The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion

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Translator: Rui Jiang Reviewer: Queenie Lee
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I guess you could say that I am a self-compassion evangelist.
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I love spreading the good word about self-compassion.
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I've devoted the last ten years of my research career
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to studying the mental health benefits of self-compassion,
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and more recently I've been working on developing interventions to help people
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learn to be more compassionate to themselves in their lives.
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And the reason I'm so passionate about self-compassion
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is because I have really seen its power in my own life.
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I first learned about self-compassion in 1997,
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when I was finishing up my PhD at UC Berkeley.
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I was going through a really hard time.
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I had just gotten out of a very messy divorce
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with feeling of a lot of shame and self-judgment.
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I was feeling a lot of stress.
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Would I finish my PhD?
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And if I did, would I get a job?
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So, I thought it would be a good time to learn how to practice meditation.
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So I signed up with a local Buddhist meditation group.
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And the very first evening, the very first course,
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the woman leading the group talked about the importance of compassion,
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not only for others, but also for ourselves,
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the importance of including ourselves in the circle of compassion,
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of treating ourselves with the same kindness, care, and concern
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that we treat a good friend.
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And it was like a light bulb went off over my head at that moment.
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I realized - well, first I thought, what?
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You're allowed to be nice yourself, and this is being encouraged?
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But I realized,
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it was exactly what I needed in that difficult moment in my life.
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So really, from that day forward,
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I can say I intentionally tried to be more compassionate to myself,
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and it made a huge difference almost immediately.
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And then, luckily, I did get a job; I did two years of postdoctoral study
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with one of the country's leading self-esteem researchers.
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And while working with her, I started to realize that self-compassion
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offered a lot of benefits that self-esteem didn't.
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Let me start by defining what I mean by self-esteem.
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Self-esteem is a global evaluation of self-worth, a judgment:
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"Am I a good person, or I'm a bad person?"
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And for many years, psychologists really saw self-esteem
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as the ultimate marker of psychological health,
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and there's a reason for that.
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There's lots of research that shows if you have low self-esteem,
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if you hate yourself, you're going to be depressed,
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you're going to be anxious,
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you're going to have all sorts of psychological problems;
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if it gets really bad, you might even consider suicide.
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However, high self-esteem also can be problematic.
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The problem is not if you have it;
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it's how you get it.
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In American culture,
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(Laughter)
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to have high self-esteem,
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we have to feel special and above-average.
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Okay.
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If I told anyone of you, your work performance,
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"Oh, it's average," or "you are an average mother,"
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or if you told me afterward that this talk was average,
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I'd be crashed, right?
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It's not okay to be average.
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It's considered an insult to be average.
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So what's the problem with that?
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If all of us have to be above average at the same time, right?
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Are the words "logical impossibility" springing to mind here, right?
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So what happens if we all have to feel above-average?
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As we started playing these little games,
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we start suddenly finding ways to puff ourselves up and put others down
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so we can feel better about ourselves in comparison.
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And some people actually take this to an extreme.
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You may or may not know,
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but there is an epidemic of narcissism in this culture.
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We've been tracking the narcissism levels of college undergraduates
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for the past 25 years,
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and they are at the highest levels ever recorded,
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and actually a lot of psychologists
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believe this is because of the self-esteem movement in the schools.
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And there are a lot of nasty social dynamics
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that can stem from needing to feel better than others
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to feel good about ourselves.
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We also have an epidemic of bullying in our culture in our schools.
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Why do kids bully?
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Why do kids who are forming their sense of self
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feel they've got to bully others?
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It's partly to build their own sense of self-esteem,
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to feel that they are stronger, more powerful
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than these other kids that they're picking on.
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Or why are people prejudiced?
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Why do we feel that our religious group, or ethnic group, or political party
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is better than the other group?
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Partly, in order to enhance our own self-esteem.
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Another problem with self-esteem is that it's contingent on success.
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We only feel good about ourselves when we succeed in those domains of life
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that are important to us.
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But what happens when we fail?
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What happens when we don't meet our ideal standards?
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We feel lousy,
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we feel terrible about ourselves.
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And for women this is especially hard
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because what do you think research shows, around the world,
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the number-one domain in which women invest their self-esteem?
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(Laughter)
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Right?
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Our perception of how attractive we are.
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And the standards for women are so high.
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How can we feel above average in looks? We're looking at all these supermodels.
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Even the supermodels feel insecure compared to other supermodels, right?
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It's very interesting if you look at this developmentally.
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Around third grade, boys and girls both think they're pretty attractive,
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and they have fairly high levels of self-esteem.
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Then for boys, about the end of sixth grade:
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yeah, looking pretty good, feeling pretty good.
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End of high school: looking good, feeling good about myself.
