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Defence Health HubMy son's suicide note
Learn from Jason Reid who faced every parent's worst nightmare, and how he is using this tragedy to help other parents to recognise the signs.
My son's suicide note will change your life today
Learn from Jason Reid who faced every parent's worst nightmare, and how he is using this tragedy to help other parents to recognise the signs.
00:00
Ryan got grumpier as time went on he
00:02
spent more time in his room I didn't
00:05
notice that sign I missed it I thought
00:08
I'd checked in on him I did every day
00:10
how you doing I'm fine okay I guess
00:13
you're fine I didn't realize that fine
00:15
men I'm not fine but how many times do
00:18
we talk to our teams as they I'm fine
00:21
they chose I'm fine for a reason it's
00:24
hard sometimes you know it's hard to
00:25
know what the balance is with my kids
00:27
sometimes I make a smaller deal out of
00:30
things that my wife who makes a big deal
00:32
about right there is there is there like
00:34
a rule of thumb or drove one well I
00:37
can't I can't draw the line for you
00:38
right I can try I wish I could because
00:40
I'm not a psychologist I'm not an extra
00:42
I'm a guy who lost his kid who spent the
00:45
last year and a half trying to feel why
00:46
those of us with teenagers and those of
00:48
us obscene teenagers a lot how do you
00:51
talk to them well I can tell you what
00:53
they want and what they don't want what
00:56
they don't want is you to burst into
00:58
their room when they're watching some
01:00
video on YouTube and say We Need to Talk
01:02
that's the wrong time to doctor that's
01:05
when they say I'm fine but they all have
01:08
that time when they'll talk to you maybe
01:10
it's driving in the car when you think
01:12
it's cool when I walk in the dog I can
01:14
tell you though it's also inconvenient
01:17
because I know all the times that Ryan
01:19
came up to my office because I worked
01:20
from home and said hey Dad can we talk
01:22
and I said you know dude I just want to
01:24
call 30 minutes I'll be right there know
01:26
how maybe you've done that I don't know
01:29
which one of those times in any of those
01:31
times was the time Ryan wanted to come
01:34
up and tell me how he was really feeling
01:36
it was my wife's birthday so we her and
01:38
I headed down to Mexico on on the 20th
01:40
of March we got to Mexico and I'll
01:43
always remember this because then
01:44
neither 21st we were having dinner and
01:46
our phones went off at the exact same
01:48
time is 11:03 and we had text but it was
01:52
Ryan basically saying I love you
01:56
and then he signal
01:58
I freaked out my wife screaming I got on
02:05
the phone I called my mother-in-law he
02:06
was looking after the kids I'm like fine
02:08
Ryan I'm yelling at her and Kim's the
02:12
only Kyle and she's running around the
02:14
house and she finds
02:19
took long life
02:23
I'd never felt more helpless in my
02:28
entire life
02:29
all I wanted to do is be there and save
02:34
him
02:36
and I couldn't what would you tell
02:38
people who would tell you it's not your
02:41
fault that I'm responsible there's
02:45
things that if I had it done differently
02:47
Ryan would still be here I wouldn't be
02:50
standing in front of all you guys saying
02:52
please learn from what I didn't do right
02:55
and I wanted to see if there's like
02:57
something I could find a letter or some
02:59
a notebook or something and I started
03:02
going through drawers and I open it up
03:04
and it's empty
03:06
except for two sticky notes I pulled out
03:10
one said my usernames and passwords and
03:12
the other one said tell my story
03:19
tell what happened from your eyes so
03:22
that parents are looking at their kids
03:23
differently and I traveled around the
03:25
Pacific Northwest in California talking
03:27
to a whole bunch of parents a whole
03:29
bunch of kids and I researched the heck
03:31
out of all the stats are staggering
03:33
so for me I'm going why what is it you
03:36
think that you would change going back
03:39
when I look back at Ryan I showed up
03:42
this way I'm the CEO CEO coach
03:45
Ironman black belt author if there's a
03:50
problem I fix it
03:51
my kids never saw me cry as far as they
03:53
know I never did I failed it 13
03:57
businesses I've almost been bankrupt
04:00
three times my wife and kids never knew
04:03
I protected them from reality
04:09
I thought that's the way I should get
04:11
that and then what did my 14 year old
04:13
son day he looked at me and said that's
04:17
the way a man and a father is supposed
04:20
to be so he showed up that way Ryan was
04:24
the class clown Ryan talked all the time
04:27
Ryan came home from dinner told great
04:29
stories about how things happen about
04:31
his bully and how he verbally trounced
04:34
his bully and thought it was funny as
04:35
heck he never shared the fact he had any
04:37
problems he had lost does he thought did
04:41
that's how he's supposed to show and I
04:43
regret it what would you teach fathers
04:47
to basically help them talk with their
04:50
kids first thing you do is you listen
04:52
