that growth can
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be um achieved um I also think that it's really important to develop some um well
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resil developing resilience in a relationship is important and I think that there's a spiritual as aspect to it not just um
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the Taha WIA perspective of Health but but rather engaging relationally in
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conversations that speak to our dreams to our hopes to our ideas and values our
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purposes and our beliefs but also being open to discussion around fears and concerns maybe even regrets um and then
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finding space uh for Faith or those things that interest you that that transcend sort of the physical and the
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tangible I think engaging in that space is going to ensure that um you develop a
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lot of resilience in a relationship I likes the point um to raise about ber Brown in the work that she's done in
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these spaces and I think about how she refers to uh vulnerability as a strength
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and I think being able to lean into this spiritual space enables us to discover a
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kind of strength in a relationship then um you can't um you can't fabricate any
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other way um so it does link to I I believe a later question that we have
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about courageous conversations but I think it sits in that space um and I like your point deia about pleasure and
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I think about um being willing to do some scary things at times um I'm not
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saying dangerous things per se but having um a perspective towards looking
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for fun um enjoying time with one another and cultivating a relationship with the people around you uh that has
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enough trust to do some things that gets you outside of your comfort zone um and
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able to do some things that generate or create some really special memories with teams or within um within relationships
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um of All Sorts um I've got other points but um I think the last thing just to
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say is a key ingredient for a healthy relationship is for is to be open to intergenerational relationships there a
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lot of wisdom um that's that we can look into from the past we also have an eye
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towards the future so um relationships aren't just for the here and now it's
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honoring the full spectrum of relationships and um hearing from from both sides of today um as as it informs
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what it means to have a healthy
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relationship I guess that's me team look thank you very much I've really enjoyed everyone's insightful
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commentary I might just start my answer I'll build on what everyone else has said I just one agree with everything that's been shared so I'll try to add
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something from my own experience uh I might start by saying my thinking and approach to Wellness is
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holistic uh it's about achieving and maintaining a balance between Body Mind and Spirit now as I've aged over time
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and I'm now 65 I've kind of learned that that's really important and there have been plenty of times in my life when
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that balance wasn't there so certainly that balance and I'd just build a bit on what Elijah was saying
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too you have to it's the whole the whole person the whole life experience I think
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is important um in terms of key ingredients I've just spent eight and a half years
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just focusing on leader which is really people development uh and Leadership fundamentally is around trust-based
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relationships and communication it's inspiring others to want to do what you ask them not using Authority in any form
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require people to have to so building on that I think it um it was a great
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question I thought what can I add of value that may be slightly different here I think
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self-awareness by both people in a relationship about the positive and
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negative effects of their behaviors on others because none of us are perfect we all have strengths and uh some of those
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strengths when they overplayed become the negatives and there are things that we can do that have negative effect on
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others so if it to understand the impact and effect we have on others I think is important and I and then also um the
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willingness to try to do something about grow the positive effects and work hard
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to minimize or you know utopian way eliminate the negative effects I think
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of both people in a part partnership are committed to self-awareness and that
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sort of mindset and growth I think then you can have a really healthy relationship if only one person's doing
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that that's imbalanced and that that can become a challenge but I think still worth doing but I think that's really
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important I think when you have both people trying to do that in terms of deepening and uh growing the positives
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and minimizing the negatives I think over time then you've really can develop open communication and and um a deep
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respectful understanding of each other uh you know mutual respect can