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But for girls, after third grade ...
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their perception of how attractive they are,
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and therefore their self-esteem, starts to take a nosedive.
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It starts very young.
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So how do we get off this treadmill,
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this constant need to feel better than others
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so that we can feel good about ourselves?
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That's where self-compassion comes in.
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Self-compassion is not a way of judging ourselves positively,
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self-compassion is a way of relating to ourselves kindly,
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embracing ourselves as we are: flaws and all.
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I actually define self-compassion in my research
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as having three core components.
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The first, you might say, is the most obvious,
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and that is treating ourselves with kindness versus harsh self-judgment.
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Treating ourselves like we treat a good friend,
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with encouragement, understanding, empathy, patience, gentleness.
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But if you stop to check in with how we treat ourselves,
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especially on a bad day when things aren't going so well,
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we're often harsher and more cruel to ourselves in the language we use.
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We say things to ourselves
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we would never say to someone we cared about.
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We say things to ourselves
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we probably even wouldn’t say to someone we didn't like very much.
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We are often our own worst enemy.
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With self-compassion, we reverse that pattern
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and start treating ourselves like we treat our good friends.
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The second component of self-compassion
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is common humanity.
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Where self-esteem asks, "How am I different than others?"
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Self-compassion says, "Well, how am I same as others?"
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And one of the ways we are the same as others -
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What does it mean to be human?
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To be human means to be imperfect.
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All of us, everyone on the entire globe,
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we are imperfect as people, and our lives are imperfect.
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That is the shared human experience.
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Often what happens, though, irrationally,
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when we notice something about ourselves -
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we haven't reached our goal, or we're struggling in life -
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we feel as if, "Something has gone wrong here."
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"This is abnormal." "This shouldn't be this way."
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"I shouldn't be failing to reach my goals."
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And it's that feeling of abnormality, of separation from others,
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that is so psychologically damaging.
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We make it so much worse
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by feeling we're isolated in our suffering and our imperfection,
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when in fact, that's precisely what connects us to other people.
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The third component of self-compassion is mindfulness.
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Mindfulness means being with what is in the present moment.
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And we need to be able to turn toward, acknowledge, validate,
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and accept the fact that we are suffering
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in order to give ourselves compassion.
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Actually, oftentimes we aren't aware of our own suffering,
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especially when that suffering comes from our own harsh self-criticism.
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We get so lost in the role of self-critic,
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so identified with the part of ourselves that puts the back up straight, saying,
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"You are wrong, you should have done better."
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But we don't even notice
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the incredible pain we're causing ourselves.
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And if we don't notice
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what we're doing to ourselves with our harsh self-criticism,
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we can't give yourselves the compassion we need.
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You might be asking, "Why do we do it?"
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Self-criticism, we know it's painful. Why do we do it?
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We've actually found in research -
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there are lots of reasons we're self-critical -
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but the number one reason ...
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is that we believe we need our self-criticism to motivate ourselves;
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that if we are too kind to ourselves,
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we'll be self-indulgent and lazy.
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So the question is: Is it true?
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Actually, the research shows just the opposite:
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Self-criticism undermines our motivation,
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and here's why.
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When we criticize ourselves,
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we are tapping into our bodies' threat-defense system:
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the reptilian brain.
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This system evolved
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so that if there was a threat to our physical person,
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we would release adrenaline and cortisol,
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and prepare for the fight-or-flight response.
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The system evolved for threats to our actual bodily self,
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but in modern times, typically, the threat is not to our actual selves
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but to our self-concept.
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When we think a thought about ourselves
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that we don't like, that's some imperfection,
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we feel threatened,
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and so we attack the problem, meaning we attack ourselves.
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And with self-criticism, it's a double whammy
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because we are both the attacker and the attacked.
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So self-criticism releases a lot of cortisol.
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If you are constant self-critic, you have constantly high levels of stress,
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and eventually the body, to protect itself, will shut itself down
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and become "I'm depressed" in order to deal with all the stress.
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And as we know, depression is not exactly the best motivational mindstate.
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Alright?
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Luckily, we aren't just reptiles,
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we're also mammals.
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There's another way we can feel safe,
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and that is by tapping into the mammalian caregiving system.
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What's unique about mammals is they are born very immature,
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which means a system had to be evolved
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in which the infant would want to stay close next to the mother
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and stay safe,
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which means our bodies are programmed to respond to warmth,
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gentle touch, and soft vocalizations.
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So when we give ourselves compassion,
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the research shows we actually reduce our cortisol levels,
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and release oxytocin and opiates,
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which are the feel-good hormones.
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And when we feel safe and comforted,
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we are in the optimal mindstate to do our best.
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And it's actually very easy to see
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when we think about how to best motivate our children.