you listen to how they feel and make
04:55
sure they know that you care how are you
04:57
doing how are you feeling what's going
04:59
on at school have you ever felt sad you
05:02
ever felt mad never felt anxious and you
05:04
understand that how they feel is how
05:07
they feel
05:08
you can't fix how they and this is what
05:13
we as dads do we fix stuff how many
05:16
times does your wife send you I don't
05:18
want you to fix my problem I just want
05:20
you to listen to me that's hard for dads
05:22
to do because we want to protect your
05:26
kids when we go into overprotection mode
05:29
when we protect them every time they
05:31
fall so they can't feel then what do
05:34
they believe when they become 14 15 16
05:37
17 they believe there's nothing wrong
05:39
that's ever gonna happen we create kids
05:41
that do not have any resilience in their
05:43
lives I want to do a little exercise
05:45
with you close your eyes for a second I
05:47
want you to think back to when you were
05:48
12 13 years of age and I want you to put
05:50
up your hands if you were ever bullied
05:54
put up your hands if you ever felt like
05:56
you weren't happy with your life if you
05:58
ever felt like your weren't as cool as
06:01
the other kids leave your hands up for a
06:03
second and open your eyes
06:07
right now put your hands down put up
06:09
your hands if you ever thought that you
06:11
would go ahead and share those deep dark
06:14
painful moments with your kids
06:20
yeah I didn't lose I was like you but I
06:24
wish someone took the time to talk to me
06:28
and tell me I might need to change
06:31
had I been more vulnerable with my own
06:33
kids to share with them but yeah you
06:36
know what I was but and I was bullied I
06:38
didn't think I had a lot of friends I
06:40
didn't have long I never shared anger
06:44
you could say one thing
06:53
I could say one thing to riot at the
06:55
same spring
06:59
let's say I'm sorry I didn't see it
07:02
sorry failed you as a dad
07:10
I'm a lot more open now with my kids you
07:13
know what I have a lot deeper
07:15
conversations with my kids now than they
07:17
ever have all right so what do we do now
07:18
everything is only gonna change if we
07:21
change the world's only to change that
07:23
we decide as parents that we're going to
07:26
make it change and we're going to make
07:28
it change if we all decide to be that
07:31
person that our kids want to come talk
07:32
to that our kids feel safe with if we
07:35
tell our stories and we start to have
07:38
real emotional connections with our
07:39
children that's when the world starts
07:41
changing you can make a difference with
07:44
your own family I'm making a difference
07:46
with the family I have left I would love
07:49
it if you all told your story I'll tell
07:55
my story
Ryan got grumpier as time went on he
00:02
spent more time in his room I didn't
00:05
notice that sign I missed it I thought
00:08
I'd checked in on him I did every day
00:10
how you doing I'm fine okay I guess
00:13
you're fine I didn't realize that fine
00:15
men I'm not fine but how many times do
00:18
we talk to our teams as they I'm fine
00:21
they chose I'm fine for a reason it's
00:24
hard sometimes you know it's hard to
00:25
know what the balance is with my kids
00:27
sometimes I make a smaller deal out of
00:30
things that my wife who makes a big deal
00:32
about right there is there is there like
00:34
a rule of thumb or drove one well I
00:37
can't I can't draw the line for you
00:38
right I can try I wish I could because
00:40
I'm not a psychologist I'm not an extra
00:42
I'm a guy who lost his kid who spent the
00:45
last year and a half trying to feel why
00:46
those of us with teenagers and those of
00:48
us obscene teenagers a lot how do you
00:51
talk to them well I can tell you what
00:53
they want and what they don't want what
00:56
they don't want is you to burst into
00:58
their room when they're watching some
01:00
video on YouTube and say We Need to Talk
01:02
that's the wrong time to doctor that's
01:05
when they say I'm fine but they all have
01:08
that time when they'll talk to you maybe
01:10
it's driving in the car when you think
01:12
it's cool when I walk in the dog I can
01:14
tell you though it's also inconvenient
01:17
because I know all the times that Ryan
01:19
came up to my office because I worked
01:20
from home and said hey Dad can we talk
01:22
and I said you know dude I just want to
01:24
call 30 minutes I'll be right there know
01:26
how maybe you've done that I don't know
01:29
which one of those times in any of those
01:31
times was the time Ryan wanted to come
01:34
up and tell me how he was really feeling
01:36
it was my wife's birthday so we her and
01:38
I headed down to Mexico on on the 20th
01:40
of March we got to Mexico and I'll
01:43
always remember this because then
01:44
neither 21st we were having dinner and
01:46
our phones went off at the exact same
01:48
time is 11:03 and we had text but it was
01:52
Ryan basically saying I love you
01:56
and then he signal
01:58
I freaked out my wife screaming I got on
02:05
the phone I called my mother-in-law he
02:06
was looking after the kids I'm like fine