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come from that no one having dominance or to control the other but I generally just someone mentioned that
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the 30 70% thing I mean doesn't stay this this beautiful equilibrium all the time it changes but I think if both both
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partners are making an effort to restore the equilibrium then that works uh and
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then from that over time comes real trust uh and that requires demonstrated
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compassion consistent Behavior Uh not emotional storms and all the rest of it
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Integrity about doing what we say we're going to do and what a term relationship competence actually putting something
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making an effort not not one person making the effort all the time it's kind of kind to be mutual effort so I think
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these are all adding to what you've all said are useful things to consider in a healthy
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relationship great thank you everybody um our next question is how does your role encourage relationships to be
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healthy so can I pass over to m kick us off thank
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you sure um in our work and in social
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work we see the impacts when of different factors when relationships are
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under pressure um and there the kind of areas that we will work with people on
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and and by decreasing stress in in various areas of someone's life the Overflow to the
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relationship is also a positive one and by like those s of things I'm talking about like finances managing Financial
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um challenges or um supporting families when their loved one is deployed to let
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them know that they are going to be okay um we do do quite a lot of work around communication and what it means to have
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meaningful insightful conversations and we also um support
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around learning strategies around managing anger and frustration um so our um
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work is quite varied whether it's directly connected to the relationship or or kind of a a flow on effect um we
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do have access to um couples counseling um across New Zealand um so that is
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something that we can also refer out to if people want to um talk about their relationships and work on those outside
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of the wi um but we're also very happy to talk about relationships and our look
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as well thanks
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I will pass over to Gordon
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please thank you Mill um so op respect I'll talk a little bit more about the
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program because it it does directly uh impact well indirectly but over time
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will impact with our relationships so the it's a 20-year culture change program and it's a a
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refresh program and defense has got really serious about investing in this um the vision now is to uh grow cultural
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safe and cohesive teams that at the organizational level and will enhance NG
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ngd's operational effectiveness retention recruiting and reputation
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Etc uh how we'll achieve this is by working with injured defs leadership at all levels Mill and civilian uh to
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progressively eliminate inappropriate and harmful behaviors that erods
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relationships between people and the safety and cohesion of teams so that's kind of the op respect
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Focus uh and this includes things you've already spoken about and areas that you
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all work with now all the time discrimination arrestment and bullying unwanted harmful sexual behaviors
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Etc however at the same time we are very focused on reinforcing the positive behaviors that will uh build
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relationships between people and increase the safety and cohesion of our team and that that all those sorts of
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behavior statements and all the rest of it are woven into our bicultural leadership framework and that's kind of
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what good looks like and I think we're all aware of those things
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um but fundamentally this is a leadership challenge for every single leader in our organization from lead
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self which is everybody right through to lead or you know CDF at the top Etc and also for people that come in and
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work with our organization uh it's our contractors and all the people that have indirect contact too because we want to
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create an environment where we really promote healthy relationships the supportive positive relationships
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between people and a very clear around what we won't tolerate and what is inappropriate and harmful
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Etc um so that's kind of the the big overarching thing so clearly it's a
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about creating a a permissive environment for doing the right thing and a permissive environment for making sure that we challenge the inappropriate
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and harmful behaviors that are still very much in our organization as as we're aware I mean
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you're all working dealing with people who are on the receiving end or perhaps
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uh have been dishing out some of these behaviors so you're all doing this amazing work at that cold face with with
