Understanding anger

Te mārama ki te riri

Managing anger

Understanding and managing anger is crucial for maintaining emotional wellbeing and fostering healthy relationships. Anger can serve as a signal that something is wrong or that our boundaries have been crossed.

However, when anger becomes overwhelming or is expressed in harmful ways, it can lead to personal and interpersonal issues.​ Here are some tips for managing and regulating anger:

1. Identify your triggers by reflecting on the situations, people, or events that commonly provoke your anger. Understanding these triggers can help you anticipate and manage your responses.​
2. Identify what physical sensations you experience when you are feeling angry. This might be increased heart rate, muscle tension, or feeling hot. Noticing these reactions as they happen builds your self-awareness and gives you more choice about how you manage the situation. 
3. Relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, meditation, or progressive muscle relaxation, can help reduce calm your nervous system. 
4. Challenge and reframe negative thoughts that fuel anger. For instance, instead of thinking, "This is unbearable" consider "This is frustrating, but I can handle it".​
5. Approach situations that cause anger with a problem-solving mindset. Focus on finding solutions rather than dwelling on the problem.​
6. Work on your communication skills. Practice expressing your feelings calmly and assertively using "I" statements that can help convey your perspective without blaming others.​
7. If you feel your anger escalating, step away from the situation temporarily. This break can provide space to cool down and think more clearly.​ 
8. Physical activity and exercise can help dissipate built-up tension and reduce stress, making it easier to manage anger.​

Click here for an anger toolkit.

What is the difference between anger and violence?

Violence can be physical but it can include things you do or say like threatening someone, or being intimidating. It can also mean making people do things they don’t want to do, or stopping them from doing things that are important to them. Violence can also include controlling access to money, social support or opportunities.

Violence can be part of an anger cycle. Our anger can build up gradually, or it can be there in an instant. We can think of this build up as the escalation phase of the cycle. We can learn to healthily address anger during this part of the cycle – even if it is very high. If we do not address it, our anger may explode into violence and aggression – breaking or hitting things, punching someone (the “explosion” phase).

This is when we can do serious damage. In the next stage of the cycle – the “post-explosion” phase – we may feel ashamed and guilty, and we may suffer the consequences of our violence (legal, financial, and – worst of all – losing friends and loved ones).

Do I have a problem with violence?

The application of violence in a controlled manner is something that sits at the heart of the military. We are trained to be warriors. You may have even served in a combat situation where it was your job to apply aggression to meet an objective or tactical outcome.

However, outside of combat or training an effective warrior does not resort to violence or threatening behaviour, whether it is at home, the pub or on the sports field.  

If you hit something or someone, if you break things deliberately, if you become verbally aggressive and threatening, then you have a problem – no question.

If you’re not sure ask yourself:

• Is my behaviour worrying my close friends and family?
• Do you feel very guilty and need to make amends for your behaviour?
• Are your family, friends or colleagues ever afraid of you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you and those close to you could use some help. If you are interested in taking action, read on to learn techniques that can help you get control of your violent behaviour.

If you want to take control of your violent behaviour, particularly if you are striking out at your family, or are worried you might, it is a good idea to get help now.

What can I do about violence?

Learning to understand and deal with your anger, along with other associated thoughts and feelings, is at the core of controlling violent behaviour. This means taking responsibility for noticing the early warning signs, and being prepared to act well before your breaking point.

You can do this by being more aware of what sets off your anger:

• Watching for signs that your anger is building up: What are your particular signals? Can you identify what happens in your body, what you are thinking, or how you behave as your anger escalates?
• Monitoring your anger level – try rating it on a scale of 0 – 10, where 0 is perfectly calm and 10 is your worst anger level, and keep track as it builds up.
• Trying to express what is upsetting you, calmly and assertively before the anger gets too high.
• Take time out for five minutes - walk away, go to the toilet or go outside.
• Learn to stop your anger from escalating by finding more helpful ways of thinking and learning strategies to keep calm from the Resilience toolkit.
• You can also learn some different ways of solving problems from the Resilience toolkit, so that you are better equipped to deal with problems that frustrate you, or make you angry.

What else can I do to control my violence?

You might find that violence happens more often in certain situations. The following tips might help you manage the risk of becoming violent in situations that are risky for you. If you find that violence happens very impulsively for you (quickly, without thinking or noticing your anger build), then the challenge is to limit the chances of acting impulsively:

• Exercise regularly, eat well, and get plenty of sleep. You’ll be able to think more clearly and make better decisions.
• Consider getting treatment and support for any physical or mental health condition you are experiencing. Having a mental health problem might sap the strength you have to manage your violence, so it’s important to get on top of any problem as soon as possible.
• Cut right back on alcohol and other drugs – they can lower your inhibitions, and alcohol in particular is the number one risk factor for violent behaviour.
• Think about the places you go, and the situations you put yourself in – perhaps you need to limit certain people, venues, places or situations including access to weapons until you are able to control your mood (including feelings like anger and frustration), and your violent behaviour.

Getting help

• If you’re concerned about your violent behaviour, it’s definitely a good idea to get some professional help.
• Social worker - If you want to know more about NZDF policy on family harm and violence you can talk confidentially to a social worker.
• NZDF Safe families. The NZDF supports Safe Families.
  
• Professional help. A doctor or professional therapist is always a good place to start when trying to overcome problems with violence, as he or she can help with a thorough assessment of the problem, and make referrals for specialists if necessary.
• Family Violence It’s Not OK has resources about how to help in the area of family violence.