02:08
Ryan I'm yelling at her and Kim's the
02:12
only Kyle and she's running around the
02:14
house and she finds
02:19
took long life
02:23
I'd never felt more helpless in my
02:28
entire life
02:29
all I wanted to do is be there and save
02:34
him
02:36
and I couldn't what would you tell
02:38
people who would tell you it's not your
02:41
fault that I'm responsible there's
02:45
things that if I had it done differently
02:47
Ryan would still be here I wouldn't be
02:50
standing in front of all you guys saying
02:52
please learn from what I didn't do right
02:55
and I wanted to see if there's like
02:57
something I could find a letter or some
02:59
a notebook or something and I started
03:02
going through drawers and I open it up
03:04
and it's empty
03:06
except for two sticky notes I pulled out
03:10
one said my usernames and passwords and
03:12
the other one said tell my story
03:19
tell what happened from your eyes so
03:22
that parents are looking at their kids
03:23
differently and I traveled around the
03:25
Pacific Northwest in California talking
03:27
to a whole bunch of parents a whole
03:29
bunch of kids and I researched the heck
03:31
out of all the stats are staggering
03:33
so for me I'm going why what is it you
03:36
think that you would change going back
03:39
when I look back at Ryan I showed up
03:42
this way I'm the CEO CEO coach
03:45
Ironman black belt author if there's a
03:50
problem I fix it
03:51
my kids never saw me cry as far as they
03:53
know I never did I failed it 13
03:57
businesses I've almost been bankrupt
04:00
three times my wife and kids never knew
04:03
I protected them from reality
04:09
I thought that's the way I should get
04:11
that and then what did my 14 year old
04:13
son day he looked at me and said that's
04:17
the way a man and a father is supposed
04:20
to be so he showed up that way Ryan was
04:24
the class clown Ryan talked all the time
04:27
Ryan came home from dinner told great
04:29
stories about how things happen about
04:31
his bully and how he verbally trounced
04:34
his bully and thought it was funny as
04:35
heck he never shared the fact he had any
04:37
problems he had lost does he thought did
04:41
that's how he's supposed to show and I
04:43
regret it what would you teach fathers
04:47
to basically help them talk with their
04:50
kids first thing you do is you listen
04:52
you listen to how they feel and make
04:55
sure they know that you care how are you
04:57
doing how are you feeling what's going
04:59
on at school have you ever felt sad you
05:02
ever felt mad never felt anxious and you
05:04
understand that how they feel is how
05:07
they feel
05:08
you can't fix how they and this is what
05:13
we as dads do we fix stuff how many
05:16
times does your wife send you I don't
05:18
want you to fix my problem I just want
05:20
you to listen to me that's hard for dads
05:22
to do because we want to protect your
05:26
kids when we go into overprotection mode
05:29
when we protect them every time they
05:31
fall so they can't feel then what do
05:34
they believe when they become 14 15 16
05:37
17 they believe there's nothing wrong
05:39
that's ever gonna happen we create kids
05:41
that do not have any resilience in their
05:43
lives I want to do a little exercise
05:45
with you close your eyes for a second I
05:47
want you to think back to when you were
05:48
12 13 years of age and I want you to put
05:50
up your hands if you were ever bullied
05:54
put up your hands if you ever felt like
05:56
you weren't happy with your life if you
05:58
ever felt like your weren't as cool as
06:01
the other kids leave your hands up for a
06:03
second and open your eyes
06:07
right now put your hands down put up
06:09
your hands if you ever thought that you
06:11
would go ahead and share those deep dark
06:14
painful moments with your kids
06:20
yeah I didn't lose I was like you but I
06:24
wish someone took the time to talk to me
06:28
and tell me I might need to change
06:31
had I been more vulnerable with my own
06:33
kids to share with them but yeah you
06:36
know what I was but and I was bullied I
06:38
didn't think I had a lot of friends I
06:40
didn't have long I never shared anger
06:44
you could say one thing
06:53
I could say one thing to riot at the
06:55
same spring
06:59
let's say I'm sorry I didn't see it
07:02
sorry failed you as a dad
07:10
I'm a lot more open now with my kids you
07:13
know what I have a lot deeper
07:15
conversations with my kids now than they
07:17
ever have all right so what do we do now
07:18
everything is only gonna change if we
07:21
change the world's only to change that
07:23
we decide as parents that we're going to
07:26
make it change and we're going to make
07:28
it change if we all decide to be that
07:31
person that our kids want to come talk
07:32
to that our kids feel safe with if we
07:35
tell our stories and we start to have
07:38
real emotional connections with our
07:39
children that's when the world starts
07:41
changing you can make a difference with
07:44
your own family I'm making a difference
07:46
with the family I have left I would love
07:49
it if you all told your story I'll tell
07:55
my story