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our people who need help in in in all forms of needing that help so that's
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probably my part of this and I'm really Keen to hear uh some more from you thank
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you thanks Gordon Elijah
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part of the um part of what a chaplain adds in this space I believe is that we
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have worked in the Pastoral Care space prior to joining and so we've developed
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various tools and skill sets through our experiences working in groups and
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communities and diverse um uh you know
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environments um to help people uh help restore relation ships to to rebuild or
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to add value in those spaces and so um we come from that and I think one of the
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things that we don't get the same kind of demographic in the Defense Force as
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what we experienced before we join um but there's a greater spread of Ages and
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generations um in the Pastoral experiences that we had prior to coming in and so we kind of come in with this
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generational approach to how we are going to maybe solve some problems and
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and support people um towards recovery and so I think that's a key point is that we're probably always thinking
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where are the kids in this um you know what what's the role that perhaps your parents have had in this space um you
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know where where are you moving towards what's what what is your why what is your purpose in your family what's your
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mission statement if you will um but also just kind of understanding that
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whole or um larger picture we also support um life at every phase so
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throughout the course of the work that we would have done prior to joining we would have supported people from the
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Cradle to the Grave and everything in between and so um I think that just
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exposes a lot of chaplain to um approaches or solutions that um that are
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often quite unique and and so um I think
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how that might help or encourage healthy relationships is that we can potentially
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offer a perspective that isn't um as widely known um I also think that when
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you work with a chaplain you're going to get something that is fundamentally um hopeful um at its core
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I think if and and I and I use this word intentionally if there's any validity to
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um our faith I think that we can be we can be nothing short of hopeful that perhaps nothing is
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too um far gone that it can't be recovered nothing is too far challenged that it can't um can't be made whole
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again there's um you know perhaps a relationship is dissolved but and and damage has been done but um your best
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can still be ahead you know I think there's just you know not without not trying to sound cliche but I think
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having this this hope full perspective that a good can come from whatever it is
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that you're experiencing or that everything or anything that you are experiencing can even be improved or
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made better that hopeful perspective I think um really shapes the way that
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chaplain um seek to tackle challenges or problems around them and and and unless
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a chaplain is running away I think someone else should think that there's reason to have hope um in the situation
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that we're working through and I know that's the case for any of the any of our well-being teams that if they're on your side I think you've got some of the
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the best people working with you um through whatever relationship situation
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you're in and so um I think that alone is reason to be hopeful but um that's
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sort of the key word from the chaplain side of things and uh deia I'll I'll
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pass it to you thank you Elijah I'm gonna answer
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this question a little differently um than than perhaps how I had planned
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to when I looked at um sort of what we would be answering um so I've changed my mind in the last just hearing the
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wonderful things that um others are saying and within sexual violence work
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with even some of the documents that set use I could provide sort of a textbook
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answer to this question but instead I'm going to go with um something that um I think and I wouldn't
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like to speak on behalf of other saas but we have had many conversations about this um the stigma attached to our role
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and that's for a range of reasons um one being when saas came in in in 2016 and
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um the difficulties that um that the organization found with working with the
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person at the time who was was the sapra um and um you know a brand new notion
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coming into defense as well trying to um work with a a huge topic and issue but
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also um I I'm not ashamed to say that we don't have a lot of friends in defense
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we don't walk into the cafeteria and suddenly swarms of people are coming to hang out with us and in fact it's almost
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like they're running in the opposite direction and um I've only been in the role for three years but when I think
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about my colleagues who've been in for um a lot longer than myself and some of the experiences that they had when they
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first came into this organization was um was very much like that um they people
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didn't want to speak with them people thought of the sapis coming um into the unit something terrible has happened uh
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very much associated with um horrible things and um I feel and some of my colleagues
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have said they also feel that we're at a point now where we are seen as people and um we are seen as people who make
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mistakes people who are competitive people who are struggling to um pay our
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bills people who um are crazy about cats just very basic General things about
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about us that we share with a lot of people in the organization and um I
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think that hopefully that really Baseline we're all here for the same reason to get a job done and to go home
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at the end of it feeling proud of the work that we've done and the contribution that we've made to the organization um it kind of just strips
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away that negativity a little bit and a reminder that um we all have a part to
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play and and building positive relationships and for that is preventing um sexual
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harm and I think when I can go to work and feel like I'm not been run from um
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and and invited to things and um you know our our Viewpoint is is valued and
35:36
um people make jokes with us and they're not too scared to do so I'm really hopeful that um that that in in doing so
35:44
we are contributing to demonstrating that all relationships are important and valuable as other people that make up
35:51
those relationship so kind of answered that in a sideways way um but hopefully it makes
35:57
sense to to some people thank you that's great thank you de and
36:03
everybody okay so we'll turn to our next question about tools and what what tools might you recommend for navigating
36:09
extended time away from loved ones which isly really topical for our
36:15
Personnel um Gordon would you like to start us off thank
36:24
you sorry I was trying to unmute my mute button on the screen which was really clever than I remembered uh just thank
36:32
you for the sharing and uh what everyone's saying it's great and uh really heard you D I could really just
36:39
felt for you just as you took us on that journey of what it's been like to be a sea and really appreciated that I've got
36:45
to say from my perspective and my role this just listening to all is just like gold it really is um anyway question
36:54
what tools do I advocate for navigating time away from loved ones I guess um having kind of and we've all
37:02
been through this to various levels uh certainly experienced that uh on
37:07
operations and deployed Etc think one of the things I've learned over and I'm not I'm not sitting here as an expert by the
37:14
way my advice on relationships comes from making lots of mistakes and and learning from some of them along the way
37:21
I just wanted to clear that I think making a real effort to build and maintain healthy relationships with your
37:26
loved ones before you go away is really really important and you know I was a bit slow
37:32
on learning that at times and if possible resolve any outstanding issues that are having a negative impact on the
37:38
relationship before going away so that time investing in the relationship is never never
37:44
wasted the that the next thing is when you are going to go away have a plan that you develop with with your loved
37:53
ones but what do I mean by that so certainly agreement and commitment to reg times to Comm to communicate that
38:00
meets everyone's needs it can take time to figure out what everyone's needs is
38:06
uh I think regular updates on the week ahead to keep some sort of understanding
38:12
connection and involvement in each other's not lives so when you're deployed you obviously want to keep understand what your family's up to the
38:18
family also wants to have some understanding of what you're up to because we all love each other so if I
38:25
care about what my family's up to they obviously care about what I'm up to so that open communication obviously
38:31
within certain boundaries of security Etc what to do if Communications stop
38:38
because sometimes they do and it could be on the deployed person's part or the the family's part and I think it's very
38:45
important to have other people friends family work colleagues Etc who can be contacted so it's not just a complete
38:52
silence to find what what's going on what's Happening and there's usually really good reasons for it uh but when
38:58
you don't know you start making up stories around why has the communication stopped which doesn't
39:04
help what to do in an emergency um who who to and how to contact others for
39:10
help with with in the organization through headquarters and Sops and all the rest of it but also in the community
39:16
with uh friends family uh colleagues Etc I think you need to work through that so
39:23
not having to make it up in the emergency and obviously modern it which we're
39:29
using now and there's a whole bunch of other forms of it to uh help so use it
39:36
um and very importantly really work hard to establish real support structures for
39:41
all the people those at home and those who are going away and that's also on uh
39:47
us as operators who to deploy to not pretend that we're involved and vulnerable but
39:53
actually uh build the support structures around us and for others uh in terms of resilience for everyone
40:00
involved for those at home and those those away that're just my thoughts thank
40:07
you oh so I will pass on to
40:18
Mel BR and a lot of overlapping with my
40:25
my thoughts as well um the things that I was thinking as
40:31
well just like flexibility think and
40:38
so try not if you're try not to
40:54
be looks like we might have lost M moment materially
41:02
um so I think flexibility and thinking is not
41:09
taking I think IO the connection's not the easiest M
41:15
but keep going hello
41:31
ah we have lost you okay Elijah would you like to pick up please yes um some
41:37
of the recommendations I'd give to a couple or to family or significant
41:42
relationships before spending some extended time apart is to to identify all of your
41:49
touch points and then rank those touch points um for their quality or value to
41:56
you so what I mean by a touch point is that you know it could be a particular
42:01
game you play on your phone um you know that's a touch point that you have with a a a loved one or a family member or a
42:08
relationship um perhaps you share an interest in a sport or particular music
42:14
or one of your touch points is liking to surprise one another with a particular
42:19
gift um or it could be a particular chat app that you use um and uh it could be
42:25
that you're sending snaps or reals to each other just for those little quick laughs um and then phone calls uh or
42:33
video calls and the list could go on but identify all of those touch points that
42:39
you already currently have and then and then rank those because I think it will be important to know that if you end up
42:45
spending a lot more time connecting with this this loved one or relationship in a
42:52
way that um is of lower value you may find that over time
42:57
you're fine uh but then over time it it begins to deplete you or you find that
43:03
you're a bit depleted so just identify all the touch points you use make sure there's as much intentionality uh in
43:09
this space as possible because it may be that take away the touch point of being together and there's not a lot of
43:16
connection that you have and so it will need to be able to last it will need to be able to survive distance I say that
43:23
as a person you know I've you know a lot of us don't live where are our where we grew up or where our parents are
43:29
currently but I'm I'm more than 8,000 miles away from my parents and um I
43:34
spent my entire career um that far away and so just realizing that the touch
43:39
points evolve um sometimes they aren't already there the technology hasn't come about yet but there's new things new
43:46
tools all the time so just identify those touch points rank them and then see where you may find something is
43:54
lacking um as far as re- enging I think it's important to think about the end at the beginning which is
44:03
that you'll be coming back together with a person at some point after an extended time away I would think that at least
44:10
what's been most valuable to me is to re-engage in neutral territory um which
44:17
really doesn't have to be anything significant but when you leave home you
44:22
have left a lot of responsibilities behind that the family or friends pick
44:28
up in your absence it could be a dog um could be responsibilities around a home that you flat in but it also could be in
44:35
a family environment there's lots of little roles that you are no longer serving family members or friends step
44:41
up into the space when you come back there does need to be a bit of a renegotiation don't make assumptions
44:47
that you're just going to pick up exactly what you were doing before um because you will be stepping on a lot of toes you'll be demoting people there's
44:54
all the subconscious stuff going on here but you'll be demoting people people out of roles that they've done perhaps a really good job at while you've been
45:00
gone and so my ENC my encouragement would be to find a neutral place to re
45:06
uh connect because in that instance everyone has to kind of let go of the routines let go of the responsibilities
45:13
and then the renegotiation phase coming back into that environment is a little bit smoother in my experience um I'll
45:21
leave it with those two tips just for time's sake thanks sir
45:31
I'm conscious of the time and my lack of skills in this area outside of um my
45:38
role a little bit so rather than trying to answer a question that doesn't necessarily relate too much to our work
45:45
I'll um I'll do a pass and refer to the wonderful tips that my colleagues have just um given thanks Julia no problem uh
45:54
so just a reminder you can put your um question questions in the Q&A box at the bottom of the webinar uh we have a
46:01
couple just to finish up with um what tips can you share for having courageous conversations de would you like to
46:07
address that sure and I'll try to do it quickly I we have lots of tips in in our work
46:15
about such as staying engaged writing a bit of a a script that you can practice
46:20
beforehand with other people but one thing that I myself have found really valuable um
46:28
especially within sexual violence work where people may not necessarily have the experience the resources or the
46:34
skills um or emotionally be able to do so to do this um to have courageous
46:41
conversations is um to actually um ask somebody the question
46:47
well what advice would you give somebody in that who's in the same situation as yourself and I found that that question
46:54
is quite helpful because what it does is still acknowledges the resources and the
47:00
skills um that the person has while removing them as much as we're able to
47:06
from the emotional attachments to the situation when they're able to think about somebody else in the in the
47:12
situation so asking somebody what would your advice be to somebody else in your
47:17
situation um is probably the uh my response to that question um and I have
47:23
found that um yeah people have responded quite well um to that in the moment so
47:29
that's that's my one and I'll pass it to
47:36
Gordon uh thanks deia uh great that's a great question to ask by the way it's a
47:41
powerful question um I think for me uh right up front uh I've kind of
47:48
learned this a hard way decide on when you have to act I to have the conversation because it it is
47:55
situationally dependency dependent I mean if it's an emergency
48:01
and there's life and death stuff obviously got to act immediately but not every Situation's life and death and I
48:08
think use the time you have to prepare well and be very clear on the why the what and how of the conversation what I
48:14
mean by the why be clear on the purpose what's the desired or needed outcome or effect of the conversation I think it's
48:20
always useful other what uh and I've kind of learned this the hard way too take the
48:26
time to be less wrong about everything I mean my way I look at the world now and everything is my thoughts my
48:33
appreciation of what's going on is always wrong but if I work really hard I can be less wrong because none of us
48:39
have total awareness of of all the facts we just never do um and make a real
48:47
effort to understand what the real issue is before acting and or deciding once again time
48:52
dependent and certainly depending on the urgency try to avoid jumping to
48:58
conclusions or acting in haste and perhaps making things worse rather than better so certainly learned that and the
49:05
how really take time to understand the other person their situation and their likely
49:11
mindset and I think preparing and thinking about that then think about the environment the time and the conditions
49:16
in which the person we're going to engage in the courageous conversation with will be most able to be receptive
49:24
to the conversation you know do they need time to calm down if agitated or do
49:29
they need some more support so they can be in a better mental physical or
49:35
spiritual uh condition for the conversation uh just just thinking about
49:40
all those things and it's different every single time because we're all unique people I'll now pass on
49:49
to Elijah and I might just see if Mel's
49:56
audio is working again if you'd like to speak to the question about having courageous
50:01
conversations thank you alah give it a go and hopefully I don't leave you um so you guys have been very well
50:10
touched on like the um how to have a courageous conversation I think um what
50:17
I'll bring to this is some ideas about what other challenges and courageous
50:22
conversations that quickly turn it into a um not a positive experience and
50:29
taking from the work of gotman I think they things that we need to be really aware of when we are having difficult
50:35
conversations is that aspects there there's four it's called The Four Horsemen um criticism um contentment
50:44
defensiveness and stonewalling so these are natural things that can come out when we feel like we're put on the spot
50:51
or when we're being challenged so just a real awareness set
50:56
these are the things that are quickly going to bring down that conversation to being not able to be heard achieved what
51:02
you want it to be um that's something that I'm quite aware of in my work and
51:08
often when couples are having challenges when they explain the situations and how things are going up these are factors
51:15
that present and so um yeah what Gordon
51:21
B is saying is quite the opposite of how how to stay away from those things into to do he those meaningful quality
51:28
courageous conversations the um the movie We Bought
51:34
a Zoo um has given us quite a a a memorable quote about needing only 20
51:41
seconds of Courage um I like to remind people that you don't need to have
51:46
strength for forever you you only need strength for a period of time to get through um
51:53
something that may be quite difficult and so um it's just reminding them to bring
51:59
them back to the moment in time right here right now um you only need courage for today you don't need courage for
52:05
tomorrow's challenges in the in the days to follow you have a courageous conversation right now and you're on the
52:10
fence I'm sure if you can have it um just remember you only need 20 seconds of courage to get the ball rolling and
52:16
then uh um I think a little bit of Faith you're coming together with someone you
52:22
care about uh whether it's your own U family or friend friend and just
52:27
trusting that um some good can come from it as long as you get the ball rolling so follow these other great tips um but
52:34
just realize you don't need Infinite Strength you just need enough to get the conversation
52:41
going that's a great quote thank you everyone for what you've shared really rich and um insightful so we do have a
52:49
question from an audience member um we talk a lot about the effects of deployments on our service
52:55
people and their families the nzdf has done a lot of good work in the space I'm interested in the panel's
53:01
view of unaccompanied postings and and the effects that has on the family unit and relationships and forc separation
53:08
from family creates unnecessary stress and strain on relationships ultimately impacting the well-being of the family
53:14
and individual's productivity um I wonder if we might um ask Mel if we could put the spotlight on
53:20
you because your previous response to this related question was um slightly truncated
53:27
um I definitely look to my oppos here to help me answer this question um I it is
53:34
it's evident it's unavoidable that it's going to put stress and pressures on the
53:40
um families and when people are separated that is um definitely true one
53:46
of the things of our challenges is getting beyond the service person and out to the families so if there is
53:52
something that we can do in that space to support a family that is experiencing that challenge us being able to access
53:59
them is half of it so I guess it's looking for the service person to make sure that they have the social workers
54:05
number that they have the Family Support officers number referring in the in the
54:10
Gort sense because we are here to support and we can often make even a
54:15
little positive difference but just that connectionist we have different um groups that we run like on a Monday have
54:22
moms and BBs um and we are quite often when people are leave behind it it's it's actually the
54:29
the individuals like the um a couple without any children it's it's often that that person in the couple that's
54:36
left behind that does struggle so if we can do something to know that there's two people or a few people in that
54:41
situation and Link them and together comes back to the power of
54:50
connection maybe weigh in um briefly I think the impact is actually evolving as
54:57
well I think in um previous years and decades um a lot of households were
55:03
single income households and um I think that an unaccompanied posting was
55:09
probably challenging at all times in all eras um but I think it's becoming
55:15
particularly more challenging because most households required two incomes and
55:21
if you want to enjoy some of the joys of of having children um it adds even more challenge in that
55:30
space of unaccompanied posting and so um I'm certainly um quite empathetic of our um
55:38
our enlisted who are in those kinds of situations I certainly wouldn't wish it upon them but I would also really
55:46
encourage for it to um to be temporary as much as it can be um lengthy
55:52
unaccompanied postings um um are are just very very difficult I I see very
55:59
few great examples um but um I know they can exist that's the hopeful side of me
56:06
um but I do advise against it if it can be possible yeah thank you all it's a real it's a very real challenge um I've
56:14
just put in the chat the health website where you can find um more information and contact details for all the um
56:22
wellbeing providers uh in Z and also some of the external providers you can access and that your F and family can
56:29
access um so thank you all uh very much for your time and your contribution
56:35
today it's really valuable um it will go on the health um site in zdf um Health
56:41
Hub um puto order as a resource going forward um and yeah really encourage everybody to reach out to your local uh
56:48
wellbeing providers um including the defense community facilitators and um
56:54
Naval um Theon as well thank you um so I'll ask Elijah to um
57:00
say kak here for us to conclude our panel today thank you this
57:06
is go like
57:17
this go well everyone thanks all