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Let's say there is a father
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whose son comes home from high school with a failing math grade.
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The father has two different ways to try to motivate his child.
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The first is with harsh criticism.
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The son comes in, shows to father the math grade,
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and the father says,
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"I'm ashamed of you. What a loser. You'll never amount to anything."
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Does that make you cringe?
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Isn't that often precisely the type of language we use with ourselves?
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What's going to happen to that son?
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Will he try harder? Yes, he will for the short term.
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But eventually, he's going to lose faith in himself.
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He's going to become depressed, and he will become afraid of failure
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and probably give up math
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because the consequences of failing again are just too dire.
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But what if the father takes a compassionate approach?
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The son shows him the failing math grade, and the father says,
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"Uhh, ouch, wow. You must be hurting. I'm sorry.
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Hey, give me a hug. I still love you. It happens to everyone.
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But I know you want to get your math grades up
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because you want to go to college."
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Here's what compassion says: "What can I do to help?"
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"How can I support you?"
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And the more encouraging, loving, compassionate the father is,
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the better place, emotionally, the son will be in to do his best.
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And luckily, research strongly supports everything I've been saying.
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The last few years, especially, have seen a sharp uptick
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in the number of research studies conducted on self-compassion.
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And the bottom line is unequivocally:
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Self-compassion is very strongly related to mental well-being.
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It's strongly related to less depression,
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less anxiety, less stress, less perfectionism.
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It's equally strongly related to positive states, like happiness,
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like life satisfaction.
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It's linked to greater motivation, taking greater self-responsibility,
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making healthier lifestyle choices.
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It's also linked to having more sense of connectedness with others,
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better interpersonal relationships.
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We've also done some research
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comparing directly self-esteem and self-compassion.
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And what we find, what you can say
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is that self-compassion offers the benefits of self-esteem
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without the pitfalls.
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So it's associated with strong mental health,
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but it's not associated with narcissism, or constant social comparison,
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or ego-defensive aggression.
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It also provides a much more stable sense of self-worth than self-esteem does
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because it's there for you precisely when you fail.
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Just when self-esteem deserts you,
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self-compassion steps in and gives you a sense of being valuable,
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not because you've reached some standard, or you've judged yourself positively,
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but because you are a human being, worthy of love in that moment.
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And again this is something I really know from my personal life.
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The greatest challenge I have faced in my life, so far,
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was when my son Rowan was diagnosed with autism.
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And luckily when he was diagnosed,
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I had a long practice of self-compassion under my belt.
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So when I first got the diagnosis,
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I felt incredible grief;
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I even felt some shame.
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And it was very hard to feel that, to admit that to myself.
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Because how can I feel grief
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about this child who I love more than anyone else in the world?
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The thing is I was feeling that, and I knew
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that what I needed at that moment was to embrace how difficult it was.
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And the more I could embrace my own grief, the more quickly I moved through it,
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and then the more able I was to turn toward him
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and accept and love him for who he was.
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It also helped me over and over again in the heat of the moment.
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As you may know, one issue with autistic children,
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especially when they're young, is they can throw very terrible tantrums.
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So, imagine being on a plane to England -
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this is a true story, Rowan was four years old -
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I don't know what set him off,
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but he throws a doozy of tantrum.
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Flailing and screaming.
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Everyone on that plane looking at us like they wish we were dead.
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He's four years old; he looks normal.
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People are thinking,
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"What's wrong with this kid? Why is he acting this way?
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What's wrong with this mother, why can't she control her child?"
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Okay, lots of fear. What do I do, what do I do?
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Jumping out the window sadly wasn't an option, so ...
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I know, I'll take him to the bathroom. Try to comfort him there.
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Maybe it'll muffle his screams.
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So I'm kind of taking this four-year-old, flailing child to the bathroom,
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which was, of course ...
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occupied.
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(Laughter)
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Imagine being in that little space outside the bathroom door
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with this tantruming child,
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and I knew, in that moment, the only refuge I had was self-compassion.
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So I put my hands over my heart, and I tried to comfort him,
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but I was mainly focusing on myself.
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"This is so hard right now, darling. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
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But I'm here for you."
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And you know what? It got me through.
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And by allowing myself to be open-hearted toward myself,
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I could remain open-hearted to Rowan.
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People sometimes think self-compassion is self-indulgent or selfish.
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It's not.
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Because the more we were able to keep our hearts open to ourselves,
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the more we have available to give to others.
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So I would like to invite you to try to be more compassionate to yourself.
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Especially as women, you know how to do it.
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You know how to be a good friend.
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You know what to say to comfort someone when they're in need.
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You just have to remember to be a good friend to yourself.
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It's easier than you think, and it really could change your life.
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And that's why I think self-compassion is an idea worth spreading